He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Revelation 21:5 It has been hard lately. Just hard. I have a hard time with hard. We have been through so much hard that hard should be easy at this point. We should be used to all the things that come with saying yes to adoption. Because if you have followed any part of our story you would know we should be rockstars at hard by this point. So when things aren't quite easy guilt creeps in with feelings of inadequacy, doubt, guilt, dread, depression, etc...all the things. It's hard not being able to walk. It's hard not doing "normal" things. It's hard feeling like everyday you have to fight and advocate for a normal life. And thats the easy part of hard if that makes sense. Pile on multi racial family dynamics. I am not black. I will never be black. I will never understand what that means for Lily. I will never fully understand the fight she will have because the color of her skin. And sometimes she struggles with the fact I am not black. I am trying to educate and learn all the things she needs me to, and that adds to the emotional pull of making sure she grows up as healthy as possible. She has hidden pain that only we see. We regress and it often feels we take two steps forward to take 20 backwards. That is where we have been hanging out lately. It has been emotionally draining for all of us. I am going to pause on that note and share about Anna Lee (affectionately called Bird). She was 5 when we started this process. For 7 years she lived in two worlds with us. Trips back and forth to Haiti. She held her sister for the first time when she was six. I knew what it felt like to have to say goodbye in Haiti and leave Lily behind. But watching Anna Lee have to go through those goodbyes wrecked my heart. I remember the first goodbye for her was gut wrenching. She loved Haiti. She loved those kids. And her attachment to Lily was immediate. The last day you try and prepare yourself for what you know is coming. I can't imagine how a 6 year old processes that, but she did. I remeber her handing Lily over to the nanies, and crumbling. We made it back to the guest house, and she had all the questions. Why why why. I had no answers other than this was our journey, her journey, Lily's journey, and God had a plan and purpose and we just had to trust. She cried most of the evening. We took the normal cold shower. She cried. I held her. 6. She was 6. And she grew up that day even more. She was a driving force the rest of the process. When it got harder, she pressed in. When we wanted to give up, she stood firm. When we were tired, her energy kept us going. She has been the most single constant person in Lily's life. She has always filled in the gaps for us for her. She has always been the strongest ball of fire and fight for her sister. She is driving now, and watching her load and unload her sister's wheelchair does something to my heart that I just can't put words. She has grown up fighting for her, and carrying the weight of our decisions behind closed doors. When the hard gets harder, Bird feels that too. No one ever talks about the weight the siblings of adoption carry, and then add to that, a sibling of a special needs kid. That's a heavy place to be sometimes. Yet she does it. And carries it. And I am not sure what all God will do with her life because of it, but I can tell you one thing...she will be a force to be reckoned with, and she is the strongest kid I know. She is my rock, and I will forever be grateful for her. So getting back to the hard...As Lily gets older I am trying to respect not giving all the details of her little life of what all the struggles are. So just know I have not been okay for the better part two months. She hasn't either. We are both stubborn, incredibly stubborn. We are both full of fire and grit, we are both head strong and determined. And for the past few months we have been battling all things adoption related. I am continually reminded God picked her just for us and vice versa. I firmly believe that. But it doesn't make it any easier. He is using us both to refine and change us from the inside out. Somedays I am okay with that, others I am not, because IT IS HARD. So for the last few months I have been pleading with the Lord for relief. For just some peace among the crazy. For some comfort among the discomfort. It's been a minute since I have heard his voice. I have felt like the children of Israel wondering around in circles in the desert for a min. And finally after a good bid of stomping my feet and pleeding and feeling like I finally surrendered some things, I heard Him gently say, "Just sit with me." And I was confused. Because I sit with Him daily. I have a stack of prayer journals to show for it. I read all the books, do all the quiet time, do all the things. So my only response at this point was, "Lord, you gonna have to show me what you mean and how you want me to do this." This is where my heart started to soften. I have learned lately God is showing up in the most unexpected places for me. We had an adaptive pumpkin patch at our home this past October. I felt like Jesus sat down on our property that day and touched every single person that walked through our patch. I still don't have words to process the emotions of that day. A place full of pumpkins was surrounded by the Love of Jesus and nothing else. We had a field trip for special needs kids the day before. I watched people who love Lily and love us give up their Friday and experience the Love of Jesus and serving like never before. It was so pure. It's so hard to go do normal life again after you have experienced love like that and yet that should be the driving factor for our faith. I have seen God move in our business. I have seen Him move in extreemly hard situations with extended friends. We have had church multiple times over hard situations. I have seen God restore relationships that were broken in my own family that needed repair. I have a dear friend at Lakeshore that I love so much. I have had more church with her in the bleechers sometimes than I have had in actual church. She sent me a text about 2 weeks ago asking if I was okay. I forgot to repsond because I don't have my life together. When I finally saw her I told her no, I am not okay. This is hard for me, becuase I normally feel like I have to have it together to be okay for everyone else. I am working on that. But as I shared with her what has been going on, and what all I felt the Lord was telling me she looked at me with her big smile and a joy from Jesus that I love so much, and she said, "Jennifer, He literally wants you to sit with Him." Let Him love you. Let Him minister to you. He doesn't need your checklist and all your things, He just needs you, to sit. I knew this but I needed her to tell me. I am learning how to let God just love me. He does, so very very much. There is still so much more to Him that I haven't even discovered. There is so much I still need to let go of and live. To just sit with Him in the moment. Being grateful and thankful for all He has brought us through. All the hard, and the hard that is yet to come. He gave me Revelation 21:5...He is making all things new. My word for 2023 is New. And it is super cliche. I try and stay away from fads and cliche things because that's just my stubboness. If everyone is doing something, I am doing the complete opposite. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's me. So I almost pushed back on this with Him. But then isn't this the very existence of what our faith defines. That He is the potter and we are the clay. That He remolds and remakes us daily. That we should be transformed in His image, one that I am learning new things about every single day. So I am leaning into this. I am leaning into what newness will come for me and #nolimitlily this year. For Bird and her future, for Brad and his influence in all the things he is apart of. He doesn't get enough credit for putting up with three very strong willed females. He is the strong tower behind us all. I am opening myself up to all the new God wants to bring our way. Because I have learned even the new hard produces new growth. So we are not okay over here, but we are being made new. And we are learning, and still growing, and when these kids leave my house they will be ready! And we will be okay! "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it spings forth, do you not percieve it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19 I am here for it!

