Jesus Heals

        But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God.  You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus.  He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High.  The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will NEVER END.”  Luke 1:30-33

        This time three years ago I was planning to meet my baby girl.  We would soon be face to face.   I was scared to death of all the unknowns I was about to encounter.  I was afraid of a country I had yet to visit, and one I knew very little about.  I was scared to embrace the unknowns of a child whose condition wasn’t certain and neither was her future.   Even more, I was scared of the goodbye that would have to take place five days later. 

        I will never forget the first time she was placed in my arms.  I was heading up a pair of steps at her orphanage taking a tour of the place, and she was handed to me.  Right there on those steps, a flood of emotions.  There I was and finally there she was, face to face, in my arms.  She was tiny.  She had a blank stare on her face.  She was beautiful.  Five days were spent with her and her friends.  That trip changed my life.  On the plane ride home I made a list of everything I could remember about her.  I didn’t know when or if I would ever see her again. A sweet friend gave me some advice for the plane ride home, "Don't dwell on the goodbye, dwell on her and remember everything you can about her." So, I began to write.  I often look back over that list and one day that list will become hers.  So much of what I saw that day is still her.  I remember telling Brad that trip, “I will come back here only to pick her up and take her home AND that is it.”  I never wanted to make that trip again, unless she was coming home.  Many more trips later, friends have been made, this country has captivated my heart and my life is forever changed.  During one of those trips I can remember a distinct prayer I prayed to the Lord as she was sleeping on my chest.  I vowed to Him, "I will fight for this child for as long as it takes. AS LONG AS IT TAKES"  Little did I know how long...

        Fast forward three long years… well, years that seemed long, but now just seem like a short memory.  I learned so much in the waiting.  I learned how to pray, and pray fervently.  I learned how to persevere.  I learned how to not give up when things get tough and don’t go your way, but most importantly I learned that doing things God’s way is so much sweeter.  Even though plans change, even though times are tough, even though sometimes it doesn’t make sense, His way is best.  He teaches, He loves, and He shows how good He is even when circumstances might say otherwise.  He teaches how strong He is and how weak we are.  He shows how powerful He is, and how He is the Alpha and Omega…He sees the plan from beginning to end and only He knows which part of the plan we are at.  I’m so thankful for a Father that uses broken people for things that are way bigger than they are capable of handling.  Today, I’m so thankful for who He is because I am nothing without Him.  And without Him, I would not be Lily’s mom.

        I have written about this journey…the good, the bad and the ugly parts.  I have been honest…at times too honest.  But I wanted others to see the hardship of this and see how beautiful the Lord really is in all this.  The last eighteen months have been the toughest eighteen months of my life.  I often questioned the Lord…I think I’ve asked Him a billion times are you sure you got the right momma for her.  And every time He showed me what needed to be changed about myself to become the right momma for her.  I have a very special friend who happens to be a social worker.  We have walked through some tough stuff together.  She doesn’t have children yet, and often times I remember us saying throughout this journey (of many social workers) how can this person tell us what to do when they don’t have any kids… but not her.  I know her heart. I know how much she loves the Lord.  I know how much she loves me and my kid and how much she wants to see her healed.  Not just physical healing, but emotionally and spiritually.  Her heart for what she does amazes me.  So when she speaks I listen and I learn.  I have come to know wisdom is found in learning…not in knowing what you think you know.  She has challenged me in ways she will never know and she speaks truth to my heart when it’s needed.  She came at a time when Lily and I both needed her teaching.  And for that I am ever grateful.  The Lord knows who and when to position.  We are now coming out of a very difficult season, but new beginnings are blossoming.  Healing is and continues to take place.  Relationships are being deepened and trust has been established.  This little person has brought life to us.  Life we didn’t even know we needed. 

