The
Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He
makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, He
restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no
evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence
of my enemies. You anoint my head with
oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness
and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house
of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:1-6
My cup
overflows…For two days I have stood in a craft booth with a size 6x9. For two days I have been boxed in that little
space surrounded by crafts my family have worked tirelessly on to bring this
precious baby we have fallen madly in love with home. I have seen healing taking place in my family
in so many forms. My parents who were
married for 28 years decided to get a divorce 12 years ago. Both have since remarried. Divorce is ugly, it’s nasty and it makes kids
have two Christmas’s, two Thanksgiving’s two everything because once a divorce
takes place, your life as a child becomes split in two as well. I stood in that 6x9 space and was surrounded
by signs that were painted and nailed and assembled, by all my parents…all four
of them…most of the time side by side. A
month ago my husband and I sat at our kitchen table and addressed 100+
fundraising envelopes as my mom sat next to my step mom, and my dad sat across
from my step dad as we laughed and stamped and addressed these letters. As I looked around my table I realized
adoption has given my family back to me.
God has used adoption to bring healing where there didn’t seem to be a
way. This little girl who doesn’t even
know our family is the bridge that God has given to us to allow His
unconditional love for one another to seep back into our family.
These last few months have been tough
for me. I underestimated what it would
feel like to hold this precious baby, to smell her hair, to kiss her cheek, to
rub her toes, and then to get on a plane and come home. I underestimated how
much it would hurt to leave her, but I also underestimated how much it would
hurt to leave them all, to leave a culture I would fall in love with, to leave
a country that had nothing, yet everything. For the past
few months I have cried until there were no tears left. I couldn’t even walk into her room. I couldn’t open her door. I was in such a place that Brad didn’t even
know what to do with me except love me through it and hold me when I needed it
most. Anna Lee followed me around with
her Bible and her prayer journal and as much as that kid drives me nuts
sometimes, it warmed my heart to know that she knew what to do when hard times
hit! One morning I was praying, and
begging and pleading and crying…I felt the Lord speaking to me. I knew what He was telling me and had been
telling me for a while, but I had no intentions of listening or doing. I had already guarded my heart to the fact
that this little girl may never come home to us and this long journey may never
come to the ending I hope. I was already
preparing my heart for this, and I felt the Lord telling me, “Fill her
closet.” You see her room is done. It’s been ready for months. However, I left her closet bare because I
can’t fill it up and then something happen in this process and me have to take
all those clothes out. I can’t do
it. I am not strong enough. I told the Lord this. I explained all this to Him in detail, many
times. Then He reminded me of the
Israelites. He reminded me of their
journey across the desert and into the Promised Land. He reminded me that before they crossed into
the Promised Land they had to step into the Jordan River. They had to cross a river that was at its
flood stage. They had to trust once
again that the Lord would provide and take care of them before they could enter
into what He had planned for them. They
had to take a step of faith first and show they trusted Him. This closet was my Jordan River. This closet was me putting my faith and trust
in a Father that knows far better than I do.
So on the same morning that we addressed envelopes, I climbed the stairs
to our attic…dug through all the size 2T and 3T clothes I could find, brought
them all down and started washing. And
as I threw them in the washer and mashed the button to start I thought about
all the nannies at the orphanage who had washed my baby’s clothes by hand in
buckets over the last two years. When my
parents all got finished addressing envelopes for the evening, we sat around in
the living room and we had prayer, prayer that the Lord would use us, prayer
that He would keep our baby safe. After
we all prayed I shared with my family where we had been emotionally over the
last few months. I wasn’t strong enough
to fill her closet with all those clothes that night, but my mom, my step-mom
and one of my closest friends did. They
hung every last piece of clothing while Anna Lee filled the drawers. God brought healing in more ways than one
that night. I still have a part of me
that winces at the thought that she will never come home, and the Lord is still
working on that trust issue with me…it is a daily process to give that to
Him. I realize she might be six when she
comes home. If she is we will just swap
the clothes out. And if she never comes
home, I have another good friend willing to take all the clothes out, box them
back up and hold me till I get myself together! And if she never comes home we
will still love the Lord more tomorrow than we do today.
One memory I will always have, is that of all
my parents sitting around that table laughing.
Then that of my mom and step mom working side by side hanging clothes
for a child we all desperately want and need. We all crossed a few Jordan’s that night.
Just about all my signs sold out at the
craft show…and each one holds significant meaning to me so much that I almost
wanted to keep them all and hang them around my home. But then I wouldn’t have anything to sell to
all the wonderful people who allowed my cup to runneth over this weekend. I saw the Heart of God in His people. I had so many touch my life at a time I so
desperately needed it. One special
person, shared her stories of inspiration with me, shopped from me, we prayed
together in that 6x9 booth and then she returned hours later with a donation
that I know was a sacrifice straight from her heart. Then she returned the next day with a
devotional and a bookmark that she bought just for me. This complete stranger encouraged me in ways
she will never know this side of Heaven.
As I worshipped in church this morning, I thought of her worshipping in
her church at the same time, and I pictured our Heavenly Father sitting on His
throne watching His children worship in different places but both being full of
His love and worshipping with a renewed spirit, because He allowed our paths to
cross. God is so cool! I was encouraged by old friends who came by
to see me and poured generosity onto us.
I was encouraged by the “mover and the shaker” two booths over who
adopted a baby from Korea 30+ years ago and encouraged me and lifted me
up. I could go on and on about the
people God allowed us to meet and encounter in that 6x9 booth over the last two
days. My cup runneth over.
I get asked many times when our little
girl is coming home. I have no
idea. God knows and that is good enough
for me. Until then I will trust, I will
be obedient, and I will be patient. And
I will keep putting my feet in the Jordan because that is where God is. That is where I want to be. There is a family in Haiti at the orphanage
right now, and they are blogging about their journey. I see the kids, I see the orphanage, I see
the mountains and if I close my eyes I can almost feel the powerful hot wind
that blows there. There is a way of life
that was stamped on my heart with that trip.
I have never seen such a population so helpless, but a people so full of
life. I want their life!
