Those who know your name will trust in you!

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord have never forsaken those who seek you.  Psalm 9:10

Today has been a good day…yesterday, however, was emotional.  Before we started school Anna Lee was doing her daily devotional.  She asked to climb into my bed to read her Bible, so I let her.  This normally takes her about 10 minutes at the most.  A good bit of time had gone by, and I noticed she hadn’t come out of my room so I went to check on her.  I walked down the hall and realized the door to Lily’s room was open and the lamp was turned on.  I peeked in and Anna lee was kneeling at the foot of Lily’s bed…in prayer.  I kept walking and then lost it.  I got it together and decided I would be the big spiritual parent I should be and go in and pray with her.  Well, I did go in and sit beside her, but I just cried harder.  She never moved, she never broke posture…deep in prayer.  The power of the Holy Spirit in that moment was felt.  I realized she wasn’t going to be done, and that I wasn’t going to stop crying, so I left her there.  After about 15 more minutes she came into the kitchen announcing she was ready to do school.  She didn’t elaborate on what was done or what she prayed.  It was between her and the Lord.  Our relationship can handle no explanation and in that moment I knew my kid was leading me. 

        Last night as I tucked her in and before we prayed she said, “Mom, remember God has His right hand over our directions and His left hand over our hearts.”  I asked her where she heard that she said, “I do have a Bible, mom.”  I am still not exactly sure what scripture she pulled that from or which day in her Jesus Calling for Kids she got that out of, but in that moment I realized regardless of the decision made today we would be okay.  So many times this child of mine has led me.  So many times God allows her to change me.  So many times I have been led by her childlike faith. 

        I was talking with a friend last week and mentioned that I wish someone would have told me three years ago to let go and let God take control.  Instead of fretting and pouting and crying and asking why so long, why the wait, I would have opened my eyes and seen the gift of the family the Lord had given me and embraced it instead of focusing on how tough the journey has been.  I mentioned that I felt like I had wasted too much time with Anna lee.  Well, Anna Lee over heard the conversation.  I should have known she would have called me out.  When I got off the phone she pointed her finger at me and said we need to talk.  The last time this happened it caught me off guard…that topic is for a much lighter time! She hopped up on my kitchen table and with tears in her eyes and all the emotion she could gather she said, “Yes, the last three years has been tough, it’s been hard, and it’s been frustrating but we have done it as a family and we will finish it as a family.  And the last three years have not been wasted!  I don’t feel like that at all.  We will get through this.”  And she is right.  I stand corrected. 

        We did not get a “yes” from the visa appointment today, but we also did not get a “no”!  We need to provide them with more info, more documentation…then is looks very promising.  So, like my eight year old has done consistently for the last three years I will pray, ”Lord take care of Lily and the other kids at the orphanage today, and Jesus please bring her home.”  And then we will wait.  We are at complete peace that the Lord is fighting this battle.  We are at complete peace that His plans are far better than ours!  And as Psalm 9:10 says I will trust in the name I know.  MY LORD AND MY GOD.  I am praising my Savior today for coming as a baby so many years ago, then dying on a cross to save me from my sins, and for tearing the veil so that I can have direct access to Him.  My soul rest and rejoices in Him today!  How exciting this journey He has us on is.  How exciting that we get no glory we just get to participate.  It will be by His hands and His hands only if she comes home, and if she doesn’t how incredible is it that I know I have a Father who will not leave me or forsake me and will hold my tears in a golden bowl.  We rejoice either way!   

May the God of hope fill you with ALL joy and peace

May the God of hope fill you with ALL joy and peace AS YOU TRUST IN HIM, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

Romans 15:13

I have been filled with the joy of the Lord….and it came with trust.  On November 16^th, 2012 I prayed in my prayer journal in bright orange ink, “Lord, bring me to a place of complete trust in you.”   When I look back over these journals, I often times want to kick myself for praying some of the things I do, because I find that God DOES answer prayer.  But, not in the ways I often expect.  I prayed almost 2 years ago to the day, “Lord, bring me to a place of complete trust in you.”  I had no idea what that would in tell.  And why did I have to say complete trust…why couldn’t I just say trust.  I looked up the word complete and this is what the definition stated:    Complete-adj.-Having no part lacking; total; make whole; FINISH.  While, I am still a long way from that definition with my trust, God has started a trusting process in me that I will forever be grateful for.  Because through that prayer, that He is answering, He has set me free.  I feel like He has done more work in me, the last three weeks, than the three years prior, and it was mostly because of that line in the scripture above. AS YOU TRUST IN HIM…He makes a promise to us that as we trust in Him, we will experience joy and peace, and we will then, overflow with hope by the POWER of the HOLY SPIRIT.  Not by our power, but by HIS.  Through our weakness, HE remains strong.  I have experienced a joy and peace that is unexplainable…and I don’t want to move from this place. 

