“You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John 13:7 This is one of Bird’s favorite verses. And I am beginning to understand why. The last year has been one of learning and reflection. For everyone. Not everyone has come out the same, and I think we have seen humanity at its worst and at its best. One thing I have realized is we are extremely blessed. Blessed to live in one of the greatest countries, blessed to have the healthcare at our fingertips that we do, blessed to have so many provisions in place when our world shuts down, blessed to have the basic needs met, blessed to worship as we want or not at all if that’s your stance, blessed to have food in abundance, blessed to have a government that continues to hand out money (but ask any business owner and they will tell you behind the scenes those taxes be rising), and blessed by the freedoms we still get to express and experience in this country. As far as I know everyone came out of 2020 with enough toilet paper and no one that I know of had to resort to other measures to wipe their rear. I realize tragedy did take place. There are those still mourning death and destruction in so many ways. And we mourn with them. For us it has given us an opportunity to really take in how incredibly blessed we are and evaluate the future we want for our kids. I am going to let you into an adoptive momma’s heart. It is a scary place to be sometimes. I will say with the shut down and things slowing down there has been more free time at our fingertips. That is not always a good thing. I love social media for all the right reasons. Keeping up with family, sharing our highs and lows, sharing what we think is funny and relevant to the times, etc. But I hate social media for probably all the same reasons you do as well. And too much time on our hands seems to enhance all the negative. A while back I came across a whole group of grown adopted children who have formed these groups. They are angry they were adopted. They were angry they were not given a choice. They were just angry at their entire situation. And it wrecked me. It scared me. It made my mind go to a million places that I could not control. In that moment fear gripped me because my biggest fear was staring me in the face. What if Lily grows up and hates me? What if she grows up angry because she did not have a choice? There are other groups as well. Black kids being raised by white parents and vice versa. And the destruction that some of the families faced. I quickly learned if you want to find the bad in a situation all you have to do is find a group on facebook because they do exist. And for a minute I let all these things take up space in my mind and in my heart. I allowed it to question how I parent, how I responded, the decisions I was making for Lily. And guess what there are parenting groups that tell you everything you are doing wrong as well. Pretty much everyone has an opinion on every. Single. Thing. These days and their opinion is right. And for a minute I let fear step into my heart and thought my black daughter is going to grow up and hate her white momma because she was adopted and did not have a choice and….. Insert Jesus’ words, “You may not understand what I am doing now, but someday it will all make sense.” We go through periods of grief and emotion with Lily. They do not last nearly as long, and they are now becoming much farther apart than they were in the beginning. She has every reason in the world to be angry. Angry at her situation, angry at the fact she can not walk, angry at the fact she has a really hard time putting sock and shoes on, angry at the fact she has to lay down in the floor to play, angry at the fact she is not being raised by her biological parents, in a country that is so much a part of her heart but she isn’t. Spend five minutes with her and you will see the joy that flows out of her heart. Spend five minutes with her and you will see you are the one handicapped because this child of mine looks at life in a totally different way. She sees the beauty in just about everything. Now, she questions everything, but she still sees the beauty and the joy. You know why…JESUS. Last weekend she was FINALLY able to return to wheelchair basketball. To a sport that has been so good to her and for her. When she first started playing her orphanage mentality was hard to break. She drank all the water bottles on the sidelines. Like not just hers, the entire teams. She would not share the ball with her teammates because she has had to fight for everything in her little life up to that point and to give the ball away did not make sense to her. She did not listen much and was like wrangling a bull in a china shop. She was fun to watch but her coaches had their work cut out for them. Fast forward three years to this weekend. My girl played some AMAZING ball. Have you ever tried to sit in a chair and shoot basketball, now insert pushing a wheelchair, dribbling a ball, then passing/shooting? It takes mad skills and she finally has them. She is beginning to be a force to be reckoned with and she has all the room to grow! But one thing I noticed that was far more important than all the basketball accomplishments she has made. There was a new friend on the team, a smaller friend. And Lily helped her this weekend. She pushed her chair when she needed help (all while pushing her own). She protected her when the balls were flying, she gave up the ball to her to practice shooting, the same ball that she coveted so much that she would never share in the beginning. She laughed and talked with her on the sideline. My baby girl was not the same kid from three years ago. My baby girl was not the orphan fighting for her life, and everything she thought would be taken from her. She was confident and had a heart of compassion and empathy. And then she went on the court and shut some kids down on defense. She scored on a 10ft women’s goal for the first time, and the pass came to her from her coach. A strong black woman who has poured into Lily and helped make her who she is today. I sat back and realized God knows what He is doing. He knows what Lily needs and who she needs far more than I do. I can let fear of the unknown grip me, and others’ opinions and experience grip me. BUT they have not walked in our shoes. They have not rolled in lily’s life experiences. They have not overcome the obstacles she has. And one thing I know is Jesus can take the worst of the worst and replace it with joy, and healing, and hope, and laughter. Lily is surrounded by an army that loves her. She is surrounded by strong black women and men that can pour into her in ways that I cannot. She is being shown she can do ANYTHING despite her disability, and she is learning everyday just how much Jesus loves her. Jesus gave these words to his disciples the night He washed their feet. He knew he was going to the cross. He knew His time on earth was coming to and end. He knew what His beloved disciples were going to face. And He gave them these words. I have a feeling that they clung to these words often over the hardships and uncertainty they would face. That when something did not make sense, they would look back on these words they tucked into their hearts and realize they might not see the full picture. “You don’t understand what I am doing, but someday you will understand.” I have learned fear and faith can not reside together. They can not live in the same place. You either have one or the other. And at some point, one will trump the other. Jesus adds a promise to His words later in chapter 13 of John. Verse 17 tells us, “Now if you do these things, you will be blessed.” “These things” is basically summed up with compassion, servanthood, and obedience. I have no doubt Lily will be blessed in this life. Because in her heart she has learned what compassion looks like, she has learned what servanthood has looked like, she has learned what obedience looks like. Does she choose these things every day? No, but neither do I. We are in this learning phase together. But I do know she is blessed, and I am blessed because I have her. And we have a bond that is bound by Jesus, His love, and His compassion, and I know all too well that He works for the good of those who love Him. So, in that I will rest. I will rest knowing His plans for Lily are far greater than I can see or imagine. I will rest in knowing He is placing each person in her life for growth and opportunity. That He has put her exactly where He wants her, because I also know it is a miracle she is here, she is healthy, and that she is not only a citizen of this great country but of HEAVEN. And that is the greatest hope I could have for her. Lily belle, my fierce brave girl, you will change this world. For the better, for all those just like you that do not have a voice. You are too brave, to resilient, too bold, and you love Jesus too much not too. I am speaking this over your life today, kid. And you have the greatest example to look up to…not me, but your sister who gave me this verse.