...and they will call him Immanuel...

The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel-which means, “GOD WITH US.” Matthew 1:23

        God with us.  I have been reading back over my prayer journals lately.  My life has changed so much since December of last year.  Sometimes, I need to sit and reflect and look back over just how much the Lord has done.  This Christmas is so much different than last Christmas.  I have two children instead of one.  I recently read Matthew 1:23 and it resonated deep in my heart.  After looking back through a few entries from last December, the promise Isaiah gave all those many years ago are still true today…Immanuel, GOD WITH US.

        December 8, 2014, this was the day before our very first visa appointment for a small possibility for Lily to come home to us.  It was exactly two years since our eyes met for the first time.  I had left her three times at this point.  My heart was broken each time, but each time GOD WAS WITH US.  The very next day our lives could be drastically changed one way or another.  I had friends and family praying, however, there were so many disappointments up to this point that I was scared to get my hopes up that my baby was coming home.  Here is what I prayed on that day…

Father, my Lord and my King help me to keep my focus on you.  Help my heart, my mind, my attitude and my soul to be focused on you.  God, help me to accept whatever decision comes and rejoice that you are the Lord who determines our steps.  God help me to be okay with whatever decision comes.  Lord, help me to be aware of your presence today, tomorrow and the next, and help it to grow and grow strong for you Father.  Help me Lord to know your will and to walk in it.  God I already feel defeated.  Father I feel like we have had so many doors closed in our face that this is just another.  God I don’t feel worthy enough for you and for you to do something good.  God we are nothing without you.  God help me to believe and to have hope.  God strengthen my soul.  God give me confidence to believe and to have hope.  God strengthen my soul.  God give me confidence to believe in your will and your plan.  Father, help me to stand firm.  God help me to be immoveable for you.  Father let this little one come home for you and for your glory.  God you are my one true King, you are my Prize.  Lord let me live as such.  Father settle my thoughts, settle my heart.  God in you let me rest.  God help me to sit before your throne and before your feet.  God let me be Mary instead of Martha.  God help me to grow more in sitting below your feet.  Father heal my spirit today.  Let us be strong in you God.  Let your will your way take over in my life.  Father strengthen me, Make me whole.  Make me who you want me to be.  Father give me grace and mercy and help me to give grace and mercy back.  God be with Lily today.  Lord, watch over her and God protect her mind, her body and her soul.  God her world is about to change.  Father show me what to do to prepare.  God don’t let her be scared.  Father let her embrace this new world, this new challenge.  God, let her feel your love and presence in her life.  Protect her mind and her heart.  God to you be the glory and honor for whatever happens.  Father if it is your will please bring Lily home.  And if it is your will Lord, let everyone know it is from you…Not from Man.  God may we accept whatever way comes, and may we trust in you Almighty.   Amen

The visa was denied…she was not coming home.  But GOD was WITH US.

My prayer December 10, 2014…

Father, I need guidance.  Lord, I need directions from you.  Please guide my feet, show me how to live in dependence of you.  God mold me.  Make me into the person you would have me to be.  God guard my choices, Lord let them be for you.  Father show me if I keep trying to fit things into my way or is it your way.  God show me your direction.  Father show me your path.  God lead my feet on level ground.  Get rid of the confusion Lord, show me your path.  Show me your way…

Parts of my prayer from December 11, 2014…

Father, I come to you this morning, I praise you my Lord and my King.  I am frustrated and confused, but I refuse to be bitter.  Lord, keep bitterness out of my heart.  Keep my eyes on you, on the cross.  Give me a thankful heart.  Let me seek your will your way.  Get rid of selfish ambition and set my feet on your path to Lily God.  God let me have joy, joy in you.  Father I don’t want to start questioning if she is coming home.  God show me she is coming home.  Let me live by Faith today.  Lord, I don’t even know how to fight this anymore.  Show me, teach me, and mold me.  God be with Lily today.  Father, protect her legs.  Let her have smiles and let her feel loved.  God help her to prepare for what’s a head.  God I don’t know how she is coming home but Father you do. God show me how to fight for her.  Father, show me your will your way.

