Ask and it will be given to you...

Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.  Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!  So in EVERYTHING, do to others what you would have them do to you, for these sums up the law and the Prophets.  Matthew 7:7-12

        It’s been a while since I sat down to write…what that really means is it took God a lot longer this time to get a hold of me.  The common theme of this journey for us and me is Change.  Just when I think there is nothing else I can change or get rid of, or I think, Lord, how much more do you have to teach me? He peels back more layers and low and behold there is something else He wants pruned from my life.  This time it seemed like a never ending battle between me and Him, the Lord that is.  A battle between my stubbornness to hold on to what I thought and what I needed, and His gentle nudging for me to let go, and let Him completely take control.  I pray each day…Lord take control of my life, Lord lead me in the direction You want, Lord point me down the narrow road…and so on.  And what I really mean is, Lord take control of my life, but control it the way I want You to, and Lead me in the direction you want, but Lord don’t make it too hard, and Lord point me down the narrow road, but make it wide enough that I don’t have to sacrifice too much.  Make this relationship fun and easy.  Make it exciting and new.  Make it ever changing, Make it everything I want it to be.  Well, it is fun, exciting, new each day, ever changing, but one thing it is not is easy…and when I find it easy I find myself not where God wants me.  Nothing about Christianity should be easy.  Nothing about the cost of being a disciple should be easy.  Most often than not, the paths the Lord has for us to walk are not easy.  I am learning to rejoice in the hard things, because that is exactly where the Lord wants me to be…completely dependent on Him. 

        When we first started this process “officially” back in September I remember sitting in one of our first home-study meetings and our social worker rattling off a list of what we were willing to accept in a child and what we were not willing to accept.  It almost felt wrong answering some of those questions, and passing on others.  To be completely honest and transparent, I had the mindset that if we were going to take in an orphan, it’s okay that I have some say in who that child is, or what is wrong with her or what we are willing to handle or capable of handling.  As Brad and I sat next to one another on that couch and answered those questions about our future child, I imagine my Heavenly Father sitting on His throne looking down on us and shaking His head thinking, “O my child, just wait, just wait to see who I have picked for you.  Just wait to see who I know your family needs.  Just wait and see the child I have set aside just for you.” You see, there is this child that has come across our path, whom we have been praying for since November.  She is everything I answered No to in that first meeting.  She is everything I thought I couldn’t mother.  She is everything we thought as a family we couldn’t handle.  But as I am slowing and stubbornly learning, my thoughts, our thoughts, our feelings don’t really matter if the Lord isn’t controlling them.  It’s my Father’s thoughts that matter.  It’s the one sitting on the throne shaking His head at me…it’s His feelings that matter.  You see He already holds our future in His hands.  When I was being formed in my mother’s womb, I was being knitted and wired for His purpose.  I was being wired for just a time as this.  When Brad was being formed in his mother’s womb, he was being formed for such a time as this.  When Anna Lee was being knit together in my womb she was being formed for just a time as this…so much more about her makes sense to me now might I add.  When this new little girl was being formed in her mother’s womb in the country of Haiti, she was being formed for such a time as this, to enter into our family, to change our world, to show the Love of a Heavenly Father that transcends color, that transcends physical limitations, that transcends everything that makes sense to us.  She points us right back to the throne where there is a Heavenly Father that knows what we need more than what we think we need.  You see I have been seeking the Lord, I have been asking the Lord, I have been knocking on the door, begging the Lord to show me His way in this process, show me the child He had picked for us.  Show me the path you want us to walk.  He did multiple times, but I was too stubborn, too scared and too self-absorbed to really grasp hold of His plan, His will.  I was too busy making excuses, of why I couldn’t, instead of why I could. It isn’t going to be through our strength that we walk this path called adoption anyways…it is only in HIS.  Hopefully we can share more details very soon…keep us in your prayers.