Let us
fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…Hebrews 12:2
I have
been holding on to this post for the better part of four months…no make it
longer. For fear of judgment, for fear
of a lack of understanding, for the
simple reason I felt as if I couldn’t write until I was out of this season…but
I’m afraid this season is setting in…for a while. I have written honestly throughout this
entire journey, so why stop now. I’m
imperfect, my family is imperfect but I am so thankful I serve a Father
who is perfect and loves me just as I am.
Hang
with me…I’m going to be selfish, and I am gonna whine selfishly…for a
moment. I need to whine so you know
where I have been, where I am and what the Lord is freeing me from. Because in the end, His glory is all that
matters. I was reminded of that tonight, from a very feisty 27 year old, who is much wiser than me…I hope when I grow up I get to be more like her.
I have
come to the realization I have a special needs daughter. I have come to the realization it is not
going to be easy. I have come to the
realization I have to take her to the bathroom, every 15 minutes, followed by
turning on her light, opening doors, getting her to and from point a to point
b. She can’t put her pants on by
herself, she can’t reach much of nothing and there are lots of places that ARE
NOT wheel chair accessible. School may
not even be an option because not too many people want the issues brought on by
a handicap child. Some days it would
seem so easy to be able to put her down and say stand right here. Grocery store shopping with a wheel chair and
a buggy stinks, and she can’t fit in a buggy because if you get her in, her legs
won’t get her back out. I know it will get
easier but right now, it’s not. Some
days I wish I could say, "can you just brush your teeth and put your clothes on
and go downstairs and get in the car." It
takes much longer to get anywhere and then you have to decide which chair to
take and if they have a ramp or not.
Then sometimes you even plan your events around the bathrooms. Next time you take your toddler to a public restroom
by yourself and the changing table is on the outside of the bathroom stall, and
you need to pee, and they can’t stand and their chair won’t fit in the stall,
and the last thing you want to do is lay them in the floor, try holding them
while you pee! God has definitely gifted
moms and given them the ability to overcome and laugh about it! We have that maneuver down! Even as I type this I hear myself saying, “
Just quit your whining, this is what you prayed for”. And yes it is! “What
a horrible person you are.” Yep, I have
gotten pretty good at self-mutilation too!
Okay rant over.
Now, this
behavior had gotten pretty overwhelming until we took a beach trip last month. I tried to pre-plan our trip based on what Lily
could and couldn’t do. I knew this trip
would look different. Part of me mourned
our old life, the ease of it, and the ability to just go and do what we wanted
without limitations. And as I sat in the
early morning on our first day there I prayed to the Lord, “help me accept
where I am, help me embrace the joy of the day and help me to not be bitter
about where I am at with all of this.”
Help me, help me, help me. That’s
when it hit me…It’s all about me. I’m
selfish.
I have
heard Hebrews 12:2 so many times before, but this morning, this time I was
seeing it with fresh eyes, and my heart was open. “let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and
perfecter of our faith…” My eyes were on
Jennifer, my circumstances, the failures and the hurdles of what we were
facing. My eyes were not on Jesus, they
have been on myself. I can’t fully say
right now I have that fixed. I am a work
in progress. He is chipping away at my
heart, my feelings, and my soul to make me more like Him. It’s a process, a daily one, that requires commitment
and perseverance on my part and refinement and pruning on His. But even more than that something else stuck
out to me about that verse…the author of our faith. He is the author of our faith. Or at least He is supposed to be. Yet I wasn’t letting Him write my story, Lily’s
story and our families’ story. I was
trying to write the story. I was trying
to be in control of the story. I was trying
to figure out the who, the what, the where, the when and the why’s. Some day’s I still am. I am trying to hand that over to Him. Some days I do and some I don’t, but the
first solution to a problem is acknowledging you got one! That’s called humility. And the second
solution is to pray for the Lord to tear those strongholds down…and when you do
guess what. He will answer that prayer
too so be ready. It hurts. It’s painful.
John 15:2 says, “He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit.” Pruning is painful and it leaves scars, but
when healing comes, the branches that are left spread a harvest. That’s a promise from the Lord. That’s a promise I am willing to take the
hurt over. Because ultimately I want Him
as the author of my faith, and I am learning it’s a choice I have to hand over
to Him.
I
underestimated my strength and ability to handle this journey. I am thankful my Father has picked me up
where I am, carried me through, wiped my tears, reminded me who I am and then
reminded me of what kind of mom I need to be.
On all those self-condemning nights, I am thankful for morning like
today, where He woke me early enough to see the pink sunrise, to remind me of
Lamentations 3:22-25, “His mercies are new each day!” I am thankful for the fruit of my first
strong willed daughter who I never thought I would get anything right with, has
shown me what she is made of, love and compassion. When her momma is spent and words are few she
prays, she picks up my slack and she has a sense about her to minister to
whoever needs it most. She loves like
Jesus, and still has a good spit0fire of protection for her sister about
her. She lets me know quick she will
fight for her and love her yet meets me where I am at. She has offered more grace lately than I deserve,
but she has also shown spiritual growth I am proud to witness.
We are
exhausted fighting a visa that was set to expire on July 2nd, her “gotcha”
day. By God’s grace and timing it has
been extended 6 more months. I am
exhausted fighting agencies that aren’t as proactive and advocating as much as I
would like for Lily. We are exhausted
with surgeries and therapy’s and attachment battles. However, once again as I was reminded tonight
by that same spunky 27 year old, who I pray my girls turn out just like…Christianity
isn’t meant to be glamorous, comfortable OR easy. And when God tells us to do something, WE
GO. Obedience isn’t easy. I am reminded tonight that I have a baby girl
who is perfectly and wonderfully made, and she has been brought to a land with
freedoms I hope one day she gets to call her own. But if not, He has a plan. He is the author of her faith, and until the
day her faith is rooted in Him, and she asks Him to be her Savior my job is not
completed. And even then it’s not
completed…because then is when it gets dirty…then is when it gets messy and
then is when it really get’s exciting!
He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the
day of Christ Jesus. Hallelujah Praise
Him!
Friend
I don’t know what you are facing. I don’t
know what battle you are fighting. I don’t
even know your name. But HE DOES. Lay it down.
Give Him the pen and let Him start writing your life. That’s where the true joy comes from. That’s where selfless love comes from. That’s where growth and maturity in Him comes
from. That’s when life get’s good, not
easy, but good!
Hebrews
12:2-3 has power in its words…Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and
perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross,
scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from
sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
