But the Lord determines his steps!

In his heart a man plans his course,

but the Lord determines his steps. 

Proverbs 16:9

        It has been crazy around our home the last few weeks.  Not only is Christmas coming, so is our trip to Haiti.  To just be plain honest I have had so many emotions over the last few weeks it’s hard to describe them all.  However, if one emotion controlled us the most over the last few weeks, the one that has consumed us the most is fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of protection, fear of the “red coats” (will explain later) and I could give a list a mile long.  Every time we turn around Satan has thrown one more scenario, one more cautious email sent, one more something else to worry about.  Not only has fear taken over, we have been sick for the entire month of December.  Me and Brad.  We never get sick, and now we can’t seem to get well.  Haiti is not a country you want to travel to with a low immune system.  Trust me, I have read ALL the warnings, and once again there is that fear creeping back up.  Between all the antibiotics we are packing and our malaria meds it will be a miracle if we don’t pick up something else!  Now, Anna Lee is getting sick and I am faced with leaving a sick child, who normally does a tailspin due to asthma behind.  When the devil works…he does it in overtime.  And add all that to the stress of the holidays.  I keep going back to one of my favorite verses…Man plans, but it is the Lord that determines his steps.  This is not a trip we would have planned.  Not now, not after Christmas, not with the stress of sickness and holidays and leaving our baby one day after Christmas.  But, I praise my Savior in Heaven that He determines my steps.  Because he is removing every bit of control we have, he is bringing us to our weakest moments physically and spiritually, and I have walked with him long enough to know that when this happens, HE IS THE ONLY STRENGTH WE HAVE TO RELY ON…and when that happens life gets amazing!  I have prayed for two years of what it would finally be like to meet my daughter.  To hold her, to look into her big brown eyes and reassure her, that her life is changing.  Good things are happening for her future, and she has a Heavenly Father that loves her more than I that is preparing a place and a future for her.  And to be just plain raw and honest, I can’t get excited for the stupid fear, for the fear of all the unknowns, malaria and for the fear of leaving my most prized possession at home, that being Anna Lee.  I know I know she will be fine.  She is tough she will be fine…but will I?  It’s not like we are taking a trip to the beach and she is staying with the grandparents for the weekend…well we are taking a trip to the beach, but we will have an armed guard, and big walls surrounding us for safety, and malaria medicine (can you tell I am a little concerned about the malaria medicine) and then there is the “red coats” and don’t look lost, look like you know where you are going and what you are doing, and I could go on and on.  So in a sense we aren’t just leaving her for a couple of days for a nice vacation.  You see where my head has been the past few weeks.  Not on God, not on His saving Grace and Mercy, not in Psalm 91 or Psalm 40 or Deuteronomy 31:6 or Romans 8:28 or in any of the other 1000 plus promises He has given to me.  So here is where I take off my human pants of pity and fear and put back on my pants containing the armor of God. 

        I read a devotion this morning that put me in my place.  It talked about the wise men bringing their gifts to Jesus.  How they traveled so far, and not only did they travel thousands of miles that took them possibly years to get there they brought the best of what they had.  They brought the top of the line gifts.  They didn’t hold back.  They brought the most expensive, the sweetest smelling fragrances and the things that shined the brightest.  It took them a lot of time and a lot of treasure to make that journey and present these gifts.  It was an act of adoration.   Such giving ought to characterize our adoration too.  We praise God with our tongues, raise our hands to Him, and study His Word. But do we give him what is most costly to us? Do we take the things we have that are top of the line-our treasures that we value most highly-and offer them to Him?  Answering that is a challenge.  We have to know ourselves well.  Think of what you value most.  It may not be your time on Sunday mornings, or your 10 percent tithe.  Maybe it’s a relationship, a dream, an honor, or an allegiance.  Whatever it is, it’s your treasure.  Lay it as His feet and tell Him it’s His.  True love always involves deep sacrifice.  It certainly did for HIM.  It does for us as well.  (taken from the December Journey, Tuesday, Dec 24^th).

        As I found myself sitting in my usual spot, for my usual devotion the Lord was revealing to me…I did not trust Him with my most prized possession, I have not offered my most prized possession to Him with adoration and praise.  Anna Lee is a top the list of my most prized possession, along with my life, Brad’s life, our security, our comfort.  It’s comfortable here at home in Alabama.  I like my life, I like my comfort zones.  I like the idea of radically serving God, but when it comes time and it is scary then I want to back up.  God I will serve you and offer my life, but just don’t ask too much, just don’t ask me to be to unsecure, unknowing or just don’t ask me to do anything that requires too much sacrifice.  There is was all my most prized possessions right in front of me, and as I apologized for my selfishness and self pity and decided to quit wallering in fear, I realized I needed to hand back over to Him my most prized possessions.  I needed to give Him back my trust, and worship.  I needed to give Him my adoration and I needed to give Him my life.  It is Yours Lord, do with it what you will.  Obedience isn’t easy.  It’s costly, it’s not comfortable.  However, it is by far the most rewarding thing.  We leave in three days.  In three days I will hold my daughter.  In three days I will get to kiss the cheeks of many orphans and show them the love of a Heavenly Father.  In three days I get to walk in total dependence of a Father who was born the most humble births there ever was, and then died on a cross so that I have total eternal assurance.  In three days, I get to see the benefits of true obedience.  In three days we will get to have an experience that will be forever life changing.  In three days I get to see the plans my Heavenly Father has set out for us.  In three days for the first time in my life I have no control.  The things that scared me most are starting to seem very insignificant when I placed my eyes back to the One who has already overcome!  I have found my joy and my excitement again.  However, it’s not from a trip, or a meeting with a child that will soon be mine, it’s found in my Father.  It’s found in the only one I can place my hopes, dreams and trust.  My Lord and Savior!  Thank you Jesus for Christmas, Thank you Jesus for the Cross, Thank you Jesus for eternal salvation, and thank you for everything in between!  Merry Christmas!