The Lord is my strength and my song!

I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me.  The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Psalm 118:13-14

The last two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions.  Those that know me well know this.  They also know I haven’t handled it well.  I have some pretty awesome friends and family that just ride the coaster of emotions with us.  They just let us work through it with the Lord, gently remind us of His love, point us to scripture, plan family dates and provide us with distractions like home made slip n slides and dawn soap.  They have walked this almost four year journey with us each step of the way, and when we slipped they picked us up.  I have thought other parts of this journey were tough, but over the last two weeks I have realized all that has prepared me for now.  We thought we were coming home with Lily two weeks ago.  That did not happen.  We experienced so many emotions over a 72 hour period in Haiti that we were mentally and physically exhausted.  The last two weeks have been incredibly tough, but I have also seen the blessings the Lord has given us through them.  One of those came through the same friend mentioned in an earlier blog…who has never met us but still continues to encourage and fight our battle on her knees.  She sent me a message on social media that said this: “How is Lily?  My prayers for her have intensified again lately so I was wondering.  I ‘m still believing for this to come quickly and for her to come home immediately.  I’m praying now.  You’re not alone.  This isn’t a battle you have to fight alone.  We stand together.  Zac 2:5 says that The Lord will be a wall of fire about her and the glory within.  I feel very strongly that this is Lily’s promise right now.  The Lord is protecting her and comforting her at the same time.  And he will keep soaking Shalom to you.”

My response was this: “Thank you for your sweet words and scripture yesterday…Your prayers have increased because mine have decreased.  I just don’t have the strength left to fight this anymore.  You have entered this journey/battle with us at the most important time.  You have encouraged and strengthened me!  I am really struggling with waiting when we have gotten sooooo close!  I just wanted you to know I covet your words, scripture and prayer.  Much Love.

This was her reply back (and the most inspiring, bring me to my knees, I want to know scripture like her moment when I realized just how incredibly awesome God is.) : 

“I think it’s amazing how the Lord works through His body even when we haven’t officially “met”.  His Spirit connects us. I will continue to pray.  You know, when Paul talks about the armor of God in Ephesians, he had in his mind (and the Ephesians did too) a picture of the Roman soldier's armor.  That was their example back then.  When he talks about the “shield of faith”, he’s picturing a Roman shield.  They were amazing shields.  They stood almost as tall as the soldiers, and were made of animal hide.  They were curved in slightly, and had hooks on them so that the soldiers could literally click their shields together.  They left a little gap in between the connected shields so that they could put their sword (The Word for us) through that gap.  In this clicking of the shields, the soldiers became a literal moving wall.  Often times they would form ranks where the soldier in front had the wall of shields facing forward, the soldiers in the middle carried them above their heads so no one could attack them from above.  They literally became unstoppable moving wall.  And, whenever one of their own fell injured or weak in battle, his fellow soldiers would form a wall around him with their clicked shields so that he would be protected while he recovered or until he was moved to safety.  This is what we, as the body, do for each other.  We “click” our shields “together.” So, you’re safe.  You have many who have clicked their shields around you.  And Lily is safe in the protection of her Father.”

Again, as I type this I have chills thinking about the power of scripture, the power of prayer and the power of a Heavenly Father who knows far better than I.

You see I have spent the better part of two weeks…well 12 days…for 2 days I rejoiced and semi-had it together…but 12 days sulking and stomping my feet and shaking my fist at the Lord asking why bring us so close only to send us home empty handed.  In my I know better than you voice asking the lord don’t you know everyone is watching this journey.  They want to rejoice…they want to see her home.  They want to know you triumph and you win.  This attitude is not of the Lord, and He used these two weeks to show me what was really in my heart…and it wasn’t good and I didn’t like it and it was heavy and I was ready to be done with it.  My pastor has also been praying for me…he continued to pray on many occasions that we would just feel loved by the Lord and just have the weight lifted.  Little did I know how important that prayer of just feeling loved by the Lord was really going to be until this week.  You see the Lord has worked through many areas of our lives throughout this journey, trust, losing trust and regaining trust, hope, losing hope and regaining hope, faith, continued faith, losing faith, and regaining faith, and you get the picture, the cycle.  There is so much we have learned about ourselves, about our family, about our friends, but most importantly about our Lord.  And the sweetest thing about God came just this week.   And I had to go through these last 12 days to get there.