        We have four surgeries behind us.  And who knows how many more ahead.  I have learned to just rest in the present and not look to the future too much.  This little, fierce kid of mine has taught me so much.  We started this journey with intentions of bringing home a healthy little girl we would name Amyiah Nicole Dobson.  We now have a healthy fierce four year old named Schneily Dulcema who rides a pink wheelchair and goes by the nickname Lily.  I am having a hard time teaching her not to talk to strangers because her personality is so captivating and everywhere we go someone always ends up in conversation with her.  She is incredibly smart.  She is by far the most independent little thing I have ever met, and if you know Anna Lee you would question if that is possible.  She loves deeply and has a laugh that comes from her soul and you can’t help but to laugh with her.  She has music in her soul and bounces to any kind of beat she hears.  She asks a million questions a day, and she loves to sleep with her sister.  That bond between them has been the most satisfying thing to watch.  I’ll never forget the tears that fell from Anna lee the first time she had to leave her and tell her goodbye.  That day my heart shattered into a million pieces.  I stayed strong, but as I sat in a cold shower in Haiti tears fell for two kids who would remain separated for two more years.  This sister bond is serious stuff.  They fight but oh, how they protect one another…and form a fierce allegiance against us if needed.  Lily has been a part of an incredible school who has partnered with us.  They have been incredible.  The Lord prompted someone, to pay for her entire year...thousands of dollars...He has taken care of every little detail for this little one. For this, we are ever grateful to whoever helped us when we didn't know where tuition would come from.  When I pull up in car pool line, most often there is one of her classmates yelling from their car, “there’s Lily, there’s Lily.”  They love her too.  She doesn’t go anywhere that she doesn’t draw attention because that’s just how bold she is.  She prays and she knows Jesus made her extremely special.  She loves Christmas. Right after the tree went up she began asking every stranger she met, "Do you have a Christmas?"  Again, problems with the stranger stuff... She loves Christmas so much because she knows so much of it is about spending time with her family.  She loves her family and she loves the togetherness.  She especially loves having grandparents.  My dad is a retired grumpy police officer.  His job made him tough and calloused…and grumpy.  But Lily, Lily makes him laugh more than anything.  I’ll never forget walking through the airport at 1:30 am after a long 10 hours of traveling.  She was asleep in her stroller and the only welcoming committee we had was my mom, my dad and my step mom.  The only one we needed.  The tears that fell that early morning, especially from my dad is a special memory I will always have. She captivated his heart that day, pretty much like she has everyone else.  It’s been hard, this adoption thing, it has pretty much torn me down, but only for the Lord to build me back up in Him.  I’m still learning how to be Lily’s mom, but there is nothing else I would rather do.  My children have taught me more about Love and the Lord than anything else, and I am so thankful to be their mom.  They couldn’t be any more different, yet so much alike and for that I am thankful.

        I’m only Lily’s mom because Jesus came into the world as a baby, and then later died on the cross for my sins.  He tore the veil and made a way for my relationship with the Father.  He gave us eternal life.  He conquered hell and the grave and made way for life eternally.  He made way for intimacy with Him.  Though that intimacy lives were changed…forever.  Lily was given a family, a family that she thanks Jesus for every night.  We aren’t perfect, we are flawed but we are hers.  She was given a family, and we were given life through her, life abundantly, life that we didn’t know existed, life that teaches us true love and compassion.  Last Christmas was tough…not gonna lie.  We were still adjusting, learning and just plain not happy about what the Lord planned for us.  But this Christmas, this Christmas is full of Joy.  Because in Him we are complete, we have learned to love, and His Joy is not based on circumstances it’s based on Him.  He made our family complete.  In ways we didn’t even know we need.  I’m so thankful for baby Jesus, because baby Jesus grew up, He grew up the Son of the Most High.  The Lord God gave Him His throne and HIS KINGDOM WILL NEVER END.

Merry Christmas,

Brad, Jennifer, Anna Lee & Lily…a family complete                    

Praise the Lord, for He heals all your disease...

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.  Praise the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases….  Psalm 103:1-3

Lily has four bars that are inserted into her skin through her legs and into her bones.  Two in her upper leg and two below her knee.  She has three other incisions where her tendons were cut and work was done, in order for her legs to be manipulated, to be in a straight position.  We have begun the manual process of “turning” her contraption that has been placed on her leg, which will manually stretch her tendons and straighten her leg.  This is the second time, the second leg.  Her wounds have not yet closed from surgery, but as I continue to watch her heal the Lord is teaching me with each new scar.

