He who watches over you will not slumber

I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.  He will not let your foot slip-He who watches over you will not slumber…Psalm 121:1-3

      I have seen God’s glory, His mercy, His grace and so many other attributes of Him over the last 11 weeks.  I knew all this to be true about my God; however, I have seen it intensified over the last 11 weeks.  The last 11 weeks has forever transformed our family.   

     We took Anna Lee on a date last Sunday because we felt she needed some time with us just by herself.  And she did, but she also said something that day that pierced my heart.  Through casual conversation in the middle of rock climbing, we mentioned something to the effect of having a great family day…She said, without missing a beat, “How can you call it a family day when only three of us are here.”  Yes my little sarcastic sweetheart…only three of us our here…but that showed me she knew our family was now a family a four, and she was okay!  We were complete…we finally had all members of our family home, together.  It has not been easy but it has been filled with His mercies.  We have never laughed so much as we have over the past 11 weeks.  

      I can remember early in our journey getting asked these questions:  Why international, why not domestic?  Why Haiti? Why not have more children of your own?  People are bold!  I can remember one sweet older lady asking me about the country we were to adopt from early on in this process.  As I explained Haiti and why we felt lead she stopped me and said, “Now, you know this child will be black, right?”  Part of me wanted to raise my eyebrows, open my eyes wide and say, “OH NO!  Are you serious?  They did not tell me that!”  But I refrained, and I explained to her that God loves us ALL, no matter what outside appearance looks like.  Scripture says man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart!  I also refrained from telling her that Jesus wasn’t white either…but as we talked her heart softened and at the end of the conversation she wrote me a pretty substantial check to cover some of our adoption expenses.  That my friend’s is how God works!   

       Looking back over the last 11 weeks, I see His plan.  I see how Lily, from Haiti, was meant just for us.  I see the pain, the tears and the joy of the process unfolding.  I see her spirit challenges us to face things we never thought were possible.  I see how she was the missing link to our family.  There were times we were ready to give up, throw in the towel and walk away because this was uncomfortable.  It hurt and at times it just plain sucked!  However those were the times friends and family stepped in and carried the burden for us.  In one of my favorite books The Circle Maker, author Mark Batterson explains the power of prayer.  He challenges his readers to not just Pray Hard but to Pray Through.  Not to just Pray Away the circumstance but to Pray Through it.  He goes on to say, “Sometimes the purpose of prayer is to get us out of circumstances, but more often than not, the purpose of prayer is to get us through them.  I’m certainly not suggesting we shouldn’t pray deliverance prayers, but there are times we need to pray prevailing prayers.  We need to ask God to give us the grace to sustain, the strength to stand firm, and the willpower to keep on keeping on.”  He then adds, “We’re often so anxious to get out of difficult, painful, or challenging situations that we fail to grow through them.  We’re so fixated on getting out of them that we don’t get anything out of them.  We fail to learn the lessons God is try to teach us or cultivate the character God is trying to grow in us.  We’re so focused on God changing our circumstances that we never allow God to change us!”  You see, I have been praying for the lord to grow my trust in Him.  I love His scripture, I love my time in prayer with Him, but if I am really honest with myself, I don’t really trust Him.  I don’t trust Him with my children, my most prized possession.  You would think I would have learned my lesson by now.  Most people think Lily is home fully adopted…she is not.  She is here on a medical visa that runs out in ten months.  I don’t know what will happen in ten months.  The past 11 weeks have been amazing, but in the back of my mind I have had sleepless nights at the thought of having to take her back.  I have really struggled with this.  On Sunday my Pastor said a profound quick statement in small group that struck me.  He asked what it meant to live boldly for Jesus.  There were lots of answers…lots of correct good answers.  But for me in my heart at that moment living boldly for Jesus meant to do what my Pastor had previously stated.  When we become a child of the King we transfer our trust from ourselves to Him.  This was my struggle.  This trust issue has held me back from living boldly for Christ.  I give Him my trust only to take it back time and time again.  God pierced my heart in that one moment.  We went on to Big Church and he preached a new serious on Job.  Praising God regardless…regardless.  It was a powerful morning.  My soul had been set free.  I don’t know what will happen in ten months, but I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, The God of angel armies is always by my side, The One who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine, The God of angel armies is always by my side.  Psalm 27 has been a solid life saving scripture for me.  I stand on the promises of the ONE who holds our future.  Who holds Lily’s future.  For now, we are a family of four.  She is my daughter and I am her mother. 