On Tuesday 6/23/15 this is what I wrote in my prayer journal…

Father, Lord, King, God help me to purify my heart.  Lord, help me to purify my soul.  Lord, help me to be focused heavenward and not earthly.  Lord, if Lily was never to come home would my emotions drive me this much? Lord, test my heart, my soul and my mind.  Lord see what offends you and get rid of it.  Lord, show me how.  Lord teach me to depend on you on your Spirit for direction.  Lord, show me what your love and affection can do for my trust.  Lord forgive my unbelief.  Forgive my selfish heart.  Lord, in you I rest and in you I set my feet on a Rock, the Rock that never moves.  God, search me mold me Lord, and make me yours.  Father in you today let me rejoice not because of what you can do for me, but because of who you are.  Lord, show me who you are just to my heart, just to my soul.  Lord help me to look to you for help God.  Help me to seek you.  Help me to read your scripture and then believe it Lord.  Help me to stand firm in the face of adversity and to continue to keep walking because my trust is in you.  Lord, Help me to trust and obey.  Lord mold us for this life you have already prepared in advance for us to do.  Lord today let me be kingdom minded.  Lord today let me walk in you.  Father in you I fully rest. 

I went on to pray for specific people in my family and friends who are going through life’s junk.  And as I finished one thing stuck out to me…Lord let me rejoice not because of what you can do for me, but because of who you are!  I realized in that moment I focus too much on what God can do for me instead of focusing on who HE IS.  So many times throughout this journey He has shown me who He is and for the last 12 days I have forgotten that.  I repented.  As soon as I closed my prayer journal and set my pencil down on top of it I heard an email come through.  It was the email we had been waiting for.  Lily’s visa was ready.  We can come pick her up. 

As I went about my day all I could think was how in the world did I waste these 12 days.  How did I shake my fist and stomp my feet and sulk and not just put my trust and my faith and my hope in the ONE I know.  I felt ashamed and repented again.  And as I was driving, that day I began asking the lord why in the world do you put up with me.  Why do you continue to tolerate my selfishness, and my controlling my world.  Why do you continue to pour out blessing on me when I least deserve them…His response to me…because I love you.  Then I gently heard His quiet voice…”Jennifer, let me love you.”  He loves me just as I am, and never more have I felt this than right now.  Nothing I can do can get me to Heaven, except my personal relationship with Him. I can’t earn it, I can’t be a good enough person…the only way is to put my trust in Him.  I was asked last night are you excited about going to get Lily.  And I answered a reserved yes, partly because my flesh is still asking is this time for real. But, my spirit shouts yes, however, I am more excited about this new experience with my Heavenly Father.  Because I can bring all the children into my home the Lord will let me have and the Joy and excitement will not be complete without Him. 

Some scripture came to my mind all day on Tuesday…Matthew 7:7-12  “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks received; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!  So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” 

God answered my prayer…He answered my prayer to show me His love, to let me feel it.  That is the sweetest thing He could have given me this week.  And on top of that He is bringing my daughter home…finally. 

On Monday we leave again headed to Haiti.  On Wednesday we return home…a family of four.  The detail of our future is yet to be worked out.  I don’t have all the answers, our journey has never made sense, but this I know…In my heart I plan, but it is The Lord that determines my steps.  And for that I am thankful, because if it was left up to me it would be a big ole mess!

Have you put your trust in the lord?  You too have a Father in Heaven that loves you and wants you to feel this love too.  All you have to do is ask…If you confess with your mouth,“ Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.  As the Scripture says, “Anyone who trust in Him will never be put to shame.”  Romans 10:9-11