Know that the Lord is God.

He has made everything beautiful in its time…Ecclesiastes 3:11a

Know that the Lord is God.  It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.  Psalm 100:3

For the past month I have watched pain, but I have also seen joy unspeakable.  I have watched a little girl teach us all what true joy really is.  How true joy can triumph circumstance.  I have learned happiness is from circumstance but true joy comes from the Lord, and comes from within. 

        Three and a half weeks ago Lily started a new journey, a journey to become like the rest of us.  To have legs that will hopefully one day look normal.  To have legs that will hopefully one day support her weight and allow her to walk.  To have a life that will one day be independently lived without having to rely on someone else.  She has begun that journey and she has done it by teaching her momma what it means to embrace true joy. 

        I knew she was tough.  I knew she was strong-willed.  I knew she was independent.  I knew she always finds a will and a way.  I just didn’t know how deep that ran.  I have often asked the Lord, why two of these kids…why did you give me two kids who are so much a like?  Why are they so strong willed, so determined, so bent on their way?  And why, oh why, did you give them to a strong-willed, determined bent on her way momma?  I am slowly learning, we all need these traits to survive this journey, and we are all learning to let go of these traits to become more moldable, more like Him.

        Lily’s surgery didn’t go quite as planned.  They could only do one leg this time, instead of two.  She had major work done to both, just not what we planned.  I have a close friend who was at the hospital with me that day who reminded me, this was His plan.  She told me, "Don’t get discouraged, His timing, His Plans."  To me, all I could think was longer recovery time, more surgeries, and longer she would have to be in the state she was in.  Looking back, my friend was right.  His plans are good.  His plans are right.  For whatever reason Lily’s journey hasn’t been the typical normal plan, nor has anything gone according to plan, so I’m not sure why I was so surprised.

        That afternoon she was wheeled into her room with me and her daddy by her side.  The last surgery she had was around 4-6 months of age and she did it alone with no momma or daddy.  This time, she was promised a family.  My main fear was what would she think when she woke up and saw the attachment on her leg for the first time.  Would she hate us?  Would she freak out?  Would she question what we have done to her?  When she came to she cried, I cried, and we just held each other.  We promised her we would do this as a family, and she just nodded and held onto me for the next four days.  That night was the worst night of this whole process.  Her pain got out of control.  Sometime between 10pm and 2 am she hit rock bottom.  She screamed at me to take it off.  She tried to herself.  She begged, she cried, she pleaded for the pain to be removed, for the ugliness to go away.  I asked her, "Baby, do you want your legs fixed?”  To which she answered, “No! Take it off!”  Then I asked, “Do you want your legs to be straight?”   To which she answered, “No! Take it off!” Then I asked, “Do you want to be able to possibly walk one day?” She cried and she shook her head yes. And then I heard her whisper, “Yes momma!”  And then she broke.  She cried a broken cry.  She mourned what was and the uncertainty of the future.  Brad and I both told her we would fight with her.  She screamed quite a bit that night.  I asked her a few times if she was angry to which she answered yes.  She screamed from the bottom of her belly to get the anger out and we just let her.  She cried, we cried.  At one point I know Brad and I looked at each other and without saying a word thought what have we done to her?  That night was miserable, and it was ugly, but it was the beginning of something beautiful.

        The next day a very close friend came into the room early that morning to check on us.  She came with words from the Lord.  She took one look at me, at us and knew it wasn’t good.  She looked at me in the face and the first words out of her mouth that morning were, “You did not make a mistake.”  I lost it in her arms.  She was sent from my Father to remind us to keep going.  Because at that moment I was done, we were done, exhausted with nothing left.  My cousin, who also worked at the hospital, followed her with the same words of affirmation and put a sign on the door, “no visitors.”  They finally dosed Lily up on some pretty good pain meds.  I climbed back into bed with her, laid across her chest, which was the only place she wanted me, and we slept, for most of the day.  She woke up each time with her momma and daddy and knew she was loved, she was cared for, and she wasn’t alone…not anymore.  And when it got too rough she would beg, prayers momma prayers.  She knew that when we couldn’t meet her needs there is One who is greater WHO CAN!