May the God of Hope fill you!

May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 Lily has been home 2,730 days. Ask anyone in adoption, and if they are honest, they will tell you it is the most beautiful thing…but also the most brutal. For the past 2,730 days we have learned and grown, did some right things, and did some wrong things. Some days have been beautiful and some have been brutal. Today Lily turns 10. Double digits. And over the past year I have seen so much growth and beauty in her. But it came through the brutal. A few years ago, we were at a craft show. A young woman stopped by and chatted with Lily. I think I met her in a quick passing, but apparently, she and Lily had a pretty colorful conversation. If you know Lily, this isn’t hard to do. A few days later I received a Word from Jesus over Lily’s life from her. The past few months I can not quit thinking about her words. Because I see them coming true in front of my eyes. But first I need to set the scene of how and when these beautiful words were delivered. This was about 3 years ago…we were at Costco. For some reason Costco is the place I tend to lose my Jesus. From people telling Lily, “Man I wish I had that ride; I am tired of walking.” Yes, people say those things. To, “You are gonna get a speeding ticket." to "Do you have a license to drive that thing.” To, all the stares, to the rude comments, to you name it. Well, this night it happened to be my own kids acting a fool and not the general public. This is how the night went. Both kids acted a fool. Both kids fought the entire time. Both kids raced all over the store to see who would win (and this drives me crazy for reasons I will share another time and if you live in our circle, you already know…insert eye roll of judgement from the general public). We had bought a pretty heavy item. Brad needed help getting it into the car. I had thrown my back out earlier in the week from lifting Lily so I was out of commission. Told the kids to help. To which one replied, “I am already in the car, isn’t that your job.” Let me just stop right there and say I lost my Jesus. I was the one that acted a fool. I pretty much lost my mind on all them fools on the way home. I don’t think anyone said a word for the next 30 minutes. And all I could think about on the way home is how I was gonna be on fox 6 on your side, 10 o’clock news, Baptist white woman whips tail in the Costco parking lot. I am feeling pretty low. And remorseful. And I still want to whip some disrespectful tail. All the emotions. And my phone dings. This is what I read. Jennifer, I was at PWAP last night and mentioned to Lily that she would change the world one day and that her joy was infectious. I don’t know your story but the Lord continued to speak to me concerning Lily all night. I almost went back to PWAP to tell you but it was over by the time I could go back. So, I asked for your information and thankfully they gave it to me. Forgive me if this is a little weird for you, but I have learned that when the Lord speaks, I listen. And it is not often that He clearly gives me a recipient so quickly and so tangibly. God told me that Lily’s impact will affect nations. Not only in a blanket statement of “she’s a world changer” kind of way but that her joy will change the trajectory of lives. He told me that “laughter will bubble up in the bellies of the oppressed” because of Lily. I had to pull over on the side of the road because I could feel the impact she would have on people. I started sobbing feeling like my life had just been changed with a single glimpse of her joy. Multiply that for the thousands that will change the world. She will redefine what it means. “Trajectory” was a word He kept placing on my heart for her. She gave me her info and that was it. I sat there taking in what all I just read. I silently whispered to the Lord, why give me this at this moment. Why give this to me when I just lost my crap and felt like the biggest loser. I texted her back and explained that we are a hot mess. And that her words were timely. That I needed reminding what little people I was raising that will do big things. I needed reminding of the Kingdom work to be done. And I needed reminding that even when we are at our worst God still sees our best. We are still usable. Broken and Usable. I have held onto these words for years. I go back to them on the hard days. But more so than ever in the last year I see this all over Lily’s life. She has already changed our world. So much for the better. I see her joy. It bubbles out of her. I see her fearlessness. That comes from that sister that never lets her win just because you see a disability that we see as a strength. She is doing mighty things. She is moving mountains and changing this world. And I have a front row seat. SO much growth has happened since that night. Lily is in such a good place. I have watched kids from her orphanage come home and struggle. I have watched her struggle. I have watched the turmoil that brutally burns inside these babies to make sense of all the trauma. And sometimes she seems to escape the brutality of it all, when others don’t. I have wrestled with so many emotions over the last seven years. I have watched her become a beautiful soul. And the reason…JESUS. He has taken the brutally broken Dobson’s and taken all that was ugly and made it beautiful. He has taken a broken little baby from the inner city of Haiti, and planted her in Alabama and given her a beautiful story He is writing just for her. He has given her the strongest sister to carry all that has come with this journey she never asked for either. She has shown her how to fight, how to overcome, how to be fierce and loyal, how to win, how to have grit and not give up. He has given her a daddy that cuddles her and loves her fierce. He does all the things a girl dad should do plus more. He knows how to fix wheelchairs, and play rap music, and fill in all the gaps. He has given her a momma that is just as strong willed as she is. That loves her the way Jesus intended us to love. She has a momma that will fight those battles she can’t until she can. She has a momma that hasn’t lowered the bar just because life handed her the crap end of the stick. She has a circle of people that love her well and embrace all her joy. Jesus is why she will change this world. He is why joy fills her soul. She will change the nations. I am not sure how. I am not sure when. But I am here for it. Watching and waiting. Lily belle, Happy Birthday, my fierce little Haitian Hurricane. Blow through this world with all the force Jesus gives you! You are loved.

