The Lord is my strength and my song!

I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me.  The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Psalm 118:13-14

The last two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions.  Those that know me well know this.  They also know I haven’t handled it well.  I have some pretty awesome friends and family that just ride the coaster of emotions with us.  They just let us work through it with the Lord, gently remind us of His love, point us to scripture, plan family dates and provide us with distractions like home made slip n slides and dawn soap.  They have walked this almost four year journey with us each step of the way, and when we slipped they picked us up.  I have thought other parts of this journey were tough, but over the last two weeks I have realized all that has prepared me for now.  We thought we were coming home with Lily two weeks ago.  That did not happen.  We experienced so many emotions over a 72 hour period in Haiti that we were mentally and physically exhausted.  The last two weeks have been incredibly tough, but I have also seen the blessings the Lord has given us through them.  One of those came through the same friend mentioned in an earlier blog…who has never met us but still continues to encourage and fight our battle on her knees.  She sent me a message on social media that said this: “How is Lily?  My prayers for her have intensified again lately so I was wondering.  I ‘m still believing for this to come quickly and for her to come home immediately.  I’m praying now.  You’re not alone.  This isn’t a battle you have to fight alone.  We stand together.  Zac 2:5 says that The Lord will be a wall of fire about her and the glory within.  I feel very strongly that this is Lily’s promise right now.  The Lord is protecting her and comforting her at the same time.  And he will keep soaking Shalom to you.”

My response was this: “Thank you for your sweet words and scripture yesterday…Your prayers have increased because mine have decreased.  I just don’t have the strength left to fight this anymore.  You have entered this journey/battle with us at the most important time.  You have encouraged and strengthened me!  I am really struggling with waiting when we have gotten sooooo close!  I just wanted you to know I covet your words, scripture and prayer.  Much Love.

This was her reply back (and the most inspiring, bring me to my knees, I want to know scripture like her moment when I realized just how incredibly awesome God is.) : 

“I think it’s amazing how the Lord works through His body even when we haven’t officially “met”.  His Spirit connects us. I will continue to pray.  You know, when Paul talks about the armor of God in Ephesians, he had in his mind (and the Ephesians did too) a picture of the Roman soldier's armor.  That was their example back then.  When he talks about the “shield of faith”, he’s picturing a Roman shield.  They were amazing shields.  They stood almost as tall as the soldiers, and were made of animal hide.  They were curved in slightly, and had hooks on them so that the soldiers could literally click their shields together.  They left a little gap in between the connected shields so that they could put their sword (The Word for us) through that gap.  In this clicking of the shields, the soldiers became a literal moving wall.  Often times they would form ranks where the soldier in front had the wall of shields facing forward, the soldiers in the middle carried them above their heads so no one could attack them from above.  They literally became unstoppable moving wall.  And, whenever one of their own fell injured or weak in battle, his fellow soldiers would form a wall around him with their clicked shields so that he would be protected while he recovered or until he was moved to safety.  This is what we, as the body, do for each other.  We “click” our shields “together.” So, you’re safe.  You have many who have clicked their shields around you.  And Lily is safe in the protection of her Father.”

Again, as I type this I have chills thinking about the power of scripture, the power of prayer and the power of a Heavenly Father who knows far better than I.

You see I have spent the better part of two weeks…well 12 days…for 2 days I rejoiced and semi-had it together…but 12 days sulking and stomping my feet and shaking my fist at the Lord asking why bring us so close only to send us home empty handed.  In my I know better than you voice asking the lord don’t you know everyone is watching this journey.  They want to rejoice…they want to see her home.  They want to know you triumph and you win.  This attitude is not of the Lord, and He used these two weeks to show me what was really in my heart…and it wasn’t good and I didn’t like it and it was heavy and I was ready to be done with it.  My pastor has also been praying for me…he continued to pray on many occasions that we would just feel loved by the Lord and just have the weight lifted.  Little did I know how important that prayer of just feeling loved by the Lord was really going to be until this week.  You see the Lord has worked through many areas of our lives throughout this journey, trust, losing trust and regaining trust, hope, losing hope and regaining hope, faith, continued faith, losing faith, and regaining faith, and you get the picture, the cycle.  There is so much we have learned about ourselves, about our family, about our friends, but most importantly about our Lord.  And the sweetest thing about God came just this week.   And I had to go through these last 12 days to get there.

