Those who hope in the Lord…

Today is orphan Sunday….today my baby has been home 18 weeks and three days.  Some days it feels I have had her a life time, and others I still can’t believe she is home.  I often smell her hair.  It has the same sweet smell that it did in the orphanage.  She is still the same baby I fell in love with over five trips, and she grows into something more beautiful each day.  Now, after saying all those sweet things, this has by far been the hardest, most soul emptying journey, we have ever embarked on.  If I questioned my parenting skills before, I really have now.  She is nothing we ever looked for, and everything we have come to need.  I thought Anna Lee was strong willed and determined…we have now met her match.  Not only has God given me two incredibly strong willed girls, they are both determined and both demand their own ways.  Some days I feel I do nothing right yet others, I feel the grace of a Father covering me, because I don’t have any other option.  I have learned so much, yet I still feel I have a lifetime of learning left.  Every day is new.  Some days I need a redo, a start over from the day before.  Those are the days I am thankful for Lamentations 3:22-23, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  I am thankful for grace and mercy because I need it most…along with forgiveness.  Some days I need Isaiah 43:18-19, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”  Some days I need to back up a few chapters in Isaiah 40:30-31, “Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.”  Those who hope in the Lord…that is where I try and stay.  Because I have found when I hope in Him, I am not disappointed. 

       

This process/journey has emptied me out at times, only for the Lord to fill me back up.  Often times He had to empty, cleanse, purge and rebuild.  It has been freeing to let go and live in the moment.  I am still trying to learn what that truly means, but having a baby girl who embraces life the way she does has been a great teacher.  I think the most exciting part of this entire journey has been to watch her bond with each person in our family, immediate and extended.  She and I had a mutual affection the first time we met.  That grew and has continued to grow.  I have enjoyed watching her personality become alive and grow larger each day, although I keep asking myself if it gets any bigger what will I do.  It was easy for me to fall in love with her and us to bond instantly.  It took a little longer for Brad and Anna Lee, but it has been beautiful watching from the outside looking in.  Anna Lee has handled this with grace and maturity.  She has shared her life and her family. She was the typical “spoilt only child” and she has now become a giving, loving sister.  We took them to Disney on Ice recently and a sweet man in a pink shirt bought Lily a light up wand…a very expensive light up wand.  We told both kids we were not buying light up, stuffed animals, crowns or anything that was perceived as a toy and cost too much.  (However, funnel cakes, popcorn and ice cream were totally different!)  This sweet man only saw Lily at the time and took the time to say hello to her.  Of course, she spoke with that smile that makes people melt in her hands, which she uses often!  He came back with that wand and her eyes lit up.  I was thankful but worried about Anna Lee who didn’t have one, and had taken a trip for the funnel cakes which we were prepared to buy!  She came back and asked where the wand came from. I explained the story and she was thankful for her sister and the smile that graced her face that came with the wand.  She didn’t complain, nor did she ask for one.  She grew up a little in that moment.  Me…I cried in that moment. 

There was a lot of emotion going on that week.  We had just taken a trip to a local high school’s first priority to spend some time with them and share our story.  They have blessed us with raising thousands of dollars to provide Miss Lily with a state of the art hot pink wheelchair that does just about anything she will ever need.  Not only did they provide that, they also provided the lift kit for our car and a stair lift for our home.  As I though over their gifts and the selfless gift of the man in the pink shirt I realized God meets all our needs, big and small, and He grows us in the process, just as He grew Anna Lee in that moment.  I saw that man in the pink shirt one more time that day and sent Brad over to thank him.  He didn’t want a thank you…but he said something to us…”Thank yall for taking care of her the rest of her life.”  There is a quote in the back of my Bible I wrote down one day when praying about the idea of bringing a handicap child home to our family (because at the time that was not the plan).  It says. “Think about how our lives will have to change if we bring her home, BUT think about her life not changing if we don’t.”  Thank you sweet man in the pink shirt for reminding me of that quote, that feeling, that reminder of how much her life has changed but more, how much we are changed.  And thank you Mountain Brook High School for meeting us where we are and helping make this transition easier.  And thank you Lord for growing Anna Lee in the process!  They fight like sisters, but at the end of the day Lily climbs in bed and then you hear it…Sissssssy…sleep with me.  And sissy does.  Anna Lee gives up the T.V. in her room and her comfortable bed, to climb in bed with her sister.  I often sneak in after they are asleep and Anna Lee is holding Lily the same way I used to hold her.  Those are the moments I relish most.

       

        My favorite though, has been watching Brad bond with her and she with him.  It has often made me think of how the lord is so patient and loving with us.  He had to earn her trust.  She would let him do most things for her, but she preferred me.  She would let him bathe her, but when it came time for bed she wanted him gone.  She would cry if she thought he was going to climb in bed with her.  It broke his heart.  He is definitely a “little girl” daddy.  He is kind, compassionate and loving…more than me most days.  And it literally broke his heart that she wouldn’t let him snuggle her and hold her to sleep.  About a month ago he finally gave in and laid at the foot of her bed until she cried herself to sleep.  He wanted her to know he wasn’t going to hurt her and she didn’t have to be scared.  This pattern repeated itself a couple more times and the cries became less.  Eventually she started inviting him to lie next to her until she was ready to close her eyes.  Then one night she asked him to sleep with her…all night.  He did and I cried.  She trusted.  She let her guard down and since that time their relationship has been different.  There was a shift that happened that night and it was deep.  It was love being born, and it was beautiful.  I have watched all three of us grieve over her physical condition.  It breaks us, but I have also watched all three of us being strengthened by this fierce little one who embraces life in ways we can’t.  I can’t simplify what adoption has done for us…especially since she isn’t adopted yet!  But I know how important it is not only for the orphan but for the family who gets to welcome them home.  It’s hard, it stinks, it’s dirty and it’s ugly, but it will morph into a beautiful story if you let the lord write the story.

        November is orphan awareness month…what will you do?  How can you help?  But more importantly are you an orphan?  We spend a great deal of time advocating for the least of these and they need it!  But, some of them are richer than we think…because often times, they have Jesus.  They experience Him in ways we can’t fathom.  I have never seen protection like I have in that orphanage.  I have never seen dependence like I have there.  They are orphans, without a Father and a Mother, but they have Jesus.  Do you have Him in your heart in your life?  Do you have a Father that you know, that you trust and that you hope in?  Have you been adopted into His family?  I have, and it’s been freeing.  I have a Good Good Father who knows my name…and I am loved by Him…let me introduce you to Him…. His name is Jesus.