“You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John 13:7 This is one of Bird’s favorite verses. And I am beginning to understand why. The last year has been one of learning and reflection. For everyone. Not everyone has come out the same, and I think we have seen humanity at its worst and at its best. One thing I have realized is we are extremely blessed. Blessed to live in one of the greatest countries, blessed to have the healthcare at our fingertips that we do, blessed to have so many provisions in place when our world shuts down, blessed to have the basic needs met, blessed to worship as we want or not at all if that’s your stance, blessed to have food in abundance, blessed to have a government that continues to hand out money (but ask any business owner and they will tell you behind the scenes those taxes be rising), and blessed by the freedoms we still get to express and experience in this country. As far as I know everyone came out of 2020 with enough toilet paper and no one that I know of had to resort to other measures to wipe their rear. I realize tragedy did take place. There are those still mourning death and destruction in so many ways. And we mourn with them. For us it has given us an opportunity to really take in how incredibly blessed we are and evaluate the future we want for our kids. I am going to let you into an adoptive momma’s heart. It is a scary place to be sometimes. I will say with the shut down and things slowing down there has been more free time at our fingertips. That is not always a good thing. I love social media for all the right reasons. Keeping up with family, sharing our highs and lows, sharing what we think is funny and relevant to the times, etc. But I hate social media for probably all the same reasons you do as well. And too much time on our hands seems to enhance all the negative. A while back I came across a whole group of grown adopted children who have formed these groups. They are angry they were adopted. They were angry they were not given a choice. They were just angry at their entire situation. And it wrecked me. It scared me. It made my mind go to a million places that I could not control. In that moment fear gripped me because my biggest fear was staring me in the face. What if Lily grows up and hates me? What if she grows up angry because she did not have a choice? There are other groups as well. Black kids being raised by white parents and vice versa. And the destruction that some of the families faced. I quickly learned if you want to find the bad in a situation all you have to do is find a group on facebook because they do exist. And for a minute I let all these things take up space in my mind and in my heart. I allowed it to question how I parent, how I responded, the decisions I was making for Lily. And guess what there are parenting groups that tell you everything you are doing wrong as well. Pretty much everyone has an opinion on every. Single. Thing. These days and their opinion is right. And for a minute I let fear step into my heart and thought my black daughter is going to grow up and hate her white momma because she was adopted and did not have a choice and….. Insert Jesus’ words, “You may not understand what I am doing now, but someday it will all make sense.” We go through periods of grief and emotion with Lily. They do not last nearly as long, and they are now becoming much farther apart than they were in the beginning. She has every reason in the world to be angry. Angry at her situation, angry at the fact she can not walk, angry at the fact she has a really hard time putting sock and shoes on, angry at the fact she has to lay down in the floor to play, angry at the fact she is not being raised by her biological parents, in a country that is so much a part of her heart but she isn’t. Spend five minutes with her and you will see the joy that flows out of her heart. Spend five minutes with her and you will see you are the one handicapped because this child of mine looks at life in a totally different way. She sees the beauty in just about everything. Now, she questions everything, but she still sees the beauty and the joy. You know why…JESUS. Last weekend she was FINALLY able to return to wheelchair basketball. To a sport that has been so good to her and for her. When she first started playing her orphanage mentality was hard to break. She drank all the water bottles on the sidelines. Like not just hers, the entire teams. She would not share the ball with her teammates because she has had to fight for everything in her little life up to that point and to give the ball away did not make sense to her. She did not listen much and was like wrangling a bull in a china shop. She was fun to watch but her coaches had their work cut out for them. Fast forward three years to this weekend. My girl played some AMAZING ball. Have you ever tried to sit in a chair and shoot basketball, now insert pushing a wheelchair, dribbling a ball, then passing/shooting? It takes mad skills and she finally has them. She is beginning to be a force to be reckoned with and she has all the room to grow! But one thing I noticed that was far more important than all the basketball accomplishments she has made. There was a new friend on the team, a smaller friend. And Lily helped her this weekend. She pushed her chair when she needed help (all while pushing her own). She protected her when the balls were flying, she gave up the ball to her to practice shooting, the same ball that she coveted so much that she would never share in the beginning. She laughed and talked with her on the sideline. My baby girl was not the same kid from three years ago. My baby girl was not the orphan fighting for her life, and everything she thought would be taken from her. She was confident and had a heart of compassion and empathy. And then she went on the court and shut some kids down on defense. She scored on a 10ft women’s goal for the first time, and the pass came to her from her coach. A strong black woman who has poured into Lily and helped make her who she is today. I sat back and realized God knows what He is doing. He knows what Lily needs and who she needs far more than I do. I can let fear of the unknown grip me, and others’ opinions and experience grip me. BUT they have not walked in our shoes. They have not rolled in lily’s life experiences. They have not overcome the obstacles she has. And one thing I know is Jesus can take the worst of the worst and replace it with joy, and healing, and hope, and laughter. Lily is surrounded by an army that loves her. She is surrounded by strong black women and men that can pour into her in ways that I cannot. She is being shown she can do ANYTHING despite her disability, and she is learning everyday just how much Jesus loves her. Jesus gave these words to his disciples the night He washed their feet. He knew he was going to the cross. He knew His time on earth was coming to and end. He knew what His beloved disciples were going to face. And He gave them these words. I have a feeling that they clung to these words often over the hardships and uncertainty they would face. That when something did not make sense, they would look back on these words they tucked into their hearts and realize they might not see the full picture. “You don’t understand what I am doing, but someday you will understand.” I have learned fear and faith can not reside together. They can not live in the same place. You either have one or the other. And at some point, one will trump the other. Jesus adds a promise to His words later in chapter 13 of John. Verse 17 tells us, “Now if you do these things, you will be blessed.” “These things” is basically summed up with compassion, servanthood, and obedience. I have no doubt Lily will be blessed in this life. Because in her heart she has learned what compassion looks like, she has learned what servanthood has looked like, she has learned what obedience looks like. Does she choose these things every day? No, but neither do I. We are in this learning phase together. But I do know she is blessed, and I am blessed because I have her. And we have a bond that is bound by Jesus, His love, and His compassion, and I know all too well that He works for the good of those who love Him. So, in that I will rest. I will rest knowing His plans for Lily are far greater than I can see or imagine. I will rest in knowing He is placing each person in her life for growth and opportunity. That He has put her exactly where He wants her, because I also know it is a miracle she is here, she is healthy, and that she is not only a citizen of this great country but of HEAVEN. And that is the greatest hope I could have for her. Lily belle, my fierce brave girl, you will change this world. For the better, for all those just like you that do not have a voice. You are too brave, to resilient, too bold, and you love Jesus too much not too. I am speaking this over your life today, kid. And you have the greatest example to look up to…not me, but your sister who gave me this verse.