December 14, 2014…I prayed a prayer I thought I would never pray…

Father, my Lord and my King you are my God, my Rock and in you I rest.  God I gave this battle to you, don’t allow me to pick it back up.  God let me be firm on your foundation, your rock, your salvation.  Let me rest in you, your promise and your plans. Father, help me seek your face and help me seek your will.  God let me not fret for things I cannot control.  God you are my help please do not delay.  God if there are things in our life that is holding Lily back God reveal them to us.  God show us what they are.  God change us where we need to be changed.  God let your peace and comfort come.  God I am about to pray a prayer I thought I could never pray.  Father, if Lily will never be a part of our family God please close every door you have open right now.  Please close them so tight man cannot open them. Father please shut them, tight.  Please let us heal and walk with you through the next step.  God everything in me wants to give up but something won’t let me.  God I don’t know how to do this anymore, I need your help.  Help me to see the bigger plan, your plans.  God if this was not your plan all along God please show us.  Make us stronger and more aware of your leading.  God, I thought I heard your voice so clear.  Was I wrong?  Did I miss it?  Father, help me to trust you and help me to seek your will, and your way.  God help us to prepare for whatever you have planned for us and for this family.  God you are our Lord and our King.  God thank you for the blessings of family, our family.  Thank you for the blessings of Christmas, Lord.  Thank you for the freedom we have in You.  I pray for strength and wisdom.  God, I pray for discernment, grace and mercy.  God if your will and your plan is for Lily to be a part of our family in whatever capacity you have planned, Lord, please keep the door opened.  God allow the paperwork to move and the process to keep going.  God I am not strong enough, but Father you are.  God show us what your plans are for Lily and for our family.  God help me to praise you and rejoice in you no matter what happens.  God help bitterness not to take place.  God help me to stand secure in you.  God open my eyes to your plans.  Align our hearts with yours Father and help us to bring glory to you.  It says in your word to believe and to ask and if you believe and ask it will be done.  Father help me to believe.  God, mold me and make me new for you.  Use me, recreate me for you Father.  Put a hymn of Praise on my lips for you God.  Father, I am not ready to quit asking you to bring Lily home.  Father, let me hand the battle back to you, back to my King, where it belongs.  Thank you for friends and family who use your word to encourage and don’t let us give up.  Father be with Lily today, God meet her needs.  Give her smiles.  Father, help her to know we love and care for her.  God help her to know how much she is wanted and how much we need her.  God protect her, love her, fight for her, and move mountains for her.  God strengthen me for her.  God, help me to seek your will above all else and above emotional feelings Lord.  Slow her progressing disease.  Undo the damage that has been done.  Lord, help her to know your love and comfort.  God show us what path to take next, let it be your will your way…

That Christmas we celebrated as a family of three…GOD WITH US.  It was the last Christmas we would celebrate as a family of three.

He will be called Immanuel, GOD WITH US.  Over the next six months God was with us in more powerful ways than I can get into words.  Looking back through my prayers I see where God was with us each step of the way.  Last December was not His timing for Lily to be home.  Three very important families for Lily’s story had not crossed our path yet, one family in Haiti, and two here in the states.  God had bigger plans in store for her journey than we could have ever imagined.  Her story is still being written by Him.  It’s still messy, it’s still unclear.  We have some very difficult days ahead of us, but one thing I know is Immanuel, GOD WITH US will be there every step of the way.   

Christmas paved the way for this miracle.  The miracle of the virgin birth, gave way to the cross, that gave way to the resurrection, that gave way for us to have eternal life in Him, Immanuel, GOD WITH US.

Last weekend we took the kids to a live nativity.  It showed real life events of Christ’s life from the angels’ announcements to the empty tomb.  As I held my promised child, she got a glimpse of THE PROMISED ONE.  She was enthralled by the angels and the nativity scene, but when we came to where Jesus carried our cross on His back, was beaten and bruised, and then hung on a cross, I could see the confusion on her face.  She asked why this happened to Him, in broken English.  And as she watched Him hang on a cross, I could only hold her and cry, because His hanging on a cross paved the way for Life in Him, my life in Him, and life for Lily with us.  Because of God with us, Lily is now with us.  A family of four, done His will and His way…to HIM BE ALL THE GLORY.

