Cast
your burden on the Lord {releasing the weight of it} and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the {consistently} righteous to be moved (made to slip,
fall or fail). Psalm 55:22 (AMPC)
What
do you do when you when you have no answers…you reach out to those who plead
your case before the Lord when you do not have the strength. I opened the mail yesterday. I shouldn’t have. I should have waited. Full of anger, frustration, and exhaustion I
reached out to a few friends to pray.
One mighty prayer warrior gave me the scripture above and said hold
tight. We will hold your arms up for the
battle when you no longer can. It
matters who you know when you face uncertainty.
If I have learned anything from this long road of uncertainty it is
surround yourself with strong believers who will support you, who will go to
battle with you, and who will point you back to the One who conquers all.
About eight
months ago Lily had one of her “episodes.”
We are so good about sharing the good, the smiles, the awesomeness of
adoption, but we often don’t talk about the struggles these babies face on this
inside. I had a friend once say we
(meaning the adoption community) paint this picture of us (as an adopting
family) walking hand in hand, in a field of daisies, as the sun is setting with
smiling faces. It is a beautiful picture,
and sometimes it is all those things, but behind closed doors, it is full of
struggles and battles no one except those close to the battle know about. That night, we were in the middle of one of
those struggles. I don’t even remember
what it was over, but it had to do with Lily not being in control. Losing control of her situation has been the
hardest thing for her to overcome. Not
having control of her life, her legs, her situation has often been her mountain
to overcome. We were in for a long night. Those long nights of battling, refusing to
sleep, refusing to eat, refusing anything that would make her feel better, but
also make her lose control of the line she drew in the sand that night, were
exhausting. What followed next was her anger,
her loss of control of her behavior and attitude, and a complete
meltdown/breakdown. As I tucked her in
bed that night I was at a loss of what to do.
We had tried everything every book said to do, every therapist we have
ever visited said to do, advice from friends/family had said to do and nothing
worked. Not this night. So I began to pray. (yes I should have started with that) And as she plugged her ears so she wouldn’t
have to listen to my prayer, I continued to cry out to God for her, for me, for
us. I began to pray and plead with God,
why. Why does it look like this? Why does the battle have to be this hard? Why
does she have to struggle? And for the
love, why does she have to be so dang disobedient when all we are trying to do
is help her? That’s when the answer
came. I saw myself in my daughter that
night as I was praying to God for help, for healing and for a way out. I felt God gently telling me, you are just
like her. Disobedient, stubborn, controlling,
wanting your way. When my way is better
you chose yours because it’s more comfortable.
You can control the situation. You
chose the easier way out instead of the hard healing way out. I saw her struggles that night. I think I realized them, and since then I have
looked at them from a completely different point of view. God didn’t change her that night, He changed
me. And in changing me, she began
healing. We haven’t had one of those “episodes”
since. Not saying it won’t happen again,
because that baby has been through a lot, but she is on the path to healing. She has overcome so much. But since that night perspective
changed. For both of us. For all of us. She has come so far is such a short amount of
time. She has experience healing and
health. She is learning who Jesus is,
and she is learning just how much she is loved.
She is learning her story and how incredible it truly is. She is finding healthy independence. She is learning just because her legs might
not look and work like others that she still has purpose. She is learning she is so good at wheelchair
sports and a new world has opened up for her.
She is learning how to be determined and stubborn in a good way. She is learning how to fight fair. She is learning she can be a great athlete
just like her sister, who she adores. But
most of all she is learning she has a loving Father who has an incredible plan
for her life. One that involves
unconditional love, and healing, and hope.
She has come so far, and I am so proud.
We are far from walking that field of daisies, but we are closer now
than we have ever been.
Then I
opened the stupid mail. Immigration sucks. Our government sucks. How is it that I have two incredible kids who
are so much alike? They are both stubborn,
head strong, independent, and full of life and spunk. They have big dreams. They talk about their dreams. They talk life and future with one
another. Lily has already established
she will be moving out with her sissy when she goes to college. That one made us laugh, all except Anna
Lee. They love to live life to the
fullest, and sometimes I wonder if I am going to have the energy to keep
up. But one thing that separates them,
and one thing that has the potential to wreck ones dreams…CITIZENSHIP. One daughter has it, one does not. One was born into privilege and one into poverty. It is a miracle she even made it here. It will take a miracle keeping her here.
I am
often amazed at politics. I keep my
mouth shut on the subject because it often gets so heated and ridiculous. It
often times makes no sense to me either.
You have one party screaming about separating children at the border and
how inhumane that is, yet that same party believes in abortion. Talk about double standards and separation
from a parent. You have one party screaming
build the wall yet most of them go to church and say be a light for the
oppressed, the orphan and the widow. You
can’t scream one thing on Sunday and build the wall on Monday. I sat in Washington and had the privilege of
watching a law in process being passed.
4 congressmen showed up that day to hear. FOUR! I
passed quite a few (hundred-maybe exaggerating a bit but let’s just say lots)
in the halls going to lunch and just chit chatting the day away. You see when you have a wheel chair baby you
don’t get to go into the same doors everyone else does at the Capital
building. You get to see that back door
stuff. The underground tunnel where they
walk and play. And 4 of them showed up
that day for an education vote.