        One morning I got up, I cried, I read, I prayed, I cried again…this cycle continued for a while.  Then, Matthew 11:29 came to mind.  “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  My soul wanted rest…I wanted rest…I wanted joy and rejoicing.  So, like I had done many times before I gave this journey to HIM.  I handed it over.  I laid it at His feet, at the cross, at the same place I meet Him every morning I turned it over.  This time for good, at least I hope (I am still a work in progress).  And something happened after that….Philippians 4:7 happened… “And the peace of GOD, which transcends ALL understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  This was true peace…true rest.  He has taken by burden.  It doesn’t mean that the pain still doesn’t exist…it does, but He is carrying it for me.  It still doesn’t mean that worry doesn’t creep in, it does, but I have hope in HIM, not in circumstances.  I always say happiness is a choice, and it is.  Happiness is a feeling and you can choose to have it or not.  But I have learned something recently…true Joy, true Joy found in Him, goes beyond a feeling…it’s a state of being.  True joy trumps happiness, because often times, happiness comes as a feeling after something “good” happens.  True joy exists when nothing good can be found.  True joy exists, during pain.  True joy exists during the good times and the bad and it isn’t driven by circumstances.  True joy is found through HIM, AND THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TRUE JOY EXISTS.  In Him, my soul has found rest.  And in Him I have been set free.  And in Him I have experienced true joy, but it came from taking that step of placing my trust in Him, and that started with a prayer…over two years ago!

        On December 9^th, Lily has an appointment at the U.S. Department of State for a medical visa.  On December 9^th, if they approve this visa, she gets to come home to us, like right then!  On December 9^th, our world could change.  I keep hearing in my spirit the Lord telling me to prepare.  And in my typical A-type personality that would mean clean every square inch of my home, plug all the light switches, get all the necessary things in order, clean out closets…etc, etc, etc.  However, the only preparing I can find myself doing is pouring His word into my heart, my mind and my soul.  The only preparing I can find myself doing is spending time with Anna Lee, because this may very well be the last few weeks I have with her to myself, just her (and why for the life of me did I sit around sulking and pouting and not doing that earlier….why does it take so long for us to learn valuable lessons?).  All I can do is sit in the presence of the Lord and feel His sweet embrace, because in reality none of that other stuff matters.  There is a time and a place for “stuff” to be done, but the one thing I need most is the fruit of the spirit…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  Because in these fruits I can prepare for whatever is ahead.  And EL Roi, the God who sees, is the only one who knows what is ahead. 

        I have only shared the visa appointment news with family and a few close friends…because of the fear of them saying no, me being heartbroken and then having to let everyone know it could still be years before the adoption is complete.  However, God has been working in my heart.  I read Isaiah 42:8 this morning and it spoke to my heart.  It says, “I am the Lord; that is my name!  I will not give my glory to another or my praise to idols.”  He is the Lord and He is worthy.  He gets the glory and He gets the praise.  He has already worked miracles through this process…in my family, in my heart.  I didn’t want to share this news because if they said no, I didn’t want God to miss out on Praise He should have gotten with a yes, but He doesn't get if they say no.  Man, how wrong I so often am.  He gets praise IF they Say no, Or IF they say yes.  He gets my praise either way because HE IS THE LORD ANDTHAT IS HIS NAME.  My life is His, and if He chooses for this baby to come home this way, than I rejoice.  If He chooses for her not to come home this way, than I rejoice.  Because in the end, He is all that matters, He is what I want most and in His presence is where I find rest.  Don’t get me wrong…I want her to come home almost more than anything...but not more than I want Him.  I haven’t even let my heart really think beyond today, because it seems to over-whelming, the "what if’s she does" and the "what if’s she don’t."  He is teaching me to number my days.  To walk each day one day at a time in His step, and to fully depend on Him each moment of each day, and in that process, true freedom comes!  My life is not my own, and I have never felt freer.  Man, He is GOOD!  He answered my prayer from almost 2 years ago, written in that bright orange ink.  He has brought me to a place of complete trust in Him, and it could not be sweeter.  It has hurt, it has been tough, but it has been rewarding. 