The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel-which means, “GOD WITH US.” Matthew 1:23

  

Those who hope in the Lord…

Today is orphan Sunday….today my baby has been home 18 weeks and three days.  Some days it feels I have had her a life time, and others I still can’t believe she is home.  I often smell her hair.  It has the same sweet smell that it did in the orphanage.  She is still the same baby I fell in love with over five trips, and she grows into something more beautiful each day.  Now, after saying all those sweet things, this has by far been the hardest, most soul emptying journey, we have ever embarked on.  If I questioned my parenting skills before, I really have now.  She is nothing we ever looked for, and everything we have come to need.  I thought Anna Lee was strong willed and determined…we have now met her match.  Not only has God given me two incredibly strong willed girls, they are both determined and both demand their own ways.  Some days I feel I do nothing right yet others, I feel the grace of a Father covering me, because I don’t have any other option.  I have learned so much, yet I still feel I have a lifetime of learning left.  Every day is new.  Some days I need a redo, a start over from the day before.  Those are the days I am thankful for Lamentations 3:22-23, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  I am thankful for grace and mercy because I need it most…along with forgiveness.  Some days I need Isaiah 43:18-19, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”  Some days I need to back up a few chapters in Isaiah 40:30-31, “Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.”  Those who hope in the Lord…that is where I try and stay.  Because I have found when I hope in Him, I am not disappointed. 

       

This process/journey has emptied me out at times, only for the Lord to fill me back up.  Often times He had to empty, cleanse, purge and rebuild.  It has been freeing to let go and live in the moment.  I am still trying to learn what that truly means, but having a baby girl who embraces life the way she does has been a great teacher.  I think the most exciting part of this entire journey has been to watch her bond with each person in our family, immediate and extended.  She and I had a mutual affection the first time we met.  That grew and has continued to grow.  I have enjoyed watching her personality become alive and grow larger each day, although I keep asking myself if it gets any bigger what will I do.  It was easy for me to fall in love with her and us to bond instantly.  It took a little longer for Brad and Anna Lee, but it has been beautiful watching from the outside looking in.  Anna Lee has handled this with grace and maturity.  She has shared her life and her family. She was the typical “spoilt only child” and she has now become a giving, loving sister.  We took them to Disney on Ice recently and a sweet man in a pink shirt bought Lily a light up wand…a very expensive light up wand.  We told both kids we were not buying light up, stuffed animals, crowns or anything that was perceived as a toy and cost too much.  (However, funnel cakes, popcorn and ice cream were totally different!)  This sweet man only saw Lily at the time and took the time to say hello to her.  Of course, she spoke with that smile that makes people melt in her hands, which she uses often!  He came back with that wand and her eyes lit up.  I was thankful but worried about Anna Lee who didn’t have one, and had taken a trip for the funnel cakes which we were prepared to buy!  She came back and asked where the wand came from. I explained the story and she was thankful for her sister and the smile that graced her face that came with the wand.  She didn’t complain, nor did she ask for one.  She grew up a little in that moment.  Me…I cried in that moment. 

There was a lot of emotion going on that week.  We had just taken a trip to a local high school’s first priority to spend some time with them and share our story.  They have blessed us with raising thousands of dollars to provide Miss Lily with a state of the art hot pink wheelchair that does just about anything she will ever need.  Not only did they provide that, they also provided the lift kit for our car and a stair lift for our home.  As I though over their gifts and the selfless gift of the man in the pink shirt I realized God meets all our needs, big and small, and He grows us in the process, just as He grew Anna Lee in that moment.  I saw that man in the pink shirt one more time that day and sent Brad over to thank him.  He didn’t want a thank you…but he said something to us…”Thank yall for taking care of her the rest of her life.”  There is a quote in the back of my Bible I wrote down one day when praying about the idea of bringing a handicap child home to our family (because at the time that was not the plan).  It says. “Think about how our lives will have to change if we bring her home, BUT think about her life not changing if we don’t.”  Thank you sweet man in the pink shirt for reminding me of that quote, that feeling, that reminder of how much her life has changed but more, how much we are changed.  And thank you Mountain Brook High School for meeting us where we are and helping make this transition easier.  And thank you Lord for growing Anna Lee in the process!  They fight like sisters, but at the end of the day Lily climbs in bed and then you hear it…Sissssssy…sleep with me.  And sissy does.  Anna Lee gives up the T.V. in her room and her comfortable bed, to climb in bed with her sister.  I often sneak in after they are asleep and Anna Lee is holding Lily the same way I used to hold her.  Those are the moments I relish most.