I have learned something from watching the toughest kid I know…before healing comes, you have to endure the pain.

The second time around was easier.  We knew what was coming, we knew what to expect, but that does not mean the pain was any less.  It was still there.  It was and still is part of the healing process.  We just knew how to cope with it and how to fight it.  With each day that passes, Lily’s wounds get a little better.  The pain becomes a little less, and the hope of healing begins to take place.  In all of us. 

You see, as I have walked next to this new child of mine, she has taught me so much about how the Lord cares for His children.  She has taught me how perfect He is, and how imperfect I am.  She has taught me how His perfect plan is far better than anything I can make happen for myself, and if we will just be moldable and teachable He brings healing. I have learned through the last year, Lily’s physical wounds will heal.  Her scars will fade and her physical pain eventually decreases.  The only thing left as reminders are the scars.  But that is physical.

Lily also carries deep internal wounds.  Wounds left from abandonment, wounds from attachment, wounds from trusting the wrong people, and those are just to name a few.  Behind her big brave smile is a kid who has been abandoned, who was at times neglected, who has been hurt, and who has been inserted into a family, in another country, where she had no decision or choice in the matter.  On most days, she handles it pretty well, but on the days she does not, it is tough.  And it’s on those days the Lord is teaching me through pain comes healing.  The hardest part about all of this is learning to change.  We have learned, we have to change in order for her to be healed.  The Lord does the same work in us.  He allows pain in our lives to show us that there are parts that need to be healed.  There are parts that are broken and need to be fixed.

With each bandaged we have changed, and each nursery rhyme we have sung to get through the long nights of pain, and with each needle stick and each hospital stay our bond gets stronger.  But it still isn’t without the pain.  Little did I know how much all of this would bring to the surface the healing that Lily would in turn provide for us.

You see her pain has also brought to the surface areas of our life that needed to be healed.  Our marriage had cracks we did not even know existed.  Our parenting had cracks we did not even know existed.  The way we related to one another had areas that needed to be exposed and fixed.  There were parts of our hearts that were not good, that needed to be exposed through this process, in order for true healing to begin.  So much of the healing I thought we would provide for Lily has really been intended for us. 

We are surrounded by friends doing the hard work of fostering.  We have close friends that have also adopted, and adopted special needs.  We have been blessed to have a close friend, who happens to be a social worker, start a small group for all of us.  Every Wednesday we unload our life on her.  Every Wednesday I feel like she goes home shaking her head at what a mess we all are.  We joke and tell her we are all those families of what you are not supposed to do.  And every week she gently reminds us we are in this fight to heal our children with the Lord’s help.  It’s our job to focus on the whole healing process, healing their whole body…physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

Recently we focused on the story of the good Samaritan, and I had a light bulb moment.  Here is the shortened version of the story found in Luke 10:30-37.  A man was traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho when he was stripped, beaten, robbed and left for dead.  A priest passed by and walked to the other side of the road to avoid the man.  A Levite then did the same thing.  But then came a Samaritan.  He took pity on him.  He bandaged his wounds, he put him on his own donkey, took him to the inn, payed for his stay and then left a running tab with the owner of the inn to continue to care for him until he returned to pay the tab.  I’ll spare you all the why’s and why nots of the priest and Levites vs. the hated Samaritan, but what I will point out is the question that was asked of us that night.  Why do you think it was the Samaritan who sacrificed his time and his money and to be inconvenienced from his own journey to help this man?  Verse 37 sums it up…Jesus told us because he had mercy on him.  He had compassion.  TRUE compassion leads to action.  That was a light bulb moment for me.  Because if I’m honest, at that time of our journey with Lily I was becoming a little resentful…not necessarily at her but because of her.  Because I had to be uncomfortable for her needs to be met.  Our financial budget took a hit with visas, a still lingering adoption and now medical bills.  Our normal family of three that could pick up and go anywhere, at any time, has now been slowed down.  For a while there I needed to mourn what was.  We all did, Lily included.  But that night I realized I had lost a glimpse of the compassion that led me to her in the first place.  The Lord gently reminded me true compassion is costly.  To our time, to our money and it certainly inconveniences us.  But, if we let Him the Lord brings all that to the surface, opens the wound, and then allows it to heal.  And in healing comes the hope and beauty of what is still to come. 