        Please pray for us.  I don’t know what the future holds.  I know there is a little girl in Haiti that I love dearly, that needs medical attention.  If she comes home on a medical visa, she isn’t on our insurance, which means more trust in the Father who provides.  That is lots of medical bills we are facing, that is a little scary.  Pray for Anna Lee that God will prepare her heart for what is ahead…either direction.  As, I looked through her prayer journal the other day I found so many prayers poured out for her sister.  I often forget the toll it takes on her.  Pray for Brad, as the weight of sole provider constantly sits on his shoulders.  Pray for me the I continue to prepare to be whatever God has called me to be and that if a “no” comes that I stay in total and complete trust in Him. 

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.  Psalm 130:5

The Lord will fight for you...

The Lord will fight for you; you NEED ONLY to be still.  Exodus 14:14

        I haven’t written in many months.  It’s too painful.  It hurts and quite frankly I just don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want to answer the questions of, “when is she coming home”, “so where are you at now in the process,” or “why is it taking so long”.  The answers to all of the above…”I don’t know!”

So today, and tomorrow and the next day and from here on out this is what I will focus on…the things I do know.  The things God has reminded me of this morning, the things that He has been working on me over the last few months during my pity party I have been throwing for myself. 

NOW FAITH IS BEING SURE OF WHAT WE HOPE FOR AND CERTAIN OF WHAT WE DO NOT SEE.  HEBREWS 11:1

This is what I hope for:  I hope Lily comes home, I really do.  But I also hope that God draws me close, and I want for Him more than I want for Lily.  I hope He opens a door for us to serve that goes beyond adoption, because throughout this 3 going on 4 year journey I have realized there is much more to do than to just bring this sweet baby home.  I hope that through this Anna Lee experiences a God that not only answers prayers, but that she experiences a God that holds her hand and walks her through life even when it hurts and prayers aren’t answered in the way we want or expect.  I hope she learns to praise Him regardless of the circumstance and sees His goodness even when we don’t see the plan working in our favor.  I hope she learns as Elisha’s servant did in 2 Kings chapter 6 that God sends armies to fight for us even when we can’t see them.  I hope she comes out of this experience with a deeper rooted relationship with the Lord and then goes on to serve Him fearlessly.  I hope she finds a man to fight for her and her family the way Brad does for us.   And yes again, I hope Lily comes home and get’s to experience everything I want for Anna Lee.  I hope they get to be sisters and grow old together…and if not here than my hope turns to eternity….

Now shifting to the things I am certain of…I am certain of who God is.  He is my Lord, My King, My Father and My Friend.  I am certain He split the Red Sea, I am certain he spoke through a burning bush, I am certain he showed His glory to Moses and then allowed his face to be radiant (I hope my face too, is radiant because of the time I have spent with the Lord), I am certain He provided for Ruth and Naomi, and Esther.  I am certain He walked beside Hannah as she gave her miracle child Samuel back to the Lord.  I am certain He changed David’s life because of the raw, emotional Psalms that have spoken so often to me.  I am certain He gives wisdom to those who seek, because Solomon tells me so.  I am certain because of His great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning.  I am certain we are not consumed, because I am certain He sent His son, His beloved Son, who stands before the throne and pleads my case, the same Son that when the Father looks at me, He sees His blood covering me and see’s me righteous ONLY because of His Son's blood.  I am certain His Son died on a cross for me and for you to open the way to Him.  I can sit on my couch, each morning and pour out my soul to Him, because when He chose that cross and He gave up His spirit and He died, the curtain was split.  And through that split I am able to have a relationship with my God, My Savior, and My Friend.  So, this is what I am certain of.  My God is for me.  He fights for me.  He is El Roi, He is the God who sees.  He sees the end result, the end of the journey, the beginning the middle and the end, and only He knows at which point I am standing.   So I am certain of this…He will fight for me, I only need to be still.  This battle is His.  This battle is not mine, not my families, not our government, not their government but His.  He knows what’s best; He loves Lily far more than we ever could.  He loves each of those kids that I have come to love so much.  So this is not my battle…It’s His.  I am laying it down, I will be obedient…I will continue to walk for however long it takes, but my soul is being still.  If I have to be a mother from afar as Hannah was to Samuel I will, but one thing I won’t do is stop Praising my Father for what He has already done.  He died for me and that is enough.  Why do I need anything more? 

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion therefore I will WAIT for him.”  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

Lamentations 3:22-26