       

        My favorite though, has been watching Brad bond with her and she with him.  It has often made me think of how the lord is so patient and loving with us.  He had to earn her trust.  She would let him do most things for her, but she preferred me.  She would let him bathe her, but when it came time for bed she wanted him gone.  She would cry if she thought he was going to climb in bed with her.  It broke his heart.  He is definitely a “little girl” daddy.  He is kind, compassionate and loving…more than me most days.  And it literally broke his heart that she wouldn’t let him snuggle her and hold her to sleep.  About a month ago he finally gave in and laid at the foot of her bed until she cried herself to sleep.  He wanted her to know he wasn’t going to hurt her and she didn’t have to be scared.  This pattern repeated itself a couple more times and the cries became less.  Eventually she started inviting him to lie next to her until she was ready to close her eyes.  Then one night she asked him to sleep with her…all night.  He did and I cried.  She trusted.  She let her guard down and since that time their relationship has been different.  There was a shift that happened that night and it was deep.  It was love being born, and it was beautiful.  I have watched all three of us grieve over her physical condition.  It breaks us, but I have also watched all three of us being strengthened by this fierce little one who embraces life in ways we can’t.  I can’t simplify what adoption has done for us…especially since she isn’t adopted yet!  But I know how important it is not only for the orphan but for the family who gets to welcome them home.  It’s hard, it stinks, it’s dirty and it’s ugly, but it will morph into a beautiful story if you let the lord write the story.

        November is orphan awareness month…what will you do?  How can you help?  But more importantly are you an orphan?  We spend a great deal of time advocating for the least of these and they need it!  But, some of them are richer than we think…because often times, they have Jesus.  They experience Him in ways we can’t fathom.  I have never seen protection like I have in that orphanage.  I have never seen dependence like I have there.  They are orphans, without a Father and a Mother, but they have Jesus.  Do you have Him in your heart in your life?  Do you have a Father that you know, that you trust and that you hope in?  Have you been adopted into His family?  I have, and it’s been freeing.  I have a Good Good Father who knows my name…and I am loved by Him…let me introduce you to Him…. His name is Jesus.   

He who watches over you will not slumber

I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.  He will not let your foot slip-He who watches over you will not slumber…Psalm 121:1-3

      I have seen God’s glory, His mercy, His grace and so many other attributes of Him over the last 11 weeks.  I knew all this to be true about my God; however, I have seen it intensified over the last 11 weeks.  The last 11 weeks has forever transformed our family.   

     We took Anna Lee on a date last Sunday because we felt she needed some time with us just by herself.  And she did, but she also said something that day that pierced my heart.  Through casual conversation in the middle of rock climbing, we mentioned something to the effect of having a great family day…She said, without missing a beat, “How can you call it a family day when only three of us are here.”  Yes my little sarcastic sweetheart…only three of us our here…but that showed me she knew our family was now a family a four, and she was okay!  We were complete…we finally had all members of our family home, together.  It has not been easy but it has been filled with His mercies.  We have never laughed so much as we have over the past 11 weeks.  

      I can remember early in our journey getting asked these questions:  Why international, why not domestic?  Why Haiti? Why not have more children of your own?  People are bold!  I can remember one sweet older lady asking me about the country we were to adopt from early on in this process.  As I explained Haiti and why we felt lead she stopped me and said, “Now, you know this child will be black, right?”  Part of me wanted to raise my eyebrows, open my eyes wide and say, “OH NO!  Are you serious?  They did not tell me that!”  But I refrained, and I explained to her that God loves us ALL, no matter what outside appearance looks like.  Scripture says man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart!  I also refrained from telling her that Jesus wasn’t white either…but as we talked her heart softened and at the end of the conversation she wrote me a pretty substantial check to cover some of our adoption expenses.  That my friend’s is how God works!   