May the God of hope fill you with all JOY and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 There is one thing we have learned about adoption. It is always evolving, changing, and providing choices to stay where you are, or rip the scares apart, deal with them, and force yourself to change. Over the past seven years, we have started an adoption process, fought medical visa’s (twice-first was denied), brought our baby home, endured 12 plus surgeries, while fighting immigration on the U.S. side, adopted our baby, fought immigration again for citizenship, flew to Haiti to endure some very difficult meetings to ensure citizenship, and finally last year celebrated the finalized process of adoption, immigration, and citizenship. The paperwork journey had ended. Lily’s paperwork life was finalized. However, the emotional roller coaster of adoption remained. Over the past year we have been able to breathe again. We have not had to question what life was going to look like if things did not work out as they did. We have been able to sleep. Not worrying about what would happen if the paperwork was not approved. Not worrying about the financial restraints of the immigration and adoption process. Over the course of seven years we paid for the adoption twice. Crooked agencies, lawyers etc. do a number on your sanity and bank account. Immigration is intimidating and expensive as well. To fight the U.S. immigration processes was around 20K. That is another conversation for another day. So, for those of you who love to say, “They should do it the right way” (meaning immigrants) explain to me what mother fleeing a 3rd or 4th world country, poverty, famine, and abuse, could possibly come here and “do it the right way”? Shell out the money we have, at the lovely liberty that we could afford an awfully expensive, good attorney to walk us through this ridiculous process. I will leave that alone for now, as that topic is for another day. But you get the picture. We can finally rest and breathe and just do life. Except, emotional scares do not go away. It has been a really good year for Lily. She is growing. And accepting. And each day she has more questions, and each day we try to find the right answers to bring healing to her soul. Because aside from all the obstacles she must endure from her legs and wheelchair, her soul suffers much more than her physical body. I try to be aware of this. I try to offer grace. I try to be the mom she needs, so that when she gets older, she will look back and not be angry at her situation but embrace all God has done for her. Sometimes, I fail miserably. And sometimes, I get it so right. It is the balancing the two that is exhausting. This time last year we were at a fundraising event for Lily. It was a difficult time for Lily. She had really been struggling emotionally, and I was spent. Exhausted. This would be one month and 4 days before she would accept the greatest gift she ever received, and her soul would truly begin to heal. One month and 4 days before she would accept the greatest gift of all. Jesus. I received a text message after the show. I remember the exact place, the exact time, the exact moment I was when I received this text. We were in the car on the way home from grocery shopping. My kids were out of control that day. One smart mouthed strong will battle from one and the other was right on her heels. It had been one of those days. And I had lost my temper. I yelled at everyone, and I was done with all the crap they had thrown my way that day. I was feeling like a loser mom. I was sure I made a fool of myself in Costco parking lot. My kids were crying. Brad and I were not our best and we were just not thankful, grateful, or anything close this close to thanksgiving. It was one of those days. And the following word from the Lord is what I received in the middle of our storm of life. Jennifer, I was at PWAP last night and mentioned to Lily that she would change the world one day and that her joy was infectious. I don’t know your story, but the Lord continued to speak to me concerning Lily all night. I almost went back to PWAP to tell you, but it was over by the time I could go back. So, I asked for your information and thankfully they gave it to me. Forgive me if this is a little weird for you, but I have learned that when the Lord speaks, I listen. And it is not often that He clearly gives me a recipient so quickly and so tangibly. God told me that Lily’s impact will affect nations. Not only in a blanket statement of “she’s a world changer” kind of way but that her joy will change the trajectory of lives. He told me that “Laughter will bubble up in the bellies of the oppressed” because of Lily. I had to pull over on the side of the road because I could feel the impact she would have on people. I started sobbing feeling like my life had just been changed with a single glimpse of her joy. Multiply that for the thousands that will be affected by her love. She won’t just change the world. She will redefine what it means. “Trajectory” was a word He kept placing on my