EDUCATION. FOUR. So I have a really hard time with people
making decisions for my daughter who know NOTHING about her situation. We scream about sexual abuse from a law maker,
yet we are willing to send a child who is helpless in her situation, back to a
country where sexual abuse is a very real possibility for her, in her
situation. Let’s just get real. We don’t care about people, we just care
about arguing points with actual people.
It still amazes me that most of the general population did not know
Franklin D Roosevelt was in a wheelchair.
The press respected his privacy so much that they waited for most
pictures to be taken until he was propped up and standing. They respected him. Regardless of which political side you fall
on, the man did some stuff. He got stuff
done. But his relationship with the
press impresses me because it is the total opposite of what you see today. No one can get anything done because no one
can have real conversations anymore. People
are losing their minds instead of fighting for what this country was founded
upon. Red tape and politics have taken
over, instead of just doing what’s right and helping people who are
hurting. Now hear me, I am not saying open
the boarders and let everyone in. There has
to be checks and balances. But it should not be this hard, this expensive, for
children who need medical care to get the care they need. For mom’s fleeing genocide with their children. For dad’s trying to find work to feed their
starving families. More people are
killed in Birmingham everyday by U.S. citizens than by illegal immigrants, and
no one seems to bother, or care, or want to build a wall around it. So in saying all that we need a better
process. Lily is lucky she has parents
who can fight this. Others don’t. That
is why we have illegals. Not because
they are trying to take our jobs (although some of us lazy people like the
welfare system more than the actual jobs) or want to do harm. They just don’t understand the long, full of
red tape, very long, long, long expensive process. And one that will cost you a million dollars
to an attorney who can figure it out for you, because for the love these two
educated white parents can’t. That is
not good government. That is laws passed
on top of laws, on top of more laws, then let’s throw the media on top of it
all to confuse it even more, and stir up more crap to make people more over the
top and lose their minds. So in saying
all that…
Lily
is on her way to being denied citizenship.
And if it wasn’t heart stopping enough for a momma to open the mail, I had
to open the letter that was BRIGHT PINK PAPER.
It’s like not only are we going to give you crappy news, we are going to
put it on a pink slip. For the sake of
all that matters come on…seriously pink paper? White paper is cheaper and less
intimidating. Now, my pastor always says
you have to go back, to remember where you came from and to see where you are
going. Go back and visit all those
spiritual markers God has done along the way to see how far you have come. After I had a good run, and a good cry alone
yesterday, I did just that. I went
back. To six trips I had to tell my girl
goodbye before she actually got to make the seventh, HOME. And that friend who gave me that scripture at
the beginning of this blog, yeah, she prayed me through immigration the night
she came home too. I remember her
texting me while I was still in Haiti. “You
text me the minute you are through immigration, I will not stop praying until
then,” she said. “I will be standing in
the gap praying until you do,” were her words to me. A re-routed very long flight later, and we
were rolling through immigration at 2:00 a.m.
She stayed up until we crossed that yellow line passing immigration into
freedom in the Atlanta Airport. God
worked a miracle and brought her home.
As we began our journey of nine surgeries to straighten and correct her
mangled legs, God was with us each step of the way. As we battled emotional roller coasters, God
was with us each step of the way. As our
marriage crumbled because of the stress and weight of all this, God was with us
each step of the way. As Anna Lee has
carried the weight of all this, God has been with her each step of the way. God is in the business of restoration. He uses broken people for His glory. He has brought about so much healing in this
family because of a little Haitian baby gir,l that has turned our lives upside
down for the better. She is everything
we never knew we needed and everything we ever wanted. She makes life fun. Not gonna lie. I have had a hard three years
coming to terms with that wheelchair and wheelchair life, but God worked that
out in me too. We are all at a good
place. A healing place. So that stupid pink piece of paper will not
steal my joy. I couldn’t sleep last
night, and when I woke up I told God please no.
I cannot do sleepless nights again over this. I have done too many. I have lost too much time to fear and
worry. I am not going back there. He said go write. And the words of my wise pastor rang in my head,
go back. Go back to all He, the great
Almighty has done. He has brought her
home, to her family. She is currently
sleeping in her sister’s bed with her, where she has slept since she came
home. Wrapped in each other’s arms. Every night.
With her lab mix guard dog asleep on the rug below them. She is home.
She is happy and she is right where she belongs. Lily I will fight this fight for you. We will fight this fight for you. I don’t
know where this will take us but it will be as a family. And we are not going anywhere God hasn’t
already been. I rest in that.
But as
for me, I trust in you. Psalm 55:23
**As I
opened my computer to write this morning Anna Lee’s paragraph assignment was
left open on my laptop. It was the
reminder I needed…I thought I should include her words too! It was written last week.
A Memorable Journey
Seven
years ago my family and I started an adoption process. We started the process a
year before little Lily was born. It was the longest, hardest, and most
stressful journey ever. Three years into the four year journey we finally got
the documents we needed. However, the Haitian lawyers had the wrong last name
on the documents. Once they fixed it Lily was able to come home about a year
later. When she came home on July 2, 2015, it wasn’t until March 2, 2017, that
we went to the court house full of prayers. That day, at the Bessemer Court
House, our little Lily was officially adopted. Finally, we thought we had made
it to the end of our journey, but we were definitely wrong. To this day we are
still fighting immigration because Lily is still not a United States citizen. Even
though we are still fighting these battles, we never give up because we know
that the Lord is with us through thick and thin.