       They often say the lord doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.  That is never truer in my life than it is right now.  When you are potty training a child that cannot stand, and you only have two arms to toilet paper the public restroom toilet, make sure she doesn’t touch it, get all clothing removed and everything that follows, I have realized the lord has given me extra arms, extra strength.  I often forget she has a handicap because she is so strong, so determined.  She has taught us to love life, embrace life and not to complain about the things we cannot change.  Not once have I seen self-pity in her.  The other day she came down the hall pushing a baby stroller twice her size with a baby in it.  She would push it with one hand, stop scoot, and push it again.  She made it all the way to the living room.  A little out of breath but she made her goal!  How often I would have given up.  My heart broke for her in that moment because in that moment I realized life might be tougher for her.  And I almost questioned God on why she couldn’t walk.  This morning I was reminded of the story in John 9 about the blind mind Jesus healed and I realized…she was made this way for His Glory.  She has a calling on her life.  It’s evident.  God has woven her story in ways man couldn’t.  God gave her freedom, gave her hope, gave her a future.  Her condition is for His glory.  She may never be healed this side of Heaven but something tells me she doesn’t really care, because something inside her is going to point others to Him in ways I can’t do on my two good legs.  She is a joy and a blessing.  Family, friends, thank you for intercessory prayer…thank you for appealing to God on Lily’s behalf for so many years.  My life is richer because of prayer and because of HIS will, HIS plans.  I still don’t have answers to all those questions everyone asked, except this…His will for our family was Lily.  Haiti just happened to be where she lived.  Little did we know we would fall in love with Haiti, with friends there, with the kids left behind.  His plan is still being revealed and today, today I transfer my trust to Him.  Today, my children are His.  Today, I trust in His continuing plans, His future for us.

Keep praying…her story still has a lot left to be determined….          

I am still confident of this...

I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:13-14

Today, I am thankful for the “wait”.  The wait is what molded us, changed us and prepared us for just a time as this.  Lily has been home 7 weeks today.  7 weeks ago I woke up for the first time with both children under my roof.  In the same house, often times in the same bed.  There were so many mornings as soon as my eyes opened, my thoughts were for my children and their comfort and safety.  For so long I could provide that for only one of them.  I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of waking up each morning stopping by Lily’s room and seeing her asleep in her own bed.  It often overwhelms me.  I got my prayer journals out a few days ago, I went back three years to see my journal entries on July 2^nd 2012, 2013 and 2014 and I sat amazed at how the lord answered my prayers on those days with July 2^nd, 2015, the day she came home.  I was reading back over some old blog entries and the same thing hit me…I can’t believe how perfectly God fit together Lily’s story and molded it with ours.  How He answered every prayer.  Sometimes it wasn’t how I thought, and often times it came through pain, but it formed us into being exactly who Lily needs right now.  From the old friends who continue to stand by us to the new friends we have met, to the doctors and nurses he has specifically put into place for this little girl shows me just how much He loves His children, and if we will just let Him take control of our lives His plan really is much better.

I have fallen in love with a child I didn’t birth, a child who has a different heritage, a different back ground, who is a different color, but who is so perfectly made for me and for our family.  It’s often crazy how much she is like the rest of us, but has her own special unique qualities too.  She loves to love and loves being loved.  She loves new things and embraces life.  She gives kisses all the time and uses it strongly when she knows she is in trouble!  She gives the best Haitian faces and points at us like every other Haitian does when we visit Haiti.  She loves to pray to Jesus and she is extremely smart.  My dad affectionately calls her the Haitian hurricane and that name fits her!  She doesn’t let her disability slow her down and she remains strong and determined.  We often laugh at the description we were first given of her…she is emotionally flat.  We thought that for a while until our second trip to Haiti.  Over five trips we knew she had a personality, she just kept it locked inside.  Spend five minutes with her and you too will experience the Haitian Hurricane and you too will fall in love.  I was visiting a sweet friend who just returned from Mexico the other night and her family reminded me how much they felt like they already knew Lily, because they had been so much a part of her story.  They do know her and they are part of her story.  So many people are a part of her story.  So many people walked with us, cried with us, fought with us to get her home.  She isn’t fully adopted yet so her name remains the same as it is/was in Haiti.  I thought that would bother me but it doesn’t.  It’s who she is.  She isn’t just a Dobson. I have learned that she is a Ray, a Crowe, a Newman, a Pearson, a Stewart, a Crane, a Pfaff, an Ortega-Higgs, a Williams, a Valley Creek kid, she is everyone’s child who fought with us to get her home!  Everyone has a piece of her story.  Everyone who bought from us over a three year span of endless craft shows brought her home.  Everyone who lifted her up to our Father brought her home.  It wasn’t just a Dobson journey it was a huge family of God’s children who brought her home.  And to you I am ever grateful.  Because my life has been forever altered in ways I can’t even fathom yet. 