       Looking back over the last 11 weeks, I see His plan.  I see how Lily, from Haiti, was meant just for us.  I see the pain, the tears and the joy of the process unfolding.  I see her spirit challenges us to face things we never thought were possible.  I see how she was the missing link to our family.  There were times we were ready to give up, throw in the towel and walk away because this was uncomfortable.  It hurt and at times it just plain sucked!  However those were the times friends and family stepped in and carried the burden for us.  In one of my favorite books The Circle Maker, author Mark Batterson explains the power of prayer.  He challenges his readers to not just Pray Hard but to Pray Through.  Not to just Pray Away the circumstance but to Pray Through it.  He goes on to say, “Sometimes the purpose of prayer is to get us out of circumstances, but more often than not, the purpose of prayer is to get us through them.  I’m certainly not suggesting we shouldn’t pray deliverance prayers, but there are times we need to pray prevailing prayers.  We need to ask God to give us the grace to sustain, the strength to stand firm, and the willpower to keep on keeping on.”  He then adds, “We’re often so anxious to get out of difficult, painful, or challenging situations that we fail to grow through them.  We’re so fixated on getting out of them that we don’t get anything out of them.  We fail to learn the lessons God is try to teach us or cultivate the character God is trying to grow in us.  We’re so focused on God changing our circumstances that we never allow God to change us!”  You see, I have been praying for the lord to grow my trust in Him.  I love His scripture, I love my time in prayer with Him, but if I am really honest with myself, I don’t really trust Him.  I don’t trust Him with my children, my most prized possession.  You would think I would have learned my lesson by now.  Most people think Lily is home fully adopted…she is not.  She is here on a medical visa that runs out in ten months.  I don’t know what will happen in ten months.  The past 11 weeks have been amazing, but in the back of my mind I have had sleepless nights at the thought of having to take her back.  I have really struggled with this.  On Sunday my Pastor said a profound quick statement in small group that struck me.  He asked what it meant to live boldly for Jesus.  There were lots of answers…lots of correct good answers.  But for me in my heart at that moment living boldly for Jesus meant to do what my Pastor had previously stated.  When we become a child of the King we transfer our trust from ourselves to Him.  This was my struggle.  This trust issue has held me back from living boldly for Christ.  I give Him my trust only to take it back time and time again.  God pierced my heart in that one moment.  We went on to Big Church and he preached a new serious on Job.  Praising God regardless…regardless.  It was a powerful morning.  My soul had been set free.  I don’t know what will happen in ten months, but I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, The God of angel armies is always by my side, The One who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine, The God of angel armies is always by my side.  Psalm 27 has been a solid life saving scripture for me.  I stand on the promises of the ONE who holds our future.  Who holds Lily’s future.  For now, we are a family of four.  She is my daughter and I am her mother. 

       They often say the lord doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.  That is never truer in my life than it is right now.  When you are potty training a child that cannot stand, and you only have two arms to toilet paper the public restroom toilet, make sure she doesn’t touch it, get all clothing removed and everything that follows, I have realized the lord has given me extra arms, extra strength.  I often forget she has a handicap because she is so strong, so determined.  She has taught us to love life, embrace life and not to complain about the things we cannot change.  Not once have I seen self-pity in her.  The other day she came down the hall pushing a baby stroller twice her size with a baby in it.  She would push it with one hand, stop scoot, and push it again.  She made it all the way to the living room.  A little out of breath but she made her goal!  How often I would have given up.  My heart broke for her in that moment because in that moment I realized life might be tougher for her.  And I almost questioned God on why she couldn’t walk.  This morning I was reminded of the story in John 9 about the blind mind Jesus healed and I realized…she was made this way for His Glory.  She has a calling on her life.  It’s evident.  God has woven her story in ways man couldn’t.  God gave her freedom, gave her hope, gave her a future.  Her condition is for His glory.  She may never be healed this side of Heaven but something tells me she doesn’t really care, because something inside her is going to point others to Him in ways I can’t do on my two good legs.  She is a joy and a blessing.  Family, friends, thank you for intercessory prayer…thank you for appealing to God on Lily’s behalf for so many years.  My life is richer because of prayer and because of HIS will, HIS plans.  I still don’t have answers to all those questions everyone asked, except this…His will for our family was Lily.  Haiti just happened to be where she lived.  Little did we know we would fall in love with Haiti, with friends there, with the kids left behind.  His plan is still being revealed and today, today I transfer my trust to Him.  Today, my children are His.  Today, I trust in His continuing plans, His future for us.

Keep praying…her story still has a lot left to be determined….