But the Lord determines his steps!

In his heart a man plans his course,

but the Lord determines his steps. 

Proverbs 16:9

        It has been crazy around our home the last few weeks.  Not only is Christmas coming, so is our trip to Haiti.  To just be plain honest I have had so many emotions over the last few weeks it’s hard to describe them all.  However, if one emotion controlled us the most over the last few weeks, the one that has consumed us the most is fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of protection, fear of the “red coats” (will explain later) and I could give a list a mile long.  Every time we turn around Satan has thrown one more scenario, one more cautious email sent, one more something else to worry about.  Not only has fear taken over, we have been sick for the entire month of December.  Me and Brad.  We never get sick, and now we can’t seem to get well.  Haiti is not a country you want to travel to with a low immune system.  Trust me, I have read ALL the warnings, and once again there is that fear creeping back up.  Between all the antibiotics we are packing and our malaria meds it will be a miracle if we don’t pick up something else!  Now, Anna Lee is getting sick and I am faced with leaving a sick child, who normally does a tailspin due to asthma behind.  When the devil works…he does it in overtime.  And add all that to the stress of the holidays.  I keep going back to one of my favorite verses…Man plans, but it is the Lord that determines his steps.  This is not a trip we would have planned.  Not now, not after Christmas, not with the stress of sickness and holidays and leaving our baby one day after Christmas.  But, I praise my Savior in Heaven that He determines my steps.  Because he is removing every bit of control we have, he is bringing us to our weakest moments physically and spiritually, and I have walked with him long enough to know that when this happens, HE IS THE ONLY STRENGTH WE HAVE TO RELY ON…and when that happens life gets amazing!  I have prayed for two years of what it would finally be like to meet my daughter.  To hold her, to look into her big brown eyes and reassure her, that her life is changing.  Good things are happening for her future, and she has a Heavenly Father that loves her more than I that is preparing a place and a future for her.  And to be just plain raw and honest, I can’t get excited for the stupid fear, for the fear of all the unknowns, malaria and for the fear of leaving my most prized possession at home, that being Anna Lee.  I know I know she will be fine.  She is tough she will be fine…but will I?  It’s not like we are taking a trip to the beach and she is staying with the grandparents for the weekend…well we are taking a trip to the beach, but we will have an armed guard, and big walls surrounding us for safety, and malaria medicine (can you tell I am a little concerned about the malaria medicine) and then there is the “red coats” and don’t look lost, look like you know where you are going and what you are doing, and I could go on and on.  So in a sense we aren’t just leaving her for a couple of days for a nice vacation.  You see where my head has been the past few weeks.  Not on God, not on His saving Grace and Mercy, not in Psalm 91 or Psalm 40 or Deuteronomy 31:6 or Romans 8:28 or in any of the other 1000 plus promises He has given to me.  So here is where I take off my human pants of pity and fear and put back on my pants containing the armor of God. 

        I read a devotion this morning that put me in my place.  It talked about the wise men bringing their gifts to Jesus.  How they traveled so far, and not only did they travel thousands of miles that took them possibly years to get there they brought the best of what they had.  They brought the top of the line gifts.  They didn’t hold back.  They brought the most expensive, the sweetest smelling fragrances and the things that shined the brightest.  It took them a lot of time and a lot of treasure to make that journey and present these gifts.  It was an act of adoration.   Such giving ought to characterize our adoration too.  We praise God with our tongues, raise our hands to Him, and study His Word. But do we give him what is most costly to us? Do we take the things we have that are top of the line-our treasures that we value most highly-and offer them to Him?  Answering that is a challenge.  We have to know ourselves well.  Think of what you value most.  It may not be your time on Sunday mornings, or your 10 percent tithe.  Maybe it’s a relationship, a dream, an honor, or an allegiance.  Whatever it is, it’s your treasure.  Lay it as His feet and tell Him it’s His.  True love always involves deep sacrifice.  It certainly did for HIM.  It does for us as well.  (taken from the December Journey, Tuesday, Dec 24^th).