I still have plans to write about the last two trips that it took to bring her home, because the Lord seriously moved some large mountains to make this happen.  When we landed the last time to bring her home, we were told she wasn’t leaving.  I had some pretty incredible friends who prayed prayers that our Father heard, and a pretty incredible family that opened their home in Haiti and fought along side us to get her home in less than 48 hours.  God moved some serious mountains.  But for now I want you to know the very first story that locked our family together with Lily.  Once again it was led by Anna Lee.

I was shuffling through photos of kids from Haiti available for adoption early on in our journey.  I was shuffling through all 5 of them.  That was all that was available at the time.  Most were pretty heavy special needs.  When you start the adoption process one of the first few things you are handed is a sheet of paper with every issue, disease, disability known to man with a box beside it.  You are supposed to mark what you are not willing to accept, or mark what you are willing to accept, I can’t remember which but the point is to tell them what kind of kiddo you are willing to accept into your family.  I remember feeling like the worst human ever because I knew if I birthed a child it wouldn’t matter but here I have an option to choose.  We had already voiced we could not handle a child in a wheel chair.  Our lives were too busy, too crazy, to full of responsibilities to take this type of disability on.  My Father had other plans.  He slowed us down, He removed most of my “responsibilities” I thought I had and He opened our eyes to what really mattered.  The child He had already chosen for our family.  Back to the scrolling photos….There was a baby about 4 months old who caught my attention, but so did the description next to her.  Doctors say she will never walk.  I casually leaned over my shoulder asked Anna Lee, who was 6 at the time, “What if your sister was in a wheel chair?”  Her response, “Well, we get her a purple wheelchair, and we buy toys for the floor, like puzzles and blocks.  And I can take her outside and wheel her around and then bring her in and we just play in the floor.”  She went on to explain how this would all work and had answers for everything.  As she was talking some scripture came to mind, “I tell you the truth, unless you change and humble yourself like a child, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3 and then it goes on to say in verse 5, “And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes Me.”  That verse wrecked me.  That response wrecked me.  I realized in that moment my six year old was willing to take risks that I wasn’t even willing to take.  That was in Jan…she asked Jesus into her heart the following March.  She was willing to take risks because she knew it was right and I had been walking with the Lord far longer than her and wasn’t willing to step out.  I began praying for this little girl named Lily.  That the Lord would find her a family and provide for her needs.  I prayed for her parents and her orphanage.  It took three weeks for the Lord to reveal to me I was her family and she was my child.  Standing in a youth worship service the lord spoke, “She is your child and she will come home.”  He told me that two more times over the next month because I just wasn’t sure I heard right…I just wasn’t sure this was what He was asking us to do…in reality looking back I was just scared.  I clung to what He told me many times; many times on the verge of giving up I remembered those words.  It took Brad a lot longer.  We talked, we prayed, we hashed out sceneries, we tried to make sense of it.  We couldn’t, because it just didn’t.  I finally told him one day, “you are the head of this family, you will be the one that stands before the Lord and answers for the decisions we made as this family.”  He prayed some more.  One Monday morning before he left for work he stood in the living room of our old house, in front of the T.V. looked me in the eyes and said, “She is our daughter, let’s go get her.” 

If it wasn’t for the faith of a child, our path might have looked a little different.  There have been so many cross roads in this journey.  Anna Lee has been such a strong part of this journey.  She is so little, yet so big.  There was one moment after trip 3 (I think-they all run together) we came home, and I was exhausted.  I was done.  I was ready to quit and throw in the towel.  It was too hard, too dirty, and too messy.  I’ll never forget Anna Lee hopping up on our kitchen table after gym, with her nasty chalky rear-end on my table and telling me, “mom we fought this battle as a family.  We have all grown, I have grown closer to the Lord, and we are not giving up now.  We will keep going, keep fighting as a family.” Yes wise little 8 year old.  And we did, we kept fighting.