On Tuesday 6/23/15 this is what I wrote in my prayer journal…

Father, Lord, King, God help me to purify my heart.  Lord, help me to purify my soul.  Lord, help me to be focused heavenward and not earthly.  Lord, if Lily was never to come home would my emotions drive me this much? Lord, test my heart, my soul and my mind.  Lord see what offends you and get rid of it.  Lord, show me how.  Lord teach me to depend on you on your Spirit for direction.  Lord, show me what your love and affection can do for my trust.  Lord forgive my unbelief.  Forgive my selfish heart.  Lord, in you I rest and in you I set my feet on a Rock, the Rock that never moves.  God, search me mold me Lord, and make me yours.  Father in you today let me rejoice not because of what you can do for me, but because of who you are.  Lord, show me who you are just to my heart, just to my soul.  Lord help me to look to you for help God.  Help me to seek you.  Help me to read your scripture and then believe it Lord.  Help me to stand firm in the face of adversity and to continue to keep walking because my trust is in you.  Lord, Help me to trust and obey.  Lord mold us for this life you have already prepared in advance for us to do.  Lord today let me be kingdom minded.  Lord today let me walk in you.  Father in you I fully rest. 

I went on to pray for specific people in my family and friends who are going through life’s junk.  And as I finished one thing stuck out to me…Lord let me rejoice not because of what you can do for me, but because of who you are!  I realized in that moment I focus too much on what God can do for me instead of focusing on who HE IS.  So many times throughout this journey He has shown me who He is and for the last 12 days I have forgotten that.  I repented.  As soon as I closed my prayer journal and set my pencil down on top of it I heard an email come through.  It was the email we had been waiting for.  Lily’s visa was ready.  We can come pick her up. 

As I went about my day all I could think was how in the world did I waste these 12 days.  How did I shake my fist and stomp my feet and sulk and not just put my trust and my faith and my hope in the ONE I know.  I felt ashamed and repented again.  And as I was driving, that day I began asking the lord why in the world do you put up with me.  Why do you continue to tolerate my selfishness, and my controlling my world.  Why do you continue to pour out blessing on me when I least deserve them…His response to me…because I love you.  Then I gently heard His quiet voice…”Jennifer, let me love you.”  He loves me just as I am, and never more have I felt this than right now.  Nothing I can do can get me to Heaven, except my personal relationship with Him. I can’t earn it, I can’t be a good enough person…the only way is to put my trust in Him.  I was asked last night are you excited about going to get Lily.  And I answered a reserved yes, partly because my flesh is still asking is this time for real. But, my spirit shouts yes, however, I am more excited about this new experience with my Heavenly Father.  Because I can bring all the children into my home the Lord will let me have and the Joy and excitement will not be complete without Him. 

Some scripture came to my mind all day on Tuesday…Matthew 7:7-12  “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks received; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!  So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” 

God answered my prayer…He answered my prayer to show me His love, to let me feel it.  That is the sweetest thing He could have given me this week.  And on top of that He is bringing my daughter home…finally. 

On Monday we leave again headed to Haiti.  On Wednesday we return home…a family of four.  The detail of our future is yet to be worked out.  I don’t have all the answers, our journey has never made sense, but this I know…In my heart I plan, but it is The Lord that determines my steps.  And for that I am thankful, because if it was left up to me it would be a big ole mess!

Have you put your trust in the lord?  You too have a Father in Heaven that loves you and wants you to feel this love too.  All you have to do is ask…If you confess with your mouth,“ Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.  As the Scripture says, “Anyone who trust in Him will never be put to shame.”  Romans 10:9-11  

My Soul Rest in Him!