        As I found myself sitting in my usual spot, for my usual devotion the Lord was revealing to me…I did not trust Him with my most prized possession, I have not offered my most prized possession to Him with adoration and praise.  Anna Lee is a top the list of my most prized possession, along with my life, Brad’s life, our security, our comfort.  It’s comfortable here at home in Alabama.  I like my life, I like my comfort zones.  I like the idea of radically serving God, but when it comes time and it is scary then I want to back up.  God I will serve you and offer my life, but just don’t ask too much, just don’t ask me to be to unsecure, unknowing or just don’t ask me to do anything that requires too much sacrifice.  There is was all my most prized possessions right in front of me, and as I apologized for my selfishness and self pity and decided to quit wallering in fear, I realized I needed to hand back over to Him my most prized possessions.  I needed to give Him back my trust, and worship.  I needed to give Him my adoration and I needed to give Him my life.  It is Yours Lord, do with it what you will.  Obedience isn’t easy.  It’s costly, it’s not comfortable.  However, it is by far the most rewarding thing.  We leave in three days.  In three days I will hold my daughter.  In three days I will get to kiss the cheeks of many orphans and show them the love of a Heavenly Father.  In three days I get to walk in total dependence of a Father who was born the most humble births there ever was, and then died on a cross so that I have total eternal assurance.  In three days, I get to see the benefits of true obedience.  In three days we will get to have an experience that will be forever life changing.  In three days I get to see the plans my Heavenly Father has set out for us.  In three days for the first time in my life I have no control.  The things that scared me most are starting to seem very insignificant when I placed my eyes back to the One who has already overcome!  I have found my joy and my excitement again.  However, it’s not from a trip, or a meeting with a child that will soon be mine, it’s found in my Father.  It’s found in the only one I can place my hopes, dreams and trust.  My Lord and Savior!  Thank you Jesus for Christmas, Thank you Jesus for the Cross, Thank you Jesus for eternal salvation, and thank you for everything in between!  Merry Christmas!        

Man plans, but the Lord determines his steps.

In his heart a man plans his course,  
but the Lord determines his steps.

 Proverbs 16:9

          I have often wondered what it will be like to meet my daughter… in little over a month I will know.  I sit this morning in the same spot at my computer that I have many times before, where I have poured out my heart on paper.  Many of those times I have been in tears and frustration and broken hearted and other times in complete joy and awe at the Savior that chooses to be my friend and love me unconditionally despite my many many faults.  This morning I sit with tears of overwhelming joy and anticipation at the plans my Lord and Savior has orchestrated and brought about.  I sit in awe at His plan for me and my family.  I sit in awe at a God that loves me so much that He would work out even the little details of my life, just at the right time, just to show us how much He loves and cares for us.  Just to show us how His plans really are better than anything we could ever dream of or imagine.

          Two Saturday’s ago we had two craft shows planned to continue raising money to bring our sweet baby home.  Two Saturday’s ago I was very overwhelmed.  Two Saturday’s ago my family was pulled in so many different directions that I almost made a decision that could have altered a divine appointment…well many divine appointments God had planned for that day.  My dad and step-mom were going to work one show, and Brad and I were going to work the other.  I knew the sacrifice I was placing on my family for the day and it was almost too much.  Brad and I almost cancelled the show we had planned to work and almost missed out and what God was planning.  Something in my soul told me not to cancel.  Somehow we got through the set up of two shows and two Saturday’s ago my plans were altered and the Lord determined new steps for us. 

          AS we pulled up to begin the day we met a family that poured encouragement into our souls.  I met a mom and a dad who brought their third adopted child home from China.  She happens to share the same name as our little girl we plan to bring home.  She also shares a similar disability as our little one as well.  As I watched that child zip around in her blue wheelchair full of life, my soul was overwhelmed with what our life might look like one day.  Overwhelmed in an incredibly good way…this child lived, I mean really lived.  This family lived, I mean really lived.  Her father mentioned to me that they didn’t know what living really was until this sweet child came home to their family.  I could see it.  I could see it in their faces, I could see it in the way they looked at their children, I could see it in the way her dad helped her get her wheelchair out of the mud after she got stuck!  I could feel it in air around them.  They know how to live. This little one knows how to live!  Despite what some would call a disability, this child radiated with personality and charm.  She wasn’t slowed down at all!  And this family is now on a journey to bring a fourth child home, which will also be in a wheelchair!  As their mom wrapped her arms around me and held me with all the encouragement she had to offer me, I prayed our family would one day look like theirs.  I am thankful God knows what we need and at just the right time.  I am so thankful for people who pour their lives into others because two Saturday’s ago…I needed it.  And that was just the beginning of the day…

          Two very sweet ladies visited my booth later in the day…they shopped from us and then shared a story of a family member that lived in another state also adopting from Haiti.  We exchanged stories and it turned out their family member was also adopting out of the same orphanage we were.  In itself, this is a small miracle…you hardly hear of people adopting from Haiti much less someone from the same orphanage. By the end of the day I had received a picture of the family member who is adopting as well, holding the precious child we have been praying for for nearly a year.  She was holding her tight and kissing her cheek!  I thought back over all my prayers that I keep in a journal, and so many of those prayers were that someone will hold my child and she won’t be just laying in a crib.  That someone will be showing her love.  That someone would be extending grace and mercy to her and that she would be protected, until we could bring her home.  Here were those prayers being answered.  She was holding her, she loved on her and she was caring for her. 