heart for her. I got that message at the worst possible time. I was mad at her. I was tired with her. And it was heavy. God knew what He was doing. He always has and always will. He sent that to me at a low point. He reminded me there is still work, deep, gospel work to be done in Lily’s life. One month later I would watch that same smart mouth kid, lead her aggravating sister to the Lord and it was beautiful. And that set my heart on fire and reminded me of the prophesy from that stranger a month prior for my daughter. I now know there is much at stake for Lily. For us. For those she has touched and will touch. I have gone back to this often. It still gives me chills each time I read it. It still rises a fire in my soul for the ground she will cover for Christ. It still reminds me parenting her heart and soul matter, because she will help change things I can not even begin to imagine. Fast forward a year. I took my kids to Rosh Hashanah. It was a beautiful service full of rich tradition. Lily sang and danced. She has a love of life that is infectious. She does not meet a stranger, and she lives each moment she is given to the fullest. It was a three-hour service. And she drank every bit of it into her soul. At the end of the service the Rabbi asked if there was anyone that needed prayer. The service was over. We were chatting, and I looked around and did not see Lily. I scanned the room and there she was. Tapping on the Rabbi. None of us around her, she boldly approached, and before I got to her she was already engaged in conversation. This baby that never spoke in Haiti, that kept her emotions locked up and locked in, was bold and asking. As I walked over to her she was explaining where she was from, what happened to her legs, and that she wanted healing to walk. She had already climbed out of her chair and was seated on the floor with the Rabbi next to her and another woman who was there praying as well. I kneeled into their conversation, and I see my child owning her disability. Owning her journey. Owning all of what has happened to her and laying it at the feet of Jesus. The Rabbi listened and was ready to pray. He grabbed Lily’s hand to pray and immediately stopped. It was as if lightening had just gone through this prayer circle. He pulled back and said, “Before I pray, I need to tell you something Lily.” “God told me to tell you He is pleased with YOU. He finds JOY in YOU. He DELIGHTS in YOU.” He went on to speak life, the words of God into her soul and she drank it in. And all I could think about it how I parented her that week. Everything I corrected, everything I scolded, everything I did not praise or pour life into. Every bit of joy from her I wasted. I felt 3 inches tall. And in that moment, I saw Lily as God sees Lily. Full of joy, full of laughter, full of hope, full of life, and that SHE WILL change the trajectory of this world. As I was realizing all of this and wallowing in my downfall, the woman grabbed my hand to pray, looked me in the eyes, and said God has a word for you too. “He is pleased with you, He loves you, and delights in you.” It was salve for my weary soul. I learned something about my God that night. That He is kind, gentle, and caring about every detail. Of each of our lives. That night Lily and I were just daughters of the King. Not mom and daughter, but sisters sitting before their Father being lifted up to Him. We were both there for healing and hope. Restoration and Laughter. Joy and Revival. God spoke life and love into our hearts. He is not a dictator and keeper of wrong, but a God of true love. He allows you to come just as you are. Broken and beautiful to Him. I experienced Him in new ways that night and it has continued ever since. Joy is also a choice. Especially in the world we live in now. And that night He showed me how to have true Joy and Rest in Him. Last night we were at church for a movie night. Lily was shuffling in the seat she was in. I could tell her hips were starting to hurt. If she sits in one position too long her body begins to ache. I watched her ask her sister if she could climb into her lap. She did. And as Anna Lee scooped her up, wrapped her arms around her and pulled her in tight it was a picture of what Jesus does for us. When we hurt, if we just let Him, He will scoop us up. Hold us tight. And remind us who we are to Him. These girls of mine will change the world. I am speaking it into their lives. Parents are you positioning your kids to hear from the Lord? Are you allowing them experiences with the Lord that will outweigh the experiences of this world? Are they seeing love in your life or hate, anger, and everything that is going wrong, instead of, right? Or are you choosing joy during painful circumstances. Are you living triumphantly or defeated? Opinions and attitude are everywhere these days. And my question to you is do they know your opinions and attitude, or do they know your God and His gospel.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Lily finally asked me the dreaded question.  I knew it would come one day.