The most gratifying part of this journey has been watching Brad and Anna Lee bond with Lily.  She immediately took to me.  Every trip she was glued to me.  She lies on my chest and examines my faces and smiles and kisses and talks.  It wasn’t hard with me and her.  It was almost instant love.  But watching the love between the other three has been pretty incredible.  Watching two totally different children fall in love with each other and love like sisters yet fight like sisters has been pretty cool.  Watching Brad bathe her, and take care of her the only way nannies have done for the past three years and watching her guard come down has been incredible.  Watching her laugh at him when he does daddy things like “pull my finger” and takes her out for stroller rides in the afternoons and eating pop cycles on the couch like dad’s do, has been pretty incredible.  It’s a daily walk of discovering new things with each other, and discovering each other.  I have enjoyed watching her with our friends and family.  Our friends who have jumped on our crazy train and even traveled with us to Haiti have fallen in love with her and her with them.  Her grandparents have fallen in love with her, and she with them.  She has a unique relationship with each of them.  Our journey hasn’t been normal from the start and neither has her homecoming.  But it has been unique to us and it was the plan God picked and for that I sit in awe of Him each day. 

There are hard days and there are unknowns, but one thing I have learned is this. “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  I will wait for the Lord, I will be strong and I will take heart and I will wait for the Lord.”

And we don’t care if she ever really walks. And we don’t care if she ever really becomes a Dobson…she already is on our hearts, as long as she becomes a child of the King nothing else really matters.       

   

For this child I have prayed...

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.  So now I give him to the Lord.  For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.”  And he worshiped the Lord there.  1 Samuel 1:27-

The prayer of a parent is powerful!  The scripture above was Hannah explaining to Eli why she was leaving Samuel, as young as he was, with him, in the temple.  She had prayed for this child for so long, only to give him back to the Lord.  I hope to be that kind of parent.  I hope to learn to pray as Hannah did. 

Prayer is the reason Lily is home.  I don’t remember how many times I laid on the floor of Lily’s room crying out to God for her.  I often found Anna Lee in there too, kneeling at the foot of her bed, in prayer.  We all prayed for so long for her.  And when our strength wore thin, when we were ready to give up, we had many people stand in the gap and lift prayers to heaven for us, for her.  There were a few friends I had to confess to…they would send me a text or phone call to let me know Lily was strong on their hearts that day and they were calling out to the lord in prayer for her.  I had to selfishly admit I was grateful, because often times, it hurt too much for me to even say her name.  Prayer is powerful.  Revelation 5:8 talks of our prayers being held in golden bowls which are full of incense, they are sweet-smelling, to our Lord.  My Pastor called a week or so ago to just check on us.  He asked me how I was doing…how I was really doing.  I explained this transition has been rather easy.  That the 4 years leading up to her homecoming has been much harder than the actual transition, and he reminded me of Revelation 5:8 and that many prayers were released to heaven for Lily and many prayers are sitting in golden bowls and those prayers aren’t finished.  They are for forever, and they are still being unleashed.  God is still hearing all of your prayers for us and He is still answering them day after day.

We have had some adjustment, but for the most part the addition of Lily to our family has been one full of joy.  Each day she wakes up, her face is graced with the most incredible big smile and each night she goes to bed that smile is still there.  I am often overwhelmed by how tight she hugs me.  The other night I went to tuck her in bed.  She starts the night off in a hot pink satin sleep cap and she is the most adorable at night.  I reached down to hug her tight and I whispered good night and began to pray for her just as I do most nights with Anna Lee.  (Notice I said “most”, some days life gets the better of me and I drop the ball)  I began to pray to Jesus which is pronounced J-Z in Creole.  We pronounce it this way so she knows WHO we are praying to.  When I said amen I kissed her goodnight.  I thought that was going to be the end of the bedtime routine that night until she pulled me close for one more hug.  Then she began whispering in my ear.  I had no idea what she was saying so I just figured I would let her talk it out.  Then a word came I understood…AMEN!  I have no idea what those little words whispered meant, but there is a golden bowl in Heaven holding it until I do.  It’s in these moments I get overwhelmed by how much God truly loves us, and how much His plans are far better than mine.  I still can’t believe He has given these two children to me.  I still stand in awe in all He has done.  One day I hope to write about the last two trips and what it took to bring her home and the incredible people that stepped in to help make this happen.  God really worked a miracle, but for now this is all I got!