Praise the Lord.  Praise God in His sanctuary; praise Him in his mighty heavens.  Praise Him for his acts of power; praise Him for his surpassing greatness.  Praise Him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise Him with the harp and lyre, praise Him with tambourine and dancing, praise Him with the strings and flute, praise Him with the clash of cymbals, praise Him with the resounding cymbals.  Let everything that has breath Praise the Lord.  Praise the Lord.  Psalm150

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  Ecclesiastes 3:11

Blessed is the people whose God is the Lord.  Psalm 144:15

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!  Psalm 46:10

God is our refuge and strength.  Psalm 46:1-3

Yous, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor.  For everything in Heaven and earth is yours.  Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all.  

1 Chronicles 29:11

The Lord is with me like a mighty warrior, so my persecutors will stumble and not prevail.  They will fail and be thoroughly disgraced; their dishonor will never be forgotten.  Oh, Lord Almighty, You who examine the righteous and probe the heart and mind.  Let me see your vengeance upon them, for to you I have committed my cause.  Jeremiah 20:11

Forget the former things, do not dwell on the pass.  See I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it.  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.  Isaiah 43:18-19

“All is well with the Child?”  And she answered, “All is well.”” 2 Kings 4:26

So do not fear for I am with you, Do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 40:10

Even youths grown tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength!  They will sour on wings like eagles they will run and not grow weary, and they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:30

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.  2 Timothy 1:7

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.  Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.  In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat-for He grants sleep to those he loves.  Psalm 127:1-2

Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.  I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.  I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know they hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.  That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.  And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be the head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.  Ephesians 1:15-23

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

But now, this is what the Lord says-he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you , O Israel; “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; Isaiah 43:1-3

Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.  I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!” and to the south, “Do not hold them back.” Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth, everyone who is called by my name whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.  Isaiah 43:5-7

If we are faithless, he remains faithful-for he cannot deny himself.  2 Timothy 2:13

For the word of the Lord is upright, and all his work is done in faithfulness.  John 16:33

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

This is the day the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it.  Psalm 118:24

“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good.  At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” Galatians 6:9

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Romans 12:12

        These are all scriptures sent to me in the last 6 days from my family and friends.  These are all scriptures that declare who God is.  These are all scriptures that were needed at a certain point during this trip, but exactly what I needed to read again as I type these precious promises.  I am reminded to cast my cares on my almighty Father who holds me, who goes before me, who makes all things new and who fights my battles for me.  If I opened my heart to you from the last few days you would see the multitude of emotions I have encountered in a small 72 hour period.  It has felt as if all the emotions of the last couple of years during this journey have been wrapped right into 72 hours and put into my heart.  If it wasn’t for all the scripture that has come pouring into me the last few days I don’t think I would be okay.  God’s word is active.  It’s alive and pierces the heart.  It has mine.  Every scripture that I have dwelled on, poured over and written in prayer journals and plastered all over my home just happens to be every scripture that my friends have been prompted by the Lord to send to me this week.  His word is what’s kept me going and kept me sane!  Friends, I have many stories to tell about this journey but the most important story happened on a cross.  It’s the story of Jesus and without His story none of mine matter.  You see without Him none of this matters.  Without Him I don’t have the strength to keep going.  Without Him I cannot fight the battles of this world, nor do I want to.  If there is one thing I have learned this week it’s that without Him my life is dull, it’s meaningless and my goal is to bring Him glory.  He will get the glory when Lily comes home!  But, for now He gets the glory for our protection this week.  He gets the glory for memories made with friends.  For now He gets the glory for divine intervention and divine appointments that would not have happened without His provision.  He gets the glory for the strength He has given me to get on a plane again without my baby and still have joy!  He gets the glory for the awesome husband I have that continues to find adventure with me even when we think life stinks.  And He gets the glory for every statement of how our faith has stayed strong throughout this process.  Let me tell you friend… 2 Timothy 2:13 spoke loudly to me today.  If we are faithless, he remains faithful-For HE CAN NOT DENY HIMSELF.  There have been more times than not my faith has wavered.  It’s not my faith that has stayed strong.  It’s His faith in me that has.  It’s not my strength that has carried us through, it’s His.  And it’s certainly not any of my doing that has gotten us this far…It’s His.  He is certainly sovereign, and to Him and His will I submit.   

