He
restores my soul…Psalm 23:3
I’ve
had this blog written in my heart for a while now. I just haven’t been able to put it on paper
yet. I’ve been too angry. Thankfully, my church has embarked on a
journey called 40 Days of Prayer. It’s
simple really. But it has been so
healing for my heart. It’s scripture
that I know. But for some reason God is
using it to melt this heart of stone. To
remind me who He is. To remind me that
He cares about EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL.
I few
weeks ago, maybe more, I received an envelope in the mail. One we were waiting on for quite some
time. I have received lots of envelopes
from immigration over the past 3 ½ years, so I know well the markings, the
paper colors, and the thickness of how many documents they are requiring this
time. I’ve somewhat learned the
extensive process and swallowed how ridiculously expensive citizenship in our
great country is. When I opened the
mailbox that Saturday my heart dropped.
I knew I held my daughter’s future in my hand. Not too long ago we were in Haiti to fight a battle
that seemed already lost. You would have
thought I would have learned that God has already fought this battle for me. He has it taken care of! He provided a miracle in Port au Prince back
in November. One I still can not believe I
got to live and witness. You would think
my fear would be gone, and I would be able to open this document without
worry. I am a slow learner. It took me a good fifteen minutes to open
it. I am thankful Lily has no idea the
fight that has gone on behind the scenes, on her behalf. One day she will know, but for now she is just
a six year old little girl who thinks she can conquer the world. As she watched her cartoons that Saturday morning, Brad, Anna Lee
and I opened our government's response for Lily’s future. Her green card had been approved. Tears, joy, excitement and relief! I held in my hand the very paper we had wished
for, prayed for, begged for, and dreamed of for 3 ½ years. I snapped a pic of the document and sent it to a few friends,
and our immigration attorney, to confirm what I thought the letter said. It was still a little confusing to read, but
in all I thought she was being granted her green card. They confirmed what I thought and man it was
a sigh of relief. For about a day.
How do
you respond when God answers a prayer but not in the way you thought He
would? I have learned, I have a good bit
of Israelite in me. When my prayer isn’t
answered in a neat little package with little or no growth required from me I grumble,
I complain, I stomp my feet, and I get angry.
I feel like I wander around in my own desert, in circles, until I give in
and say okay God your way. You see our
immigration attorney confirmed her green card.
BUT there was another step to her citizenship I guess I overlooked. Once you have been approved for a green card,
which only gave her legal residence in the US for 10 years (so until she is 16)
THEN you can file for permanent citizenship.
Guess what that meant? MORE
PAPERWORK. MORE MONEY. MORE WAITING.
MORE STEPS. I stomped, I cried, and I
got angry. I was not prepared to hand
over the $3100 needed for this “last” step.
I was still secretly mad we had to spend all we did in November for a
fight that really was unnecessary in my opinion. God was revealing things in my soul that
needed to go. I let Him know I was
angry. A LOT. I let Him know this was stupid. A LOT.
I have stomped around for the better part of well since we got that
letter until two weeks ago when I mailed that stupid check. This was not
how I planned this to go. Even in my
stomping and complaining, He was faithful to provide enough work for our bills AND this extra
immigration $$$ that we didn’t know was coming.
He was faithful to provide people to come along side and walk us through
this extremely difficult and confusing process.
He was faithful to provide godly friends that would point us back to Him
when the weight of all this seemed too much.
Instead of focusing on the miracles God had done, the walls He broke
down, the healing that has taken place in Lily and our family, I was focusing
on everything that caused me pain and grief.
Things that I couldn’t control.
Things that I wanted to hold onto that I didn’t need. He is a good Father like that. To add another step in this long painful yet
joyful process to continue to refine me.
To continue to build my hope and trust in Him. I could be still waiting on Him to bring Lily
home. I know families that are still
waiting on their children to come home from Haiti. I am thankful the Lord is letting us fight
this battle with her in her home. We are fighting with
her here, surround by love and learning what having a family is all about. She is healing and thriving. This journey has been painful for all of
us. But is has also been filled with joy
that I cannot explain. It has been
filled with miracles, mountain tops, and valleys. This little girl who has exploded our world
has continued to challenge what I know to be true. She has opened the gospel to us. She has taught us what it really means to
love like Jesus. It’s messy, it’s
unpredictable, it’s challenging, it often hurts, but it brokenly
beautiful.
The last
few weeks God has restored my soul by reminding me who He is. He is a good father that knows every need we
have. Through this 40 days of prayer He is pouring scripture into a weary soul that is being reminded just what kind of God we serve.
If you,
then, knows how to give good gifts to his children, how much more will your
Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him! Matthew 7:11
How precious
are your thoughts about ME, O God? They
cannot be numbered! I can’t even count
them; they outnumber the grains of sand!
Psalm 139:17
Even
when we are too weak to have any faith left, God remains faithful to us and
will help us. 2 Timothy 2:13
For I
am convinced that neither death not life, neither angels not demons, neither
the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor
anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God
that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
Do not
be anxious about anything, but in EVERYTHING by prayer and supplication present
your requests to God. And the peace of
God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in
Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
I no
longer call you servant, I call you friend.
John 15:15
We are
now waiting on the final say from immigration.
All the money has been paid, the forms filled out, and our life has once
again been submitted to the mercy of someone sitting at a desk reviewing our
family on paper. We are waiting to see
if they grant my daughter permanent residency here, with me, with her family,
in the second country she will call home.
She belongs here. God placed us
together for a reason. We make each
other better. We are stronger
together. We need her and she needs
us. And we all need God. He is still refining us, still growing us,
and still placing extra steps along the way to ensure that I know how good He
really is. I am thankful for His word
that speaks life into me, even when I am wandering in my desert. Friend, God doesn’t send trails because He is
angry. He sends them for you to truly
know who He is. One day Lily will look
back over all the struggle, all the surgeries, all the pain, all the issues of abandonment,
all the internal struggles she deals with from not being able to walk, and she
will see that she is fearfully and wonderfully made. She will see she has a family that will go to
battle for her and that she has a God who moved heaven and earth to give her
freedom. And He did not wait on us to
get “perfect” before He did. He used
broken messes of people, who screw up, who grumble, who are slow learners and
take a minute to get it together. He
uses us right where we are. He is right in the
middle of the mess making it beautiful.
We can
be sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something
good! Romans 8:28
He
restores my Soul.
Lord, I trust you with Lily. With this final step. With this refinement process. Make the broken beautiful. I think I am finally giving it up, and handing it back over to you. You do a much better job than me. You are a good, good Father, and I am so thankful you call me friend.