We have had some rough moments together.  But we have also had some beautiful moments.  We have had some hard, honest conversations over the last year, but they have forced us to look inside and see who we really want to be.  I want to be full of compassion providing hope and healing to my little one that desperately needs to Jesus in her momma.   

Last week just the two of us were sitting on my front porch.  I asked Lily if she wanted to try and stand up.  And for the first time, both of her feet touched the ground at the same time.  A light bulb went off for her too.  She realized all this pain was worth having both feet on the ground.  I wished I would have had someone to capture the smile that swept her face.  It was a deep smile that came from her soul.  She buried her head in my chest and just held on tight for what seemed like forever.  She knew we fought this together.  She was no longer alone in this.  She had a family and she had two feet on the ground.  Healing was in sight and the pain was worth it.  Little did she know her momma felt it too.

Adoption isn’t often pretty, but it’s so worth it!  Because through the tough stuff comes Jesus.  He is always there with us in the valleys, on the mountain tops and everywhere in between.  He meets us where we are, loves us as we are, and gently brings healing through compassion.                             

   

The author and perfecter of our faith...

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…Hebrews 12:2

I have been holding on to this post for the better part of four months…no make it longer.  For fear of judgment, for fear of a lack of understanding, for the simple reason I felt as if I couldn’t write until I was out of this season…but I’m afraid this season is setting in…for a while.  I have written honestly throughout this entire journey, so why stop now.  I’m imperfect, my family is imperfect but I am so thankful I serve a Father who is perfect and loves me just as I am.

Hang with me…I’m going to be selfish, and I am gonna whine selfishly…for a moment.  I need to whine so you know where I have been, where I am and what the Lord is freeing me from.  Because in the end, His glory is all that matters.  I was reminded of that tonight, from a very feisty 27 year old, who is much wiser than me…I hope when I grow up I get to be more like her. 

I have come to the realization I have a special needs daughter.  I have come to the realization it is not going to be easy.  I have come to the realization I have to take her to the bathroom, every 15 minutes, followed by turning on her light, opening doors, getting her to and from point a to point b.  She can’t put her pants on by herself, she can’t reach much of nothing and there are lots of places that ARE NOT wheel chair accessible.  School may not even be an option because not too many people want the issues brought on by a handicap child.  Some days it would seem so easy to be able to put her down and say stand right here.  Grocery store shopping with a wheel chair and a buggy stinks, and she can’t fit in a buggy because if you get her in, her legs won’t get her back out.  I know it will get easier but right now, it’s not.  Some days I wish I could say, "can you just brush your teeth and put your clothes on and go downstairs and get in the car." It takes much longer to get anywhere and then you have to decide which chair to take and if they have a ramp or not.  Then sometimes you even plan your events around the bathrooms.  Next time you take your toddler to a public restroom by yourself and the changing table is on the outside of the bathroom stall, and you need to pee, and they can’t stand and their chair won’t fit in the stall, and the last thing you want to do is lay them in the floor, try holding them while you pee!  God has definitely gifted moms and given them the ability to overcome and laugh about it!  We have that maneuver down!  Even as I type this I hear myself saying, “ Just quit your whining, this is what you prayed for”.  And yes it is!   “What a horrible person you are.”  Yep, I have gotten pretty good at self-mutilation too!  Okay rant over.

Now, this behavior had gotten pretty overwhelming until we took a beach trip last month.  I tried to pre-plan our trip based on what Lily could and couldn’t do.  I knew this trip would look different.  Part of me mourned our old life, the ease of it, and the ability to just go and do what we wanted without limitations.  And as I sat in the early morning on our first day there I prayed to the Lord, “help me accept where I am, help me embrace the joy of the day and help me to not be bitter about where I am at with all of this.”  Help me, help me, help me.  That’s when it hit me…It’s all about me.  I’m selfish. 