        (I wrote this Tuesday night.) Monday, through divine intervention God granted Lily a visa.  She isn’t coming home as I thought she would when we started this adoption process through adoption just yet.  But for now, for this time, this is how He chose to bring her home.  And in Him I trust.  I trust His timing, His placement, His will.  I trust He knows her future and He knows what’s best.  This journey hasn’t been normal from day one.  With each step He has taught me something more, something bigger and the one thing I am most grateful to be learning (notice I didn’t say learned) is to fully trust in Him.  We still have some hurdles to climb.  We leave on a plane at 3:30 tomorrow…I am supposed to pick her visa up at 8 am in the morning for her to be able to leave with us….now before I started typing this post my stomach was in knots…my stomach wanted to throw up and my emotions are shot at this point.  But as a gentle reminder from a sweet friend reminded me the Lord did not bring us this far to let us down.  And as I typed each scripture above I could feel the weight being carried away.   

        Today is Wednesday and I am sitting in an airport…without Lily.  Her visa is done but do to a system malfunction at all US Embassy’s her visa could not be printed today…and at the sake of owing Delta a small fortune, we decided to come home and go get her next week.  I have watched the Lord move mountains and work miracles for us that man could not do.  So in that I rest.  In that, I am forced to see the blessings, some of those being some of our closest friends who circled around us Sunday evening and prayed some very powerful prayers.  Not only did they pray, they got to rejoice with us Monday morning.  God picked some of the most special people in our life to rejoice with us in person, in Haiti, over life changing news.  Some of those being special friends He transplanted in Haiti to hang out and cook us dinner like friends in the states to take our minds off worry.  Some of those being I get one more week with Anna lee all to myself.  One of those being is I get to see how my husband carries me through this with his humor and nurturing nature.  He almost broke on me leaving the embassy this morning.  He doesn’t break often but when he does it wrecks me.  I looked at his defeated eyes and asked him to be strong, because in this moment if he broke I felt as if I couldn’t be put back together.  Somehow we looked at each other grabbed the strength of the Lord and realized we would have yet another adventure in Haiti together very soon…like again next week.  I realized our relationship has grown, its stronger than it’s ever been.  And all this is to prepare us for the changes that will be taking place in our life next week.  As excited as I am, I realize I am bringing home a little girl who is broken.  I realized that this week.  Her world is changing, her heart is grieving and her new normal is all messed up.  Beauty comes from Ashes.  Her life has been broken up till this point, and this week I realized mine has too.  But next week…next week two broken lives come together.  A family of four will be formed.  Not in the way I ever pictured, but only the way God can.  Today I am thankful for His never leaving me…never forsaking me…what a mighty God I serve.  Today, even in the questions, even in the hope I have a God that goes before me, I have a God that stands behind.   I have two special friends who have sent me the words to this song twice today…it is my heart song…my song to Him!

You call me out upon the waters…The great unknown where feet may fail…And there I find You in the mystery…In oceans deep…My Faith will Stand!  And I will call upon Your name…And keep my eyes above the waves…When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace…For I am Yours and You are mine.  Your Grace abounds in deepest waters…Your sovereign hand…Will be my guide…Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me…You’ve never failed and You won’t start now…So I will call upon Your name…And keep my eyes above the waves…When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace…For I am Yours and You are mine.  Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders…Let me walk upon the waters…Wherever You would call me…Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior!! Oh, Jesus, you’re my God! I will call upon Your name…Keep my eyes above the waves…My soul will rest in Your embrace…I am Yours and You are mine!