        It has been challenging the last few weeks with #nolimitlily around our home during quarantine.  She misses lakeshore and her friends.  It is hard for her to get energy out being in a chair.  Especially when she has SO MUCH stored up in that little body of hers. She can’t go outside and run and play.  It has taken some imagination to get her energy out.  On the days we don’t do so well, it comes out with negative behavior.  Sometimes it triggers past behaviors because of past trauma in her little life.  You never know what will trigger her behaviors or her memories, but I am getting better at recognizing them.  New ones often surprise me, but you just learn to roll with it, make a note of it, and adjust.

        Last Wednesday we cooked rice.  And stir fry.  The rice did it.  It was the trigger.  She loves rice.  LOVES RICE.  It’s all she ate when she first came home.  Probably because it was the staple meal she had in the orphanage.  But with the rice came lots of questions at dinner.  It brought back memories.  I could see her wheels turning.  YouTube will show you anything.  So, we pulled up Haiti videos.  We drove down the crowded streets.  We visited the meat market.  We saw the mountains and the sea.  We saw houses some big, and others small shacks.  She even asked about prisons (this comes from watching cops with PawPaw…insert an eye roll here).  So, we checked out the less than desirable conditions in a Haitian prisons.  We looked at pictures of orphanages.  We talked about the journey to bring her home.  We talked about our experiences there and how Anna Lee was only 6 years old the first time she visited.  2 years old less than Lily right now.  That struck a chord with her.  Some things she saw frightened her. I shared with her how scared I was the first time I visited, but that often God calls us to do things even though they are scary.  She realized just how brave her big sister really is.  Dinner was finished.  We cleaned up.  Lily was still at the table.  Brad and Anna Lee had moved on to the living room for the nightly showing of Dr. Pol.  It was just her and me.