        The next day I watched my husband fill the roles I couldn’t.  I was scared to touch her, to move her.  She was in pain and her legs were so broken and it seemed everywhere we needed to touch her had been cut on in some form.  It was time to get out of the bed and try to do life again.  Brad reached down and with confidence and strength he lifted her up and into his arms she went.  That was the moment I knew we were going to be okay.  That was the moment I knew the Lord joined our union 10 plus years ago for this.  I see why marriage is important.  I see why we have certain strengths and weaknesses.  I see every trait the Lord knit into our being and why.  Lily saw it too.  She knew then she would be okay and she would be able to get through this.  She took a turn that day.  Her personality that she had buried began to surface once again.  Her spunk came back.  Her will, her determination, it was all flooding back to us.  I was hopeful!    

         
       The first week she didn’t even want to look at her leg, nor did she want anyone else looking at it either.  She wanted it covered up.  She wanted it hidden.  She didn’t want to see the ugly, the scars.  However, over the last three weeks she has become proud.  She has seen the transformation her legs have taken.  She sat on the toilet for the first time with both of her legs in front of her, not one behind her and hanging in the potty as she goes.  She was so proud she called everyone in to see.  That was the first smile I saw over the situation her legs were in.  Now, she proudly shows her new hardware.  Over the last three weeks I have watched her get stronger.  With each crank we have to turn to straighten her legs, comes pain.  But with that pain, I have seen beauty.  I have seen her fight.  And I have seen her have true joy when I haven’t.

        Throughout this I have learned so much from my kids.  My nine year old has stepped up in ways I never knew she had in her.  She has done things she shouldn’t have to without complaining.  She has embraced it all with joy as well.  She has prayed for her sister deeply.  She has cried and rejoiced with her.  She has carried her and nurtured her.  She has fought with her and kept it normal.  She has taught me to continue to do life and do it normal.

        I have learned throughout this, that pain gives way to beauty.  You see I haven’t handled this transition so well.  I am trying…but I underestimated how hard this would be.  I underestimated what I would have to give up.  I underestimated how selfish I really was.  I underestimated how selfless you really had to be to care for someone else daily, sometimes minute by minute.  I have felt each kid is only getting 50% of me and as someone who strives for some sort of perfection that doesn’t sit too well.  The Lord has really taught me that pain brings transformation, transformation brings beauty, and beauty gives way to life in Him.  Lily has scares on her body that represent a painful time in her life.  But those scares healed and they are a testament to the transformation the Lord is doing not only on her outward broken body, but inwardly in her heart, and soul as well.  She knows even at this early age where her help comes from, because she prays often.  She calls to Him often.  Even at an early age she knows there is a greater power. 

       
       She has plans.  She has plans to ride a horse.  Especially after her Paw Paw promised he would buy her one when she was in so much pain.  She has plans to ride a bike.  She has plans to dance with Mickey Mouse, especially after her daddy promised to take her to Disney World when she was in so much pain.  The other day I was in the kitchen doing laundry.  The kids were in the school room finishing up school.  I look over and I was no longer in the kitchen alone.  Lily was there beside me.  She was in a bean bag chair.  Apparently that wasn’t where she thought she should be.  So she got herself down, figured out a way to drag herself into the kitchen with me and then flashed the biggest smile across her face to save herself from the trouble she was about to be in.  I realized at that moment she is going to do great things.  The lord has plans for her brokenness.  She is fearfully and wonderfully made.  She is strong and determined and one day she will do great things for His kingdom, because He has done great things for her.

        In two days we celebrate the day my Savior hung on a cross and took the ugly dirty sin upon Him.  He conquered the broken mess we are that day.  And three days later He rose to give us life and give it abundantly.  I have this life because of His sacrifice so many years ago.  I have beauty from brokenness because He paved the way.  He came, He died, and He rose for me, for us, for a broken world that needs Him. 

For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.  John 3:16-17

For this life I am thankful.  For His sacrifice I am thankful.  Our brokeness is made whole and beautiful.  Praise God My Savior Lives!