          Long story short I got into contact with this family member.  What I thought would just be a conversation to share in the struggles and joys of adopting from Haiti turned into something so much more.  After we exchanged stories she shared she travels to Haiti quite often on mission projects and trips.  They actually had a mission trip coming up in late December.  She invited us to go.  WHAT…two Saturday’s ago I was so overwhelmed…two Saturday’s ago I was up to my eye balls in handmade signs and t-shirts.  Two Saturday’s ago we were trying to figure out how to make our next adoption payment.  Two Saturday’s ago we were faced with having to go through yet another holiday season without our baby home.  Two Saturday’s ago, the Lord turned my world upside down…in a good way.  We now have two plane tickets…destination Haiti…leaving in little over a month!

          This is a mission trip.  It’s not an adoption trip.  It’s not a bonding trip…per say.  My mom asked me an honest question that only a mother could.  She asked, “Do you really think this is a good idea for your heart.  What happens if you go on this trip and hold this baby and then the Haitian government decides you can’t adopt the little girl you have been in the process to adopt for two years now?”  Fair question…a mother protecting her child.  Brad and I honestly asked ourselves that before she had even asked.  The conclusion we came to is this.  Do you not pursue divine appointments just because you are afraid it’s not going to work out as you had planned?  Do you not fully trust God with your future, your heart and your emotions just because it might not work out like you had planned?  We very well might go and hold this little girl.  She might very well not come home to us.  It very well might be another child.  However, I have a Heavenly Father that already knows the outcome.  I have a Heavenly Father that already has written the pages of our life.  I have a Heavenly Father that holds my heart in the palm of His hand.   I trust His will completely.  I trust His plan, because as I am learning, He has this figured out far better than I do.  So in the meantime…I will get to go to Haiti and show the love of Christ.  I will get to serve an orphanage and love on children.  We will get to hold children that seem as if their world holds no hope and show them someone cares.  We will get to wipe snot and boogers, changes diapers and do whatever is needed.  I have so many times prayed for the nannies that care for all the children.  I pray that they will have patience and love for the children.  That they will have help and supplies.  That they will have abundant love to spread to each one of those precious faces.  I know the ratio of nannies to children is very slim.  For the days that we are there we will get to provide help and relief to them.  For those few days maybe we can be the answer to another adoptive mom’s prayers for her child…that they are held that they are loved and that they are played with and cared for.  Our world is about to change…Oh, how my Heavenly Father’s plans are far better than ours.  This journey is starting to make a lot more sense…He doesn’t require all my sacrifices…He just desires my obedience…He will handle all the other details Himself. 

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.  Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.  Know that the lord is God.  It is he who made us, and we are his, we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.  Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.  For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.  Psalm 100      

                  

    

My heart is set on a pilgrimage!

Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.  Psalm84:5

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere. Psalms 84:10.

Craft shows are exhausting…however, when I sit back and reflect on what the Lord allows me to see through them my soul is refreshed and encouraged, and I am allowed to witness God at work in so many different ways.  I will list a few…

The past few weeks I have seen my divorced parents, along with my step-parents work side by side in my basement for one common goal…to paint signs and put them together to sell to bring their grandchild home from Haiti.  I have seen healing taken place in a family because of an orphan.  I have sat at my kitchen table with both parents and step-parents and shared many meals over the last few weeks together and heard laughter and joy.  Only God can bring healing like that.  Only God can restore relationships like that.  Only God can mend hearts and turn discomfort and hurt into joy and rejoicing. 

Yesterday, at the craft show I met three breast cancer survivors.  I witness God’s healing power.  I witnessed His power in their lives.  I witnessed the love of a spouse as he walked side by side at a craft show with his wife and doted on her every word.  They shared with me how God gave them strength through some tough times, and then brought healing to them many times over.  I needed reminding that I have a healer who heals all disease. 

They tell us our little girl that we are pursuing will never walk.  If she doesn’t that is okay, however, I know a healer I witnessed Him yesterday.

I met a retired Army Veteran and Retired Bessemer Police officer…talk about serving our country…this man served and did it to the fullest!  Marriage is to be an example of the relationship between Christ and the church.  After spending a very short amount of time with this couple I could see the Love of Christ in their marriage.  The support between the two, the way she talked about him when he was away on tour, the way he looked at her.  I witnessed God’s love and mercy between these two.  And before they walked away, the wife looked at me with tears in her eyes and shared some very encouraging words to me about our pilgrimage…about our journey…and about our little girl.  I will forever be grateful for the encouragement this couple brought to my life in the short 15 minutes I knew them.  And then they bought the most expensive thing in my booth to support us.  I pray that bench brings them much Rest in HIM.  They deserve it!