       
         A lot of times it’s just her and me.  And we battle often just her and me.  Because we are both stubborn.  We are both feisty.  And we both want our own way.  And this night she picked me.  She picked me to ask the hard questions. 

I read a blog a while ago about a grown adopted child.  She was angry at her parents.  Angry at the world.  She was angry she had been adopted and not given a choice.  She wanted a choice as a small child to decide if she wanted to be adopted or not.  Then I realized there is a whole community of adopted children like this out there.  It scared me to death.  Kept me up for about a week.  I worried this would be Lily.  That she would grow up and be angry that she didn’t have a choice.  That she would hate us as this child did her own parents.  That she would be angry at her situation.  What is the difference in this woman and my Lily?  This is still in the back of my mind often.  Especially when the hard questions come.

After everyone left the table and it was just her and me.  I could see she wasn’t finished.  She was quiet.  Still looking at pictures of her homeland.  I sat down asked her what she wanted to know.  Big tears welled up in her eyes, and I asked again.  Then she said, “Did I have a momma in Haiti?”  We have danced around this for a while.  But tonight was different.  Her heart, mind, and soul were connected to this question.  She wasn’t asking as a child anymore, she was asking as someone who wanted answers.  I quickly prayed for God to give me healing words for her soul.  And I answered, “YES.”  You absolutely had a momma in Haiti.  Then she asked, “What about a daddy?”  To which I answered, “Yes.”  Then the question I knew was lingering came.  “Why did my momma leave me at the orphanage.”  Again, whispered prayers for her soul.  I told her all the information I knew.  I shared with her that I feel in my soul that her momma knew she would have a better chance at getting medical care if she left her there.  And that she made the ultimate sacrifice for her daughter that would give her life.  I explained to her that I wasn’t brown, I wasn't Haitian, and I wasn’t her birth momma, but that one day there is a prayer journal of mine that she could read.  And during the exact days her birth momma was giving birth and the 10 days before she entered the orphanage, her American momma was praying for her birth momma and daddy to make the best possible decisions for their child.  For 10 days that no one has accounted for Lily, for some reason I was directed to pray for our birth child’s parents.  I was covering them and didn’t even realize the significance of those dates.  I was praying for them and Lily as they traveled about Haiti for 10 days before she was placed.  And that we were forever connected through prayer.  That she was never alone not for one minute.  That she and her Haitian family was constantly being covered in prayer.  We talked about every trip we took and every goodbye.  How we cried and our hearts broke when we left her, but our prayers didn’t leave her.  How we fought for her when she had no idea God was moving Heaven and Earth for her.  How she is now surrounded by family, and friends who love her fiercely.  Tears were shed, but they weren’t the heartbreaking kind that I thought would come.  I shared with her how I believe God has a mighty plan and purpose for her life.  That I believe she is going to change this world.  How she is fierce and brave.  She then said we needed to move to the living room at this point.

She made us circle up.  She climbed in her chair and said she needed to share something.  And one by one she thanked us for what we did.  She just kept saying over and over thank you for going and thank you for taking me and loving me, and I saw it coming...the flood gates broke.  Tears from deep down came flooding out.  I watched Brad scoop her up.  And she cried.  She cried all the hurt, pain, and joy her little life has had.  In the safe arms of her daddy, she let it out.  Again a picture of how our Heavenly father holds us, and our tears.  Anna lee and I watched with tears.  I quickly explained the conversation that took place in the kitchen, which led to what we were experiencing at that moment.  We circled her up, shed some tears, and told her how much she was loved and wanted.  Then comes the beautiful part. 

We have done a lot of things wrong, but we have also done some things right.  And what came next flooded my soul with hope.  Lily grabbed our hands and said circle up.  We are having family prayer.  I will lead, yall follow and dad will finish.  Something that was painful, something that hurt, wounds that were opened were healed in my baby that night and she knew why.  It was because of Jesus.  She knows the answer is prayer.  She went there without being led.  That night she was leading.  And she prayed the most special prayer my heart has ever heard.  She thanked God for each person in her family, and some she even said why.  She thanked him for citizenship and wheelchairs and healing.  She thanked him for a family and for her friends and for her church!  We all prayed.  We all took turns thanking Him for all he has done.  It was beautiful.  It was not at all what I imagine this conversation to look like.  Jesus took something that was broken and molded it into something beautiful.  I saw healing replace hurt, and pain turn to joy.  I realized in that moment the difference between the angry adopted child and my Lily was Jesus.  I don’t have to fear her future, because He already has it. 

