May
the God of hope fill you with ALL joy and peace AS YOU TRUST IN HIM, so that
you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans
15:13
I have
been filled with the joy of the Lord….and it came with trust. On November 16th, 2012 I prayed in
my prayer journal in bright orange ink, “Lord, bring me to a place of complete
trust in you.” When I look back over these
journals, I often times want to kick myself for praying some of the things I
do, because I find that God DOES answer prayer.
But, not in the ways I often expect.
I prayed almost 2 years ago to the day, “Lord, bring me to a place of complete
trust in you.” I had no idea what that
would in tell. And why did I have to say
complete trust…why couldn’t I just say trust.
I looked up the word complete and this is what the definition
stated: Complete-adj.-Having no part
lacking; total; make whole; FINISH.
While, I am still a long way from that definition with my trust, God has
started a trusting process in me that I will forever be grateful for. Because through that prayer, that He is
answering, He has set me free. I feel
like He has done more work in me, the last three weeks, than the three years
prior, and it was mostly because of that line in the scripture above. AS YOU
TRUST IN HIM…He makes a promise to us that as we trust in Him, we will experience
joy and peace, and we will then, overflow with hope by the POWER of the HOLY
SPIRIT. Not by our power, but by
HIS. Through our weakness, HE remains
strong. I have experienced a joy and
peace that is unexplainable…and I don’t want to move from this place.
One morning I got up, I cried, I read, I
prayed, I cried again…this cycle continued for a while. Then, Matthew 11:29 came to mind. “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for
I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” My soul wanted rest…I wanted rest…I wanted
joy and rejoicing. So, like I had done
many times before I gave this journey to HIM.
I handed it over. I laid it at
His feet, at the cross, at the same place I meet Him every morning I turned it
over. This time for good, at least I hope
(I am still a work in progress). And
something happened after that….Philippians 4:7 happened… “And the peace of GOD,
which transcends ALL understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in
Christ Jesus.” This was true peace…true
rest. He has taken by burden. It doesn’t mean that the pain still doesn’t
exist…it does, but He is carrying it for me.
It still doesn’t mean that worry doesn’t creep in, it does, but I have
hope in HIM, not in circumstances. I
always say happiness is a choice, and it is. Happiness is a feeling and you can choose to have it or not. But I have learned something recently…true
Joy, true Joy found in Him, goes beyond a feeling…it’s a state of being. True joy trumps happiness, because often
times, happiness comes as a feeling after something “good” happens. True joy exists when nothing good can be
found. True joy exists, during
pain. True joy exists during the good
times and the bad and it isn’t driven by circumstances. True joy is found through HIM, AND THAT IS
THE ONLY WAY TRUE JOY EXISTS. In Him, my
soul has found rest. And in Him I have
been set free. And in Him I have
experienced true joy, but it came from taking that step of placing my trust in
Him, and that started with a prayer…over two years ago!
On December 9th, Lily has an appointment
at the U.S. Department of State for a medical visa. On December 9th, if they approve
this visa, she gets to come home to us, like right then! On December 9th, our world could
change. I keep hearing in my spirit the
Lord telling me to prepare. And in my
typical A-type personality that would mean clean every square inch of my home,
plug all the light switches, get all the necessary things in order, clean out
closets…etc, etc, etc. However, the only
preparing I can find myself doing is pouring His word into my heart, my mind
and my soul. The only preparing I can
find myself doing is spending time with Anna Lee, because this may very well be
the last few weeks I have with her to myself, just her (and why for the life of
me did I sit around sulking and pouting and not doing that earlier….why does it
take so long for us to learn valuable lessons?). All I can do is sit in the presence of the
Lord and feel His sweet embrace, because in reality none of that other stuff
matters. There is a time and a place for
“stuff” to be done, but the one thing I need most is the fruit of the spirit…love,
joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and
self-control. Because in these fruits I
can prepare for whatever is ahead. And
EL Roi, the God who sees, is the only one who knows what is ahead.
I have only shared the visa appointment news
with family and a few close friends…because of the fear of them saying no, me
being heartbroken and then having to let everyone know it could still be years
before the adoption is complete.
However, God has been working in my heart. I read Isaiah 42:8 this morning and it spoke
to my heart. It says, “I am the Lord;
that is my name! I will not give my
glory to another or my praise to idols.”
He is the Lord and He is worthy.
He gets the glory and He gets the praise. He has already worked miracles through this
process…in my family, in my heart. I
didn’t want to share this news because if they said no, I didn’t want God to
miss out on Praise He should have gotten with a yes, but He doesn't get if they say no. Man, how wrong I so often am. He gets praise IF they Say no, Or IF they say
yes. He gets my praise either way
because HE IS THE LORD ANDTHAT IS HIS NAME.
My life is His, and if He chooses for this baby to come home this way,
than I rejoice. If He chooses for her
not to come home this way, than I rejoice.
Because in the end, He is all that matters, He is what I want most and
in His presence is where I find rest. Don’t
get me wrong…I want her to come home almost more than anything...but not more than I want Him. I haven’t even let my heart really think
beyond today, because it seems to over-whelming, the "what if’s she does" and the
"what if’s she don’t." He is teaching
me to number my days. To walk each day
one day at a time in His step, and to fully depend on Him each moment of each
day, and in that process, true freedom comes! My life
is not my own, and I have never felt freer.
Man, He is GOOD! He answered my
prayer from almost 2 years ago, written in that bright orange ink. He has brought me to a place of complete
trust in Him, and it could not be sweeter. It has hurt, it has been tough, but it has been rewarding.
Please pray for us. I don’t know what the future holds. I know there is a little girl in Haiti that I love dearly, that needs medical attention.
If she comes home on a medical visa, she isn’t on our insurance, which
means more trust in the Father who provides.
That is lots of medical bills we are facing, that is a little scary. Pray for Anna Lee that God will prepare her
heart for what is ahead…either direction.
As, I looked through her prayer journal the other day I found so many
prayers poured out for her sister. I
often forget the toll it takes on her.
Pray for Brad, as the weight of sole provider constantly sits on his
shoulders. Pray for me the I continue to
prepare to be whatever God has called me to be and that if a “no” comes that I
stay in total and complete trust in Him.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5
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