Then, I witnessed the power of God in a sweet girl I met at our very first craft show.  I witnessed the determination He will give to His children!  The very first show I ever did almost two years ago, this cute as pie young lady walked in and with tears in her eyes shared with me she was leaving for Haiti the next week.  I prayed for her and followed her journey.  I needed her that week for encouragement and she needed me for the same as well.  God is a God of mystery and perfection.  How our paths ever crossed was totally in His hands. Ever since then, she has showed up at almost every craft show I have done, and continues to purchase something to get our baby home.  Talk about dedication.  This child of God doesn’t even know us really, but she cares enough and loves God enough to know when He is at work and support it.  She has been more encouragement to me than she will ever realize.  When I see her face every time it brings the comfort of a Father telling us to keep walking keep going, because He has this and He will bring this baby home!

And then on top of all that God gave us $500 worth of blessing toward our next $7200 payment.  One of the biggest craft shows we have had at just the right time.  I witnessed my God’s love and support and provision.

I would rather spend one day in His courts than a thousand elsewhere! 

Start Praising!

“Stop praying for it and start praising me for it.”  “True faith celebrates before the miracle happens, as if the miracle has already happened, because you know that you know that God is going to deliver on His promise.  God does miracles for one reason and one reason alone:  to spell HIS GLORY.  We just have to be the beneficiaries.”  Mark Batterson-excerpt from The Circle Maker

The first time my Heavenly Father spoke that Lily was mine I was standing in a youth worship service, praising God and singing with my voice that sounds like a choir of angels.  Those of you that know me well, know that to be true…not really.  However, I was enjoying good music and good worship.  I felt the Lord wanted to speak so I closed my eyes and began to worship inwardly.  Lily had been topic of conversation in our home for weeks at this point.  We did not know if this was the child the Lord had picked for us, so we had been praying for her, her circumstances and that a family would pick her and give her a forever home.  As I was worshiping that night the Lord stopped me and spoke as clear as I have ever heard him speak.  “Lily is your child.  She is coming home and She will walk.”  I remember asking the Lord, “I have been praying for weeks about this child…why are you telling me this now?  Why wait so long?  His response…”because this is the first time you have been still long enough to hear me.”  Lesson noted…start being still.  I knew if this was our child it would not only have to be my heart that was changed but Brad’s as well.  Instead of telling Brad what the Lord revealed to me, I kept it placed in my heart and began praying for Brad’s heart to be softened to this child.  I prayed that if she was ours the Lord would soften Brad’s heart to His will and the child He wanted Brad to father.  I prayed that the Lord would not only reveal it to me, but to him as well, and let him be the one to make the decision and lead our family.  Over the next couple of months the Lord worked in Brad’s heart, while he also shut my mouth, so I wouldn’t get in the way of God’s plan or timing, which in a sense is a small miracle.  Brad came to me one Monday morning and said he knew Lily was to be our child.  I would find out later that my Aunt, that very same morning had been prompted by the Lord to begin praying for Brad that very same day the decision was made.  This all took place between the months of November 2012-February 2013.  Fast forward over the months of April till July and we encountered many roadblocks…many doors that seemed to shut.  During one of these difficult months I remember being in “big” church one Sunday morning and again listening to worship music.  My heart was so heavy I couldn’t even sing.  All I could do is close my eyes, let the tears fall and lift my broken spirit up to heaven.  As the tears fell, the Lord spoke gently to me again…she is your child, she is coming home. 

        We have been “warned” many times that Haiti is an unstable country and adoption from Haiti is unstable.  We knew going in that this would be an incredibly long road.  Brad and I have looked at each other many times during the last 2 years and said is this where we really want to be?  If we changed countries we would have brought our child home by now.  If this, if that…and each time we know deep down God has us right where He wants us.  I think of Hebrews 11:13, “All these people were still living by faith when they died.  They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.”  Abraham received many promises from God, but he did not receive the inheritance in the land of the living…he only saw it from a distance and WELCOMED them.  I have thought many times over the last year and a half.  What if she doesn’t come home, what if we bring another child home…then I will set my attitude like that of my ancestor Abraham…we will welcome it too!  However, right now, right here, in this moment, TODAY I am remembering those two very sweet intimate moments with just me and God where He whispered into my soul, My Child, Lily is your child, She is coming home, and She will walk!  Now, whether that means she will walk one day on streets of gold, or in our front yard that is for the Lord to determine, but for right now for today I am holding onto God’s promise that she is coming home.  I am praising God right now, TODAY that she will be delivered to us.  I am praising God today, for the transformation that has taken place in our family in our lives because of a little girl that is in an orphanage in the middle of a tropical island whose brown eyes have stained our hearts forever.  There is a picture that hangs in our hall in the middle of all our family pictures.  It’s a little brown face with big brown eyes and a smile that melted our hearts a year ago.  Today I praise God for her.  I praise God that He never gave up on me, as I will not give up on her.  Today I choose to let God work His Miracle.

We have immigration approval!  Next Step…Dossier to Haiti and Haiti to agree with what the Lord has already told us…She is our child and she is coming home! Please don’t stop praying for us and for Lily.  Pray for God to continue working. Pray for miracles…