The Lord
will fight for you; you NEED ONLY to be still.
Exodus 14:14
I haven’t written in many months. It’s too painful. It hurts and quite frankly I just don’t want
to talk about it. I don’t want to answer
the questions of, “when is she coming home”, “so where are you at now in the
process,” or “why is it taking so long”.
The answers to all of the above…”I don’t know!”
So
today, and tomorrow and the next day and from here on out this is what I will
focus on…the things I do know. The things
God has reminded me of this morning, the things that He has been working on me
over the last few months during my pity party I have been throwing for myself.
NOW FAITH
IS BEING SURE OF WHAT WE HOPE FOR AND CERTAIN OF WHAT WE DO NOT SEE. HEBREWS 11:1
This is what I hope for: I hope Lily comes home, I really do. But I also hope that God draws me close, and I want for Him more than I want for Lily. I hope He opens a door for us to serve that goes beyond adoption, because throughout this 3 going on 4 year journey I have realized there is much more to do than to just bring this sweet baby home. I hope that through this Anna Lee experiences a God that not only answers prayers, but that she experiences a God that holds her hand and walks her through life even when it hurts and prayers aren’t answered in the way we want or expect. I hope she learns to praise Him regardless of the circumstance and sees His goodness even when we don’t see the plan working in our favor. I hope she learns as Elisha’s servant did in 2 Kings chapter 6 that God sends armies to fight for us even when we can’t see them. I hope she comes out of this experience with a deeper rooted relationship with the Lord and then goes on to serve Him fearlessly. I hope she finds a man to fight for her and her family the way Brad does for us. And yes again, I hope Lily comes home and get’s to experience everything I want for Anna Lee. I hope they get to be sisters and grow old together…and if not here than my hope turns to eternity….
Now shifting to the things I am certain of…I am certain of who God is. He is my Lord, My King, My Father and My Friend. I am certain He split the Red Sea, I am certain he spoke through a burning bush, I am certain he showed His glory to Moses and then allowed his face to be radiant (I hope my face too, is radiant because of the time I have spent with the Lord), I am certain He provided for Ruth and Naomi, and Esther. I am certain He walked beside Hannah as she gave her miracle child Samuel back to the Lord. I am certain He changed David’s life because of the raw, emotional Psalms that have spoken so often to me. I am certain He gives wisdom to those who seek, because Solomon tells me so. I am certain because of His great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning. I am certain we are not consumed, because I am certain He sent His son, His beloved Son, who stands before the throne and pleads my case, the same Son that when the Father looks at me, He sees His blood covering me and see’s me righteous ONLY because of His Son's blood. I am certain His Son died on a cross for me and for you to open the way to Him. I can sit on my couch, each morning and pour out my soul to Him, because when He chose that cross and He gave up His spirit and He died, the curtain was split. And through that split I am able to have a relationship with my God, My Savior, and My Friend. So, this is what I am certain of. My God is for me. He fights for me. He is El Roi, He is the God who sees. He sees the end result, the end of the journey, the beginning the middle and the end, and only He knows at which point I am standing. So I am certain of this…He will fight for me, I only need to be still. This battle is His. This battle is not mine, not my families, not our government, not their government but His. He knows what’s best; He loves Lily far more than we ever could. He loves each of those kids that I have come to love so much. So this is not my battle…It’s His. I am laying it down, I will be obedient…I will continue to walk for however long it takes, but my soul is being still. If I have to be a mother from afar as Hannah was to Samuel I will, but one thing I won’t do is stop Praising my Father for what He has already done. He died for me and that is enough. Why do I need anything more?
Because
of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never
fail. They are new every morning; great
is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The
Lord is my portion therefore I will WAIT for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in
him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of
the Lord.”
Lamentations
3:22-26