I have heard Hebrews 12:2 so many times before, but this morning, this time I was seeing it with fresh eyes, and my heart was open.  “let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…”  My eyes were on Jennifer, my circumstances, the failures and the hurdles of what we were facing.  My eyes were not on Jesus, they have been on myself.  I can’t fully say right now I have that fixed.  I am a work in progress.  He is chipping away at my heart, my feelings, and my soul to make me more like Him.  It’s a process, a daily one, that requires commitment and perseverance on my part and refinement and pruning on His.  But even more than that something else stuck out to me about that verse…the author of our faith.  He is the author of our faith.  Or at least He is supposed to be.  Yet I wasn’t letting Him write my story, Lily’s story and our families’ story.  I was trying to write the story.  I was trying to be in control of the story.  I was trying to figure out the who, the what, the where, the when and the why’s.  Some day’s I still am.  I am trying to hand that over to Him.  Some days I do and some I don’t, but the first solution to a problem is acknowledging you got one!  That’s called humility. And the second solution is to pray for the Lord to tear those strongholds down…and when you do guess what.  He will answer that prayer too so be ready.  It hurts.  It’s painful.  John 15:2 says, “He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit.”  Pruning is painful and it leaves scars, but when healing comes, the branches that are left spread a harvest.  That’s a promise from the Lord.  That’s a promise I am willing to take the hurt over.  Because ultimately I want Him as the author of my faith, and I am learning it’s a choice I have to hand over to Him. 

I underestimated my strength and ability to handle this journey.  I am thankful my Father has picked me up where I am, carried me through, wiped my tears, reminded me who I am and then reminded me of what kind of mom I need to be.  On all those self-condemning nights, I am thankful for morning like today, where He woke me early enough to see the pink sunrise, to remind me of Lamentations 3:22-25, “His mercies are new each day!”  I am thankful for the fruit of my first strong willed daughter who I never thought I would get anything right with, has shown me what she is made of, love and compassion.  When her momma is spent and words are few she prays, she picks up my slack and she has a sense about her to minister to whoever needs it most.  She loves like Jesus, and still has a good spit0fire of protection for her sister about her.  She lets me know quick she will fight for her and love her yet meets me where I am at.  She has offered more grace lately than I deserve, but she has also shown spiritual growth I am proud to witness. 

We are exhausted fighting a visa that was set to expire on July 2^nd, her “gotcha” day.  By God’s grace and timing it has been extended 6 more months.  I am exhausted fighting agencies that aren’t as proactive and advocating as much as I would like for Lily.  We are exhausted with surgeries and therapy’s and attachment battles.  However, once again as I was reminded tonight by that same spunky 27 year old, who I pray my girls turn out just like…Christianity isn’t meant to be glamorous, comfortable OR easy.  And when God tells us to do something, WE GO.  Obedience isn’t easy.  I am reminded tonight that I have a baby girl who is perfectly and wonderfully made, and she has been brought to a land with freedoms I hope one day she gets to call her own.  But if not, He has a plan.  He is the author of her faith, and until the day her faith is rooted in Him, and she asks Him to be her Savior my job is not completed.  And even then it’s not completed…because then is when it gets dirty…then is when it gets messy and then is when it really get’s exciting!  He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  Hallelujah Praise Him!

Friend I don’t know what you are facing.  I don’t know what battle you are fighting.  I don’t even know your name.  But HE DOES.  Lay it down.  Give Him the pen and let Him start writing your life.  That’s where the true joy comes from.  That’s where selfless love comes from.  That’s where growth and maturity in Him comes from.  That’s when life get’s good, not easy, but good!

Hebrews 12:2-3 has power in its words…Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

Jesus…you have the pen…it’s your story, your glory….forgive me.        

Know that the Lord is God.