As much as Anna Lee has prayed and been excited for her sister, Lily’s transition has been the hardest on her.  I am thankful she has been to Haiti with us multiple times, because it has given her insight to her sister’s life there.  She has been given an incredible heart, and the Lord knew she would need that to help her along in this transition.  I am so thankful His plans for her life are far better than mine, and His will trumps what I want for her.  I would have left her at home if it was up to me!  She has had 8 ½ years with her mom and dad…all to herself.  Our world revolved around her.  She has had undivided attention for quite some time, so to share mom and dad has been the hardest thing.  But, she has handled it well.  I have prayed for so long the Lord would mold my girls hearts together as one.  I have prayed He would give them such a strong bond it would be unbreakable.  I have prayed they would serve Him together side by side.  I have prayed they would laugh and enjoy one another.  I could add to this list all day long.  Each day I see prayers answered.  Each day my Father shines His grace and mercy on these two.  I don’t know how to girls who for all intense purposes, are so different, yet could be so much the same.  They both love hard. They are both strong-willed and determined.  They both know exactly what they want.  They both have sweet spirits and they laugh with intensity.  They enjoy the same things and they love having a family.  They love their family, and they love to be surrounded by family.  One loves the Lord and one is learning…it’s been pretty incredible to watch.  Last night was the first night they asked to sleep together.  Lily has been home exactly four weeks at 2 am this morning.  This morning I found them snuggled up head to head.  This morning prayers are answered.  This morning my two children are sleeping in the same bed, joined together.  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.  Lamentations 3:25

I encourage you to pray for your children…Pray boldly for your children.  Pray big prayers for your children.  The lord’s plans for them are far better than any plan we could come up with…and far more rewarding. 

Shameless plug…Mark Batterson has some pretty incredible books on praying.  One being, Praying Circles Around Your Children.   It was a spin-off of The Circle Maker which is another incredible book!

For God So Loved....

For God SO LOVED the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.   John 3:16

I have so many stories to tell.  So many instances of God’s grace and mercy have happened to us during this journey and especially the last few weeks.  But for now, for today, one feeling has been etched in my mind, in my heart and in my soul. I boarded the plane yesterday in Haiti for the fifth time, this time I boarded with my daughter, in my arms.  It was finally today that I realized this has happened…it isn’t a dream, it isn’t make believe.  It is the visions that have been in my mind for quite some time finally coming true. 

Yesterday I sat on a plane…and my daughter, Lily, slept in my arms.  I thought back to the very first time I left Haiti without her.  I opened my journal, and I wrote every single thing I could remember about her.  I didn’t want to forget one memory…Here is what I wrote…

“I know what it feels like to hold my daughter whom I have prayed for so many times.  She holds on tight.  She smiles even though it is tough to pull it out of her.  She has personality even though it is hidden deep inside.  She sucks her hand to sleep.  She hides her right eye with her right hand when she is unsure of what is going on.  She has some feistiness inside her.  She knows what she wants but actions are buried deep inside sometimes.  Her eyes are big and brown.  Her eyelashes curl so much they overlap.  Her eyebrows are bushy.  Her hair smells distinct and sweet.  Her toes are tiny with little knots on them.  She is tiny herself.  She isn’t big at all.  Her right leg is more severe than her left.  She knows what is comfortable and what isn’t.  Her legs have scars.  She sits up just fine and she crawls really well.  She reached for me the first time we saw each other, and by the time we left she was quite comfortable.  We prayed with her before we left and that was the hardest thing we have ever had to do.”

As I held this baby in my arms, all those memories of what I wrote down came flooding back.  I still see every memory alive in her today.  And as I looked at her eye lashes, I flashed back to that first plane ride without her.  She wasn’t there with me, but Jesus was.  Yesterday, Tears flooded my eyes and I held them back as best I could, just as I did that first trip.  But the tears fell yesterday, and not because I was finally bringing this child whom I have loved for what feels like forever home, but because I finally realized what God's love for me really felt like. I love this child so deeply who isn't my blood, who did not grow in my belly, who is not the same color as me and who I have spent less than four weeks with.  It was in this moment that I realized how much my Father in Heaven loves me.  It was in this moment that I realized what adoption into His family really feels like.  It was the first time I felt Him looking at me, the way I was looking at her…and it was overwhelming.  For God SO LOVED me that He gave me Jesus.  That He made a way for me.  That He continually fought for me and did not give up on me when it seemed hopeless.  It was the first time I saw and felt with clear eyes the magnitude of His love for me, and in that moment I could not have felt more like a child cradled in her Father’s arms than Lily did in mine.  I am forever grateful to Him for how Lily’s story has continued.  I am forever grateful to Him for continuing to make a way.  I am forever grateful to Him for bringing her home, because He brought her home. I am most grateful for His continued love to take me deeper and show me more of who He is.  I have some really cool stories about the last two weeks, but the ultimate story is about a Savior who saved my life and continues to carry me through each day with new levels of trust in Him.  Today, I am thankful for His plans, His timing, His mercy and His Grace.  Today I am thankful I am adopted into His family, because His family is eternal, it’s ever lasting, it’s freedom and it’s mine.  Is it yours?