This adoption journey as been hard.  For all of us.  We have all had moments of despair.  Of joy.  Of hurt.  Of anger.  But EVERY SINGLE TIME God turns it all back to Him and fills us full of hope and joy.

This kid of mine will change the world.  I told her the other night when her eyes were full of tears, she might have been left, but she was chosen.  Chosen by God, chosen by us, chosen by her grandparents, chosen by her friends and that she will forever be wanted and pursued.  She is loved and safe and home.

            

But our citizenship is in heaven.

But our citizenship is in heaven.  And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.  Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand first in the Lord, dear friends!

  Philippians 3:20-21, 4-1

        Lily is growing, and healing.  The last year has been one of exhaling and seeing fruit.  Tomorrow will mark the day we have been hoping for.  Tomorrow will be a day of rejoicing and celebrating.  A journey finally complete and nothing but the future ahead.  God’s timing is perfect.  Even if, at times, it didn’t feel good and make sense along the way. 

        This summer Lily tried track and field.  I don’t think she realizes just how talented she is.  One day she will but for now she is experiencing life to the fullest.  Sometimes it’s hard keeping up with her spirit for life.  It’s like she was held captive in her thoughts, emotions, body, and circumstances for three plus years, and now she is exploding life.  She is making up for lost time. 

There are moments I get to experience with her, that I tuck away and treasure.  This happened during one practice a few months ago. Towards the end of season Lily was really getting the hang of track.  She was getting use to the chair, the coaches, and the track.  Lily hasn’t figured this out yet, but she is a fierce competitor.  She is and will be a force to be reckoned with.  I am sure her coach noticed this as well, and one practice she pushed her a little harder than most.  Lily was getting used to her chair on the track and man, she is fast.  About half-way through her laps I could tell she was getting tired.  Coach kept pushing her.  I could see tears were coming and about to fall.  Few more laps and they did.  She stopped came over to me and the water works began.  We talked through whether she was tired or in pain.  Anna Lee gave some encouragement on an athlete/sister level.  Her coach came over encouraged and talked through what it meant to quit or keep going.  She encouraged her not to quit and to finish.  She got herself together, got back on the track and finished.  She had the option to quit that day.  She had the option to sit in her sorrow, feel sorry for herself, or become an athlete, dig deep, and finish strong.  But what happened after that is what encouraged my momma heart.  She finished her laps and her practice.  After practice, she could have put up her chair, grabbed her stuff and left.  But she didn’t.  She finished her laps, and then she started helping put up the track and field equipment.  She helped clear the court.  She helped her teammates and coaches not only finish practice but clean up after practice.  She was learning life skills in that moment.  My seven-year-old, who came from nothing is now learning character.  She is learning how to be a good human.  She is learning how not to quit when things get hard.  She is learning how to put others first when everything in her has been engrained to fight for yourself to stay alive.  She is learning to trust.  She is learning how much she is loved, not only by us but by a Father who never left her, who’s plans are far better for her than anything we could have imagine. 

        Tomorrow Schneily Dulcema Dobson will become a United States Citizen.  A journey that we embarked on 7 years ago, before this baby was even born, will finally come to an amazing end.  The last “paperwork” step will happen.  And life for Lily will finally be secure.  I never imagined this journey of adoption would look like this for us.  But looking back now, I am so thankful for the story God wrote for Lily and for us.  The growth and learning that has come for all of us.  I often wondered why it took so long.  I can see now why it did.  Too many reasons to type and share, but I am so thankful it is happening now, instead of this time last year, or the year before, or the year before that.  Because what’s happened in this last year of our lives together as a family has been beautiful.  It’s been full of healing for all of us.  It’s been full of falling in love with a daughter the Lord knew we all needed.  It’s been full of learning to trust and love like the Father loves us.  Lily has taught us more about loving like Jesus than anything else in life.  She has changed our lives for the better.  And tomorrow we celebrate.  She becomes a citizen but that is not the most important thing that will happen in her life, yet.

        My prayer has always been that she experiences the love of Jesus and one day she accepts His gift of eternal life.  And becomes a citizen of Heaven.  Where one day she will be fully healed, fully restored, no more broken body, no more broken emotions, all because of Him.

        Tomorrow we celebrate all HE HAS DONE!  #nolimitlily You are loved, you are wanted, you are a treasure and you are HIS.