He has made everything beautiful in its time…Ecclesiastes 3:11a

Know that the Lord is God.  It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.  Psalm 100:3

For the past month I have watched pain, but I have also seen joy unspeakable.  I have watched a little girl teach us all what true joy really is.  How true joy can triumph circumstance.  I have learned happiness is from circumstance but true joy comes from the Lord, and comes from within. 

        Three and a half weeks ago Lily started a new journey, a journey to become like the rest of us.  To have legs that will hopefully one day look normal.  To have legs that will hopefully one day support her weight and allow her to walk.  To have a life that will one day be independently lived without having to rely on someone else.  She has begun that journey and she has done it by teaching her momma what it means to embrace true joy. 

        I knew she was tough.  I knew she was strong-willed.  I knew she was independent.  I knew she always finds a will and a way.  I just didn’t know how deep that ran.  I have often asked the Lord, why two of these kids…why did you give me two kids who are so much a like?  Why are they so strong willed, so determined, so bent on their way?  And why, oh why, did you give them to a strong-willed, determined bent on her way momma?  I am slowly learning, we all need these traits to survive this journey, and we are all learning to let go of these traits to become more moldable, more like Him.

        Lily’s surgery didn’t go quite as planned.  They could only do one leg this time, instead of two.  She had major work done to both, just not what we planned.  I have a close friend who was at the hospital with me that day who reminded me, this was His plan.  She told me, "Don’t get discouraged, His timing, His Plans."  To me, all I could think was longer recovery time, more surgeries, and longer she would have to be in the state she was in.  Looking back, my friend was right.  His plans are good.  His plans are right.  For whatever reason Lily’s journey hasn’t been the typical normal plan, nor has anything gone according to plan, so I’m not sure why I was so surprised.

        That afternoon she was wheeled into her room with me and her daddy by her side.  The last surgery she had was around 4-6 months of age and she did it alone with no momma or daddy.  This time, she was promised a family.  My main fear was what would she think when she woke up and saw the attachment on her leg for the first time.  Would she hate us?  Would she freak out?  Would she question what we have done to her?  When she came to she cried, I cried, and we just held each other.  We promised her we would do this as a family, and she just nodded and held onto me for the next four days.  That night was the worst night of this whole process.  Her pain got out of control.  Sometime between 10pm and 2 am she hit rock bottom.  She screamed at me to take it off.  She tried to herself.  She begged, she cried, she pleaded for the pain to be removed, for the ugliness to go away.  I asked her, "Baby, do you want your legs fixed?”  To which she answered, “No! Take it off!”  Then I asked, “Do you want your legs to be straight?”   To which she answered, “No! Take it off!” Then I asked, “Do you want to be able to possibly walk one day?” She cried and she shook her head yes. And then I heard her whisper, “Yes momma!”  And then she broke.  She cried a broken cry.  She mourned what was and the uncertainty of the future.  Brad and I both told her we would fight with her.  She screamed quite a bit that night.  I asked her a few times if she was angry to which she answered yes.  She screamed from the bottom of her belly to get the anger out and we just let her.  She cried, we cried.  At one point I know Brad and I looked at each other and without saying a word thought what have we done to her?  That night was miserable, and it was ugly, but it was the beginning of something beautiful.

        The next day a very close friend came into the room early that morning to check on us.  She came with words from the Lord.  She took one look at me, at us and knew it wasn’t good.  She looked at me in the face and the first words out of her mouth that morning were, “You did not make a mistake.”  I lost it in her arms.  She was sent from my Father to remind us to keep going.  Because at that moment I was done, we were done, exhausted with nothing left.  My cousin, who also worked at the hospital, followed her with the same words of affirmation and put a sign on the door, “no visitors.”  They finally dosed Lily up on some pretty good pain meds.  I climbed back into bed with her, laid across her chest, which was the only place she wanted me, and we slept, for most of the day.  She woke up each time with her momma and daddy and knew she was loved, she was cared for, and she wasn’t alone…not anymore.  And when it got too rough she would beg, prayers momma prayers.  She knew that when we couldn’t meet her needs there is One who is greater WHO CAN!

