His Ways...Not mine.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

        This month marks the beginning of year number four we have been in the adoption process.  I have had to cling to the advice of a dear sweet friend many times during this journey.  Early on, in year number one we had some decisions to make, and we needed some direction.  It seemed like every door to Haiti, every door to Lily, man tried to close. Every time I was ready to walk away, this sweet friend reminded me to press on.  One day during a phone conversation she gave me the advice, “Jennifer, you don’t be the one to shut the door on this adoption, to shut the door on Lily.  If this is His will and His plan you let Him be the one to shut the door. Don’t you be the one to do it.”  I can’t tell you how many times since December I have prayed for God to just shut the door.  I can’t do it anymore.  I am tired, we are weary and it just doesn’t seem to be possible.  The country is too broken, the governments are buried with red tape, theirs and ours, and it seems like every time we take a few steps forward, we take ten more back.  I will be honest…I really thought the medical visa was going to be her chance at coming home.  I really thought a miracle was in the making, and God was going to be the champion and get all the glory for bringing her home.  When it did not happen, it was tough.  I was angry and bitter…for about two weeks.  Thank goodness I have friends I can be transparent with and say, “I am angry and bitter,” please pray for me…that is not the place to stay very long.  It eats at your soul, it steels your joy and it clouds your judgment.  It takes your eyes off the Lord and places them on yourself.  It allows you to have quite the pity parties, and I realized pretty quick that was not where I wanted to be, nor stay for very long.  I dove into scripture, and poured my heart out to God, I cried, I whined, I begged, I asked…guess what He did.  He listened.  He held my hand, he held my tears, and just as scripture tells us He carried my burden.  Two Wednesday’s ago I almost threw in the towel.  I got some news I thought was the last straw for me.  It turns out it wasn’t that bad, but in the moment it was bad.  Anna Lee knows me almost better than Brad.  She knows my faces and reactions and she knows what each of them mean.  She is discerning and wise beyond her years at times.  We were getting ready for Church and she knew I was frustrated.  She finally asked, "What’s wrong, what’s the problem, why are you upset?"  In a moment of weakness, I told her I was done.  I was ready to quite.  I couldn’t do it anymore.  I explained to her I felt it was unfair to drag her through the emotional journey as well as her having to deal with my emotions too.  Over the past few months we have been home from the last trip, I have seen what a joy it was for her but also what a heavy burden it has been for her too.  She got to hold her sister and have some incredible moments with her, but she also had to leave her too.  She has prayed just as much if not more for her.  She has dreamed, she has talked, she has plans for them.  This too has affected her.  That has been tougher than I bargained for.  I expected her to respond, but not with the response she did.  In her typical no nonsense way she said, “Mom today is Wednesday and tomorrow is Thursday.  Today stinks, but tomorrow we can do it over.  We don’t have to make the same mistakes tomorrow we made today.  Today is tough but tomorrow might not be.  We are not quitting.”  It made me think of Lamentations 3:22-23, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  On the way home from church that night she reminded me that this journey has brought her closer to the Lord, and our family closer together.  And she is right.  And then she reminded me again we weren’t quitting, just in case I had forgotten or hadn’t got it the first time around.  I hope that kid knows just how much I love her!  Now, let me tell you about Thursday!

Through a divine appointment my path crossed with a sweet sister in Christ, who lives a couple of states away, in early December.  I needed a translator and quick for an email that I thought would bring a break through moment.  Turns out our new relationship doesn’t have anything to do with that email I needed, but more than likely has everything to do with Bible stories that she will be translating for us to take to Haiti on our next trip.  Lots of little kiddos will get their very own copies of scriptures and stories in their own language! 

Unaware of my meltdown the day before, this sweet new friend felt compelled to share some scripture with me.  It was Exodus 14:14 “The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.  I looked the verse up in my Bible and my translation said to remain still, instead of calm.  I had just read Psalm 46:10 that morning as well.  “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.  God had given me two verses that morning.  To me that was instruction, I was going to pay attention to.  I wanted to know what the exact Hebrew meaning behind the words calm and still were, and I knew I needed someone smarter than me.  So I texted a very smart friend!  He said he would do some digging and get back to me…he did.  He explained they were not the same word, but from what he could tell they were almost identical in meaning.  Psalm 46:10 means to cease striving, to let go, to stop doing one thing in favor of another.  Not to oppose God or His sovereignty.  Exodus 14:14 means to do nothing, to remain at rest.  Put your trust in God without grudging or doubting. No sounding of the trumpet to battle and to make no more complaints. Both are powerful in meaning and application!  Point taken! 

I don’t know what the plans God has in store for Lily, or for us.  But I do know a few things.  His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts.  He is sovereign, He is good, and He is in control.  So now I rest, now I trust, and now I wait.  Three of the hardest things for me to do, but in my weakness He is made strong.  And I have an incredible eight year old that reminds me of that every day!

I don’t know what you are facing, but know there is a God who loves you and cares for you and will carry your burden if you let Him.  And in that rest is some of the sweetest joy and comfort you will ever experience. 

Our Pastor recently shared that God often times gives you the direction, and not the details.  We have often wondered in those moments of weakness did we pick the wrong country.  God gave us the direction of Haiti four years ago, however He did not give us all the details.  For that I am grateful.  I would have run.  But because our direction is Haiti, we have not only fallen in love with Lily, but with every little face in her orphanage.  Because our direction is Haiti, we get to partner in a small way with those who have been fighting for these children for a very long time.  Because our direction is Haiti, children got to go to school because of the donations of our friends this past summer.  Because our direction is Haiti my child has a love of a place and a people group that I can’t wait to see what God will use one day.  Because our direction is Haiti our family is stronger and loves more passionately.  God has opened our eyes to so many things because of Haiti.  I don’t know all the details but HE DOES. 

We will be returning soon along with some of our closest friends.  We would appreciate your prayers. We don’t know all the details but we know the direction!