         

    

Pray Hard...Pray Through!

When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn’t do but on what God said he would do.” Romans 4:17-18

I have been waiting to write this post…this one post… for what feels like forever.  To be honest I am struggling to find the words that give God the most glory, because He deserves it all.  So, I am going to borrow the words from David.  Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.”  Psalm 103:1. “I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise will always be on my lips!" Psalm 34:1.  In the last three weeks God has done the impossible.  Papers that were non-existent appeared…people that needed to be aligned with our journey, jumped on board, papers were translated…lots of papers in like 24 hours, Friends who I didn’t even know fasted and prayed, and what I finally believe to be the thing that jump started it all was the work God did in my heart through a Baptist Committee Meeting with the story of the Woman and the Oil. (see previous post.)  God had to get me to a place in my life where I believed Him, where I believed what He said, and that I believed in His power, and that I truly let go of the control of my life, that I had been holding onto for so long.  He has been telling me the last few months to prepare, I have been, but I saved my heart for last.  I hadn’t prepared my heart…but I had a bold friend, who had never even seen my face, stand in the gap for me and remind me gently with scripture WHO HE WAS, AND THE POWER THAT HE HOLDs.  Thank you Sara for loving me, for challenging me, and for shoving me forward when my feet didn’t wanna go!  I am forever grateful to you!

Friends we have a visa appointment!  Let me repeat…WE HAVE A VISA APPOINTMENT!  It was originally scheduled for July 6^th.  We are leaving tomorrow.  Our trip and the appointment was a month away.  Yesterday I called in an army of praying friends. In a matter of 6 hours a vessel from the Lord had that appointment moved to MONDAY.  Like 5 days.  Like next week. Like this trip!  My translator friend and her students have been praying each day…again people that do not even know me. They are praying to our Father for Lily.  They have adopted her into their hearts. They have been praying specifically that the Lord already knew Lily’s appointment time and date… and asked that He would release it and reveal it to us. She told me all this in a text yesterday before I received the news of the appointment.  When I got the July 6^th date I quickly messaged her the update…Her exact words…”You’re getting your appointment for this week! We declare it!  This process has been completed already in Heaven.  It is NOW. No more delays."  Well…she was right.  God granted us an appointment this week!  When I messaged her back, so she could tell her students this was the reply I got back…”My students were in the lab and I ran to tell them!  They cheered and applauded…They have taken little Lily in their hearts.”  And in my soul sitting on my kitchen floor packing supplies for this trip, I felt their cheers, I heard their claps.  I saw their faces and rejoiced with them to the ONE, the ONLY ONE who could make this happen.  I have had quite a few friends hand me their empty jars this week to be filled with the oil from Heaven.  When I get on a plane in less than 24 hours, I get to hold my daughter…knowing that this might very well be the last time that I go, that I don’t have to say goodbye.  And guess how incredibly awesome and cool God is…I have 7 of my closest friends, who have held my arms up through this journey going with me to experience this!  I am in awe of my Creator, my Sustainer, my Healer, my Comforter, and my friend. He is extends Grace and Mercy when I haven’t deserved it, He never gave up on me, even when I gave up on Him,  He is the Great I AM.  He holds our future and my trust is in Him.  My heart is His. 

Father, I am an empty vessel, willing to do as you ask.  Go before us, but most of all let your name be glorified among the nations.  You are Salvation, the only Salvation to eternal life.  God draw others to You today…don’t let them be focused on stories, but focused on YOU!  God we bless YOU and PRAISE YOUR HOLY NAME!  Thank you for the provisions you have made for us. Thank you for walking along side us, thank you for friends that carry our weight and lift our hands to you when we have no strength.  God I pray you bless those that have carried me for so long.   God I ask that you continue to give us a heart that desires you, longs for you, and prepares for what work you have already prepared in advance for us to do.  Father I pray this in the ONLY name that Saves, Sweet Jesus.  AMEN!