        The next day I watched my husband fill the roles I couldn’t.  I was scared to touch her, to move her.  She was in pain and her legs were so broken and it seemed everywhere we needed to touch her had been cut on in some form.  It was time to get out of the bed and try to do life again.  Brad reached down and with confidence and strength he lifted her up and into his arms she went.  That was the moment I knew we were going to be okay.  That was the moment I knew the Lord joined our union 10 plus years ago for this.  I see why marriage is important.  I see why we have certain strengths and weaknesses.  I see every trait the Lord knit into our being and why.  Lily saw it too.  She knew then she would be okay and she would be able to get through this.  She took a turn that day.  Her personality that she had buried began to surface once again.  Her spunk came back.  Her will, her determination, it was all flooding back to us.  I was hopeful!    

         
       The first week she didn’t even want to look at her leg, nor did she want anyone else looking at it either.  She wanted it covered up.  She wanted it hidden.  She didn’t want to see the ugly, the scars.  However, over the last three weeks she has become proud.  She has seen the transformation her legs have taken.  She sat on the toilet for the first time with both of her legs in front of her, not one behind her and hanging in the potty as she goes.  She was so proud she called everyone in to see.  That was the first smile I saw over the situation her legs were in.  Now, she proudly shows her new hardware.  Over the last three weeks I have watched her get stronger.  With each crank we have to turn to straighten her legs, comes pain.  But with that pain, I have seen beauty.  I have seen her fight.  And I have seen her have true joy when I haven’t.

        Throughout this I have learned so much from my kids.  My nine year old has stepped up in ways I never knew she had in her.  She has done things she shouldn’t have to without complaining.  She has embraced it all with joy as well.  She has prayed for her sister deeply.  She has cried and rejoiced with her.  She has carried her and nurtured her.  She has fought with her and kept it normal.  She has taught me to continue to do life and do it normal.

        I have learned throughout this, that pain gives way to beauty.  You see I haven’t handled this transition so well.  I am trying…but I underestimated how hard this would be.  I underestimated what I would have to give up.  I underestimated how selfish I really was.  I underestimated how selfless you really had to be to care for someone else daily, sometimes minute by minute.  I have felt each kid is only getting 50% of me and as someone who strives for some sort of perfection that doesn’t sit too well.  The Lord has really taught me that pain brings transformation, transformation brings beauty, and beauty gives way to life in Him.  Lily has scares on her body that represent a painful time in her life.  But those scares healed and they are a testament to the transformation the Lord is doing not only on her outward broken body, but inwardly in her heart, and soul as well.  She knows even at this early age where her help comes from, because she prays often.  She calls to Him often.  Even at an early age she knows there is a greater power. 

       
       She has plans.  She has plans to ride a horse.  Especially after her Paw Paw promised he would buy her one when she was in so much pain.  She has plans to ride a bike.  She has plans to dance with Mickey Mouse, especially after her daddy promised to take her to Disney World when she was in so much pain.  The other day I was in the kitchen doing laundry.  The kids were in the school room finishing up school.  I look over and I was no longer in the kitchen alone.  Lily was there beside me.  She was in a bean bag chair.  Apparently that wasn’t where she thought she should be.  So she got herself down, figured out a way to drag herself into the kitchen with me and then flashed the biggest smile across her face to save herself from the trouble she was about to be in.  I realized at that moment she is going to do great things.  The lord has plans for her brokenness.  She is fearfully and wonderfully made.  She is strong and determined and one day she will do great things for His kingdom, because He has done great things for her.

        In two days we celebrate the day my Savior hung on a cross and took the ugly dirty sin upon Him.  He conquered the broken mess we are that day.  And three days later He rose to give us life and give it abundantly.  I have this life because of His sacrifice so many years ago.  I have beauty from brokenness because He paved the way.  He came, He died, and He rose for me, for us, for a broken world that needs Him. 

For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.  John 3:16-17

For this life I am thankful.  For His sacrifice I am thankful.  Our brokeness is made whole and beautiful.  Praise God My Savior Lives!