Whom shall I fear?

    The Lord is my light and my salvation-Whom shall I fear?  Psalm 27:1


       I typically write about Lily, because so much of this journey belongs to her,  but this post belongs to Anna Lee.  I have watched her work through some pretty powerful emotions the last few days from excitement to fear, from worry to concern, then back to excitement and trust.  I have often wondered what this jourmey has meant to her and how the Lord will use all this in her little life. Sometimes I get a glimpse and sometimes she says and does some pretty powerful things.  Somethings she shows how much grace and mercy she has learned and she shows me how compassion has become a part of who she is. But I often worry that the choices Brad and I make have an adverse affect on her. I've learned every choice we make has a lasting impression on her. The good and the bad. I feel like we get it wrong more times than we get it right. I had a friend tell me we do a good job of looking like we have it together. Let me assure you...we don't. We're a mess but we love and we seek Him and we have learned to extend more grace than any of us deserve. It's in those moments of our weakness where I see Anna Lee's growth in Him. It's where I see the student become our teacher and it's those moments that make me want to be the best me I can be for her, for Lily and for Brad.
    She was scared to come on this trip.  She panicked at the most crucial moment...the night before. This is trip # 4 for her so it should have come a little easier you would have thought. But she's 10, she's a child and she has real fears. She poured those out, we listened, we consulted and ultimately we allowed her to make the choice to go or stay.  She had two exit lanes before we left.  Each time one presented itself I could see the battle going on inside her and with each option for her to exit this trip I prayed.  I prayed for her to have peace in her decision and confidence in the choice she made.  We talked a lot about unconditional love and that regardless of her choice our unconditional love remained.  Scripture was shared, prayers were exchanged and as the last exit place drove off she looked at me with a shy smile and said, "I'm okay."  If you know anything about Anna Lee you know she does what she wants when she wants, and ask for forgiveness instead of permission.  She beats to her own drum, has her own opinion and doesn't mind sharing it with little or no filter.  She has her own ideas and determination and usually carves out her own path to them.  She gets most of that from her father!  So for once she had to seek out a decision based on something deeper than what she wanted...safety and security.
    She recently sat through some intense preaching and worship through a conference she attended over the weekend.  The preacher was preaching out of Acts 26-28 and shared the story of Paul's shipwreck on the island of Malta.  My little redhead took in every word he said.  Much conversation took place after that sermon.  On the way to the Atlanta airport before the last place she could exit this trip I see her digging through her Bible.  She then asked what chapter of Acts she could find that story again.  She re-read, she took it in and then somewhere between chapter 26 and chapter 28 she made her decision.  You see sometimes God takes us to places we don't want to go.  Some times he takes us to Malta to teach us something we couldn't learn staying in one place.
    I've been in that place myself for the better part of a year.  I've been to those places in my marriage, I've been to those places as a mother and as a friend.  I've been places that aren't fun or comfortable but God had to take me there to allow me to see some things and to grow.  If I am honest I have felt for sometime this trip is about the kids we brought here.  About their growth in Him.  About their ability to see suffering and beauty all in one place and to see God makes everything different and beautiful in it's time.  I feel like the Lord is opening them up to His character and that they are learning who they are in Him through experiences that aren't comfortable and force us to trust.  I didn't share any of this with Anna Lee because I wanted her to choose for herself.  I wanted her to be the one to make the decision because when she looks back she will see this was a growth moment between her and the Lord.  And she did.  She's learning how to trust Him when it doesn't make sense, or how to keep walking when fear grasp you.  She is learning how to pray through and to know fear only dies in the presence of prayer.  She's learning to have her own relationship with her Father and not the one her momma has.  I can only point her in the direction but she has to learn for herself.  She was scared but she walked through the fear to a Father who's plans are far better than our own for her.  And she's teaching me to do the same.  I often live a life of fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of being hurt, fear of not being enough, fear of letting down those I love most, fear of death and I could go on and on and on.  But today, in my little girl I saw courage break through the fear.  I saw Joshua 1:9 alive in her life.  I saw her working through inner struggles, and I saw her Faith take over and her faith be put into action.  I can not wait to see how God is going to continue to move and work in her life as long as she allows him to.  I see humility growing and it replacing her will and her way. I see a daughter of the King taking her place at 10.
     Friend, you don't have to cross an ocean to work through fear and step out in faith.  You can just cross your living room.  Is your marriage struggling and does it need you to live bodily and pray boldly?   Do your kids need to see you loving your spouse as Jesus loves you, unconditional and poured on with grace.  Do your kids need your prayer life to step up to cover them with all the challenges they face today.  Does that hurting friend need a friend to rise up and help them fight a battle they can't do alone.  I'm learning change happens through  relationships.  Relationships that matter.  What relationship in your life needs the power of Jesus.  What relationship in your life needs healing.  Let it start by building your family to be strong in Him. We don't have to go across the world to show the love of Jesus.  It starts in our homes.  It starts with our marriages, then it filters to our children then outward from there.  This is something the Lord has really been hammering me with lately is it starts in my home.  MY HOME.  I had a friend recently tell me we do a great job of looking like we have it together.  And for the better part of social media we do look like that.  But let me tell you, there are times we are A MESS.  Ask my kids, they will tell you.  We are a family with baggage and backgrounds full of mess.  And we added a fourth to our mess that was a mess!  So, while we look like we have it together we don't!  But Jesus can still use your mess.  We also learned this weekend your greatest weakness can become your greatest weapon, and your greatest weakness can be HIS biggest strength.  Jesus can use your mess and make it beautiful.  Take back what satan has stolen friend.  This week he took my daughter's joy and excitement and threatened it with fear.  But I know a Savior that trumps all that!  She got on that plane, and as she exited the Haiti Airport she looked up and said, "Mom, I'm glad I came!"
   

New Mercies Every Morning

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  Lamentations 3:22-23

        That is my favorite promise from the Lord.  It’s the one I need most, His grace and mercy that comes new each day. 

        Lily has been home now for 667 days.  Sometimes it still seems so surreal.  We were apart for 1,159 days.  Those days were long, stretched out and felt as if a part of our family was missing for each photo, vacation, holiday, milestone, etc… There are some mornings I walk into her room to get her up, and I remember what it felt like to walk into that empty room waiting for her.  It was some very lonely years waiting.  If I had only known to rest a little more in the waiting…     

        She turns 5 today.  The second birthday spent with us, and the first official birthday as a Dobson!  I am finding I like the second milestones, the second holidays better.  As a new mom you always look forward to the first birthday, the first thanksgiving, the first Christmas, their first Easter, and that first mother’s day.  Not gonna lie…all those first with Lily were tough.  Don’t get me wrong, we rejoiced, we were joyful she was home, but some of those “first” were tough, even painful for all involved!  I have a picture of my first mother’s day with her home.  Lily’s favorite Sunday school teacher did a wonderful craft for us moms and they snapped a picture of us together as we entered Sunday school.  Little did they know neither of us wanted a picture with the other that Happy Mother’s Day morning.  Bonding issues had taken its toll.  Control issues had taken its toll.  The pain of all she was going through physically, medically and emotionally had taken its toll, on her and me.  I keep that picture over my sink as a reminder of where we have been, where we want to go and what kind of mother she needs me to be.  To say the last 968 days have been wonderful, joyful and pleasant would be a lie.  There have been wonderful, joyful and pleasant moments, days and weeks, but there has also been anger, disappointment, and pain.  But through it all the Lord has never left our side.  And each morning His mercies were new, are new and will continue to be new.  For those of you that know Lily, you know she is fierce, bold, determined and full of life!  But she has also experienced pain, physically and emotionally.  She lost everything she knew to be comforting, even if it wasn’t good and ideal.  She lost control of her world, the only world she knew and was placed into a world of strangers, who didn’t even look and talk like her.  She had rules and a new way of life and even if that new way of life was better some days it just wasn’t for her.  However, with each new day comes growth, grace and mercy.

        For 667 days she has leveled everything I knew about parenting, love, grace, mercy, forgiveness and peace.  She has broken down every barrier I had ever put up and challenged me in ways I never thought could happen.  With each 2^nd holiday we feel more like family.  We know each other.  We’ve been through life together.  We know what the other wants and needs.  With each surgery I see our bond deepening and her dependence on us growing.  This last surgery showed me just how far she had come.  As we talked the night before about what to expect we talked about pain, about how the hurting brings healing and joy.  And as she held me tight she said, “Momma, all this makes me want to cry.”  And as I looked at her I said, “Me too baby, me too.”  If she only knew how many tears I’ve cried for her, tears of pain and joy.  The next day she woke up with a smile on her face and said, “Let’s go to the hospital, I’m ready!”  And she was.  Her big, brave self underwent her sixth surgery like a champ. 

          For roughly the last 4oo some odd days she has had some sort of contraption on her legs.  I’ve watched her legs slowly be unfolded from the mangled, tangled way they were to beautiful straight legs she is so proud of.  This process didn’t come without pain though.  Much like her physical pain, this whole journey hasn’t come without pain.  She has endured much more than we will ever know, but one thing she has taught me is to have joy among the pain.  Sometimes you just have to force joy to deal with pain, and that’s a choice.  This kid of mine forces me to be better, for her.  She challenges me for the better.  She expects me to love deeper, because that’s what makes her better. 

        It’s hard for me to put into words with this kid means to me.  I have two remarkable daughters, one from my womb and one given to me by another. They are so different yet so much alike.  They will change this world, they have already changed mine.  I don’t have this whole parenting thing down by any means, but Lily has taught me I’m teachable, and the Lord is teaching me what she needs and how to parent that.  She is healing in more ways than one.  I’m celebrating this birthday with her differently this year, because this year we are in a different season of life!  She is my daughter and she has been from the day the Lord told me she was mine…go fight for her. 

        When I reminded her it was getting close to her birthday a couple of weeks ago she looked puzzled.  Then she asked, “I get another birthday, again?”  Yes, baby you do.  You get many many more!  We get to do life together now, birthdays, holidays, surgeries, no more doing life alone.  You are now a part of a family.  A family that loves you, that will fight for you and with you.  A family that will go the distance with you, and regardless of circumstance will seek out joy and live it with you!  Lily Belle you have changed my life, in all the ways I needed.  You broke me to the core.  You were everything we never knew we wanted or needed and have come to be the very thing that glued our family together.  You my dear will conquer because the Lord has His hand on you.  Verse 26 of Lamentations chapter 3 is what I’m now praying for you…It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.  I can’t wait for the day you realize all the Lord has done for you, and the day you accept Him as your Lord and Savior.  Until then we wait…but this time we are together! 

Happy 5^th birthday little one, you are a whole hand now, and still full of dynamite!