He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Revelation 21:5 It has been hard lately. Just hard. I have a hard time with hard. We have been through so much hard that hard should be easy at this point. We should be used to all the things that come with saying yes to adoption. Because if you have followed any part of our story you would know we should be rockstars at hard by this point. So when things aren't quite easy guilt creeps in with feelings of inadequacy, doubt, guilt, dread, depression, etc...all the things. It's hard not being able to walk. It's hard not doing "normal" things. It's hard feeling like everyday you have to fight and advocate for a normal life. And thats the easy part of hard if that makes sense. Pile on multi racial family dynamics. I am not black. I will never be black. I will never understand what that means for Lily. I will never fully understand the fight she will have because the color of her skin. And sometimes she struggles with the fact I am not black. I am trying to educate and learn all the things she needs me to, and that adds to the emotional pull of making sure she grows up as healthy as possible. She has hidden pain that only we see. We regress and it often feels we take two steps forward to take 20 backwards. That is where we have been hanging out lately. It has been emotionally draining for all of us. I am going to pause on that note and share about Anna Lee (affectionately called Bird). She was 5 when we started this process. For 7 years she lived in two worlds with us. Trips back and forth to Haiti. She held her sister for the first time when she was six. I knew what it felt like to have to say goodbye in Haiti and leave Lily behind. But watching Anna Lee have to go through those goodbyes wrecked my heart. I remember the first goodbye for her was gut wrenching. She loved Haiti. She loved those kids. And her attachment to Lily was immediate. The last day you try and prepare yourself for what you know is coming. I can't imagine how a 6 year old processes that, but she did. I remeber her handing Lily over to the nanies, and crumbling. We made it back to the guest house, and she had all the questions. Why why why. I had no answers other than this was our journey, her journey, Lily's journey, and God had a plan and purpose and we just had to trust. She cried most of the evening. We took the normal cold shower. She cried. I held her. 6. She was 6. And she grew up that day even more. She was a driving force the rest of the process. When it got harder, she pressed in. When we wanted to give up, she stood firm. When we were tired, her energy kept us going. She has been the most single constant person in Lily's life. She has always filled in the gaps for us for her. She has always been the strongest ball of fire and fight for her sister. She is driving now, and watching her load and unload her sister's wheelchair does something to my heart that I just can't put words. She has grown up fighting for her, and carrying the weight of our decisions behind closed doors. When the hard gets harder, Bird feels that too. No one ever talks about the weight the siblings of adoption carry, and then add to that, a sibling of a special needs kid. That's a heavy place to be sometimes. Yet she does it. And carries it. And I am not sure what all God will do with her life because of it, but I can tell you one thing...she will be a force to be reckoned with, and she is the strongest kid I know. She is my rock, and I will forever be grateful for her. So getting back to the hard...As Lily gets older I am trying to respect not giving all the details of her little life of what all the struggles are. So just know I have not been okay for the better part two months. She hasn't either. We are both stubborn, incredibly stubborn. We are both full of fire and grit, we are both head strong and determined. And for the past few months we have been battling all things adoption related. I am continually reminded God picked her just for us and vice versa. I firmly believe that. But it doesn't make it any easier. He is using us both to refine and change us from the inside out. Somedays I am okay with that, others I am not, because IT IS HARD. So for the last few months I have been pleading with the Lord for relief. For just some peace among the crazy. For some comfort among the discomfort. It's been a minute since I have heard his voice. I have felt like the children of Israel wondering around in circles in the desert for a min. And finally after a good bid of stomping my feet and pleeding and feeling like I finally surrendered some things, I heard Him gently say, "Just sit with me." And I was confused. Because I sit with Him daily. I have a stack of prayer journals to show for it. I read all the books, do all the quiet time, do all the things. So my only response at this point was, "Lord, you gonna have to show me what you mean and how you want me to do this." This is where my heart started to soften. I have learned lately God is showing up in the most unexpected places for me. We had an adaptive pumpkin patch at our home this past October. I felt like Jesus sat down on our property that day and touched every single person that walked through our patch. I still don't have words to process the emotions of that day. A place full of pumpkins was surrounded by the Love of Jesus and nothing else. We had a field trip for special needs kids the day before. I watched people who love Lily and love us give up their Friday and experience the Love of Jesus and serving like never before. It was so pure. It's so hard to go do normal life again after you have experienced love like that and yet that should be the driving factor for our faith. I have seen God move in our business. I have seen Him move in extreemly hard situations with extended friends. We have had church multiple times over hard situations. I have seen God restore relationships that were broken in my own family that needed repair. I have a dear friend at Lakeshore that I love so much. I have had more church with her in the bleechers sometimes than I have had in actual church. She sent me a text about 2 weeks ago asking if I was okay. I forgot to repsond because I don't have my life together. When I finally saw her I told her no, I am not okay. This is hard for me, becuase I normally feel like I have to have it together to be okay for everyone else. I am working on that. But as I shared with her what has been going on, and what all I felt the Lord was telling me she looked at me with her big smile and a joy from Jesus that I love so much, and she said, "Jennifer, He literally wants you to sit with Him." Let Him love you. Let Him minister to you. He doesn't need your checklist and all your things, He just needs you, to sit. I knew this but I needed her to tell me. I am learning how to let God just love me. He does, so very very much. There is still so much more to Him that I haven't even discovered. There is so much I still need to let go of and live. To just sit with Him in the moment. Being grateful and thankful for all He has brought us through. All the hard, and the hard that is yet to come. He gave me Revelation 21:5...He is making all things new. My word for 2023 is New. And it is super cliche. I try and stay away from fads and cliche things because that's just my stubboness. If everyone is doing something, I am doing the complete opposite. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's me. So I almost pushed back on this with Him. But then isn't this the very existence of what our faith defines. That He is the potter and we are the clay. That He remolds and remakes us daily. That we should be transformed in His image, one that I am learning new things about every single day. So I am leaning into this. I am leaning into what newness will come for me and #nolimitlily this year. For Bird and her future, for Brad and his influence in all the things he is apart of. He doesn't get enough credit for putting up with three very strong willed females. He is the strong tower behind us all. I am opening myself up to all the new God wants to bring our way. Because I have learned even the new hard produces new growth. So we are not okay over here, but we are being made new. And we are learning, and still growing, and when these kids leave my house they will be ready! And we will be okay! "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it spings forth, do you not percieve it